How do I teach my little one not to be so hard on herself?

[La Condessa]

I started pre-K with my oldest last week, with my plan being to incorporate games and coloring and songs and things that my second daughter can join in with, too, and just generally let her play along side as we school. She found that plan totally unacceptable, and insists on participating in every single thing we do.

 

She is so little, not yet 2.5, but she gets so upset with herself when she can't do absolutely everything that her 4 year old sister can do. The worst is with reading. Every day she picks up those BOB Books and tries and tries to blend those words, getting more and more upset with herself, and if I tell her a word she cries because she wants to do it all by herself. It's not perfectionism exactly--she doesn't have the need for all lines to be straight, blankets flat, coloring inside the lines, and every answer perfect like her sister. But the idea that she can't grasp this like the big sister she idolizes is driving her nuts.

 

And as I was contemplating how I should help her with this, I came to the conclusion that I have no idea how to help her be okay with not understanding, because I have the same problem. If I encounter a new skill or concept that I am struggling with, I will worry it over and over and beat myself up over it until I finally master it.

 

How do I help my daughter to let things go and just go easier on herself when need be, when I don't know how myself?

[songsparrow]

I don't know that I can offer any helpful advice, but I can offer :grouphug: .

 

My younger daughter, who is 3 years younger than her older sister, was the same way. She was determined that she could do whatever her sister could do. I had to photocopy my older daughter's kindergarten and first grade homework, so my younger daughter could do it too. I didn't pay too much attention to it, and just let her do whatever she was able to do, and the thing was . . . she succeeded! She was doing things like cutting neatly with scissors when she was 3, asking her K teacher for addition and subtraction worksheets like her sister was doing in 2nd grade, walking around with chapter books that I thought she was just pretending to read until I discovered she was actually reading them.

 

So, I guess I would just acknowledge that she's trying to learn something that's hard, and compliment her on working hard at it.

[bakpak]

Good luck! My heart goes out to you and your little one. Sounds like she's super motivated, so your job is to help bridge that gap :)

 

I would make her own shelf with slightly easier things and be very clear with her. She can probably understand a lot more than you give her credit for, so explain things to her like you would to your older child. 'I'm so glad you want to read like your big sister. Let's get out some magnet letters (or whatever) and work on sounding out words. Practicing with these will help you learn to read books!' So help her prep for the words in a specific book. Find some cute CVC games she can do (matching objects with words, CVC puzzle cards, rhyming words).

 

My daughter was sounding out her first words around 27 months. Can your daughter read some, or is she just pretending? It sounded like she's actually reading. My DD's reading didn't really rocket off though until about a year later, but she could sound out just about any phonetic individual word and its been a slow progression. So during that phase, I just worked on teaching her phonic concepts when I could, and I still do infrequently/haphazardly (I look in OPGTR for ideas), and letting her read as much as she was interested.

 

Maybe she's just frustrated with you helping her, cause she's in such an independent phase? If she isn't asking you for help with a specific word, then let her work through it (perseverance is what you WANT her to develop!!). Or again, just ask her what she wants...she'll probably tell you :) 'I'd like to help you sound out the words, so let me know when you want me to help. Otherwise, I will wait for you to try first, because I know you like being independent'. I recall my daughter getting frustrated with me jumping in too early and 'helping'. It's good to remember that adult speed does not equal child speed...I'm realizing adults are generally VERY impatient, or maybe it's just me!! Remember, the goal is NOT to get through the whole book, it's to help your daughter learn to read in a fun, relaxed way. If that means only getting through 5 words in 10 min, that's just fine! She'll be so proud of herself...

 

And I know your post wasn't just about reading. Mostly I'd say have those conversations with your youngest daughter. Reaffirm that you know it's hard when she can't do everything as well as her big sister can, and that must be frustrating. It frustrates you when you don't do something as well as you hoped. To get better takes lots of practice. For example, I've had to practice making (pick something ) many, many times and it still doesn't always come out the way I like. Also remind her that her older sister couldn't do those things well when she was just 2.5 either, but she's gotten better with LOTS of practice. And then I'd be silly and tell her she's only allowed to scribble when she colors and make messes, and never ever sound out words...she's not old enough yet! :) Maybe you could all take turns talking about what types of things frustrate you (including your oldest). I think it's a good life lesson in general.

 

Hope my advice wasn't too obnoxious...I was just thinking out loud, and I should really be asleep!

 

And I agree with the PP....remember to compliment the hard word, not the product. And it's okay that she's frustrated that it wasn't like she imagined it - her feelings about that should be validated too. Maybe she could look at some things your oldest made when she was 2.5?

 

By the way, my friend's youngest daughter is EXACTLY the same way as your daughter, and it's a bit exhausting for my friend. It will hopefully ease up as your DD's skills catch up with her maturity. Good luck in the meantime!!

[La Condessa]

Thank you both very much. Yes, songsparrow, that sounds exactly like my little one.

I would make her own shelf with slightly easier things and be very clear with her. She can probably understand a lot more than you give her credit for, so explain things to her like you would to your older child. . .

my daughter was sounding out her first words around 27 months. Can your daughter read some, or is she just pretending? It sounded like she's actually reading. . .

 

I might be able to get her doing these things as well as the lessons from OPG and BOB Books that her sister is doing, but not instead. She is adamant about that, though she's okay with repeating the same pages over again (but not from the letter sounds part, it has to be words). So we've been doing at, ad, am, & an since we started last week, and she's getting those, but I think maybe it's memorization, not reading. When she tries to read the bob books she sits pointing at the different letters in the words while making their individual sounds, then starts to get more and more frustrated because she can't blend them into words. Then she starts to guess words that have some of the same sounds, but gets more and more frantic because she knows she's guessing and wants to be really reading. It usually ends in tears.

 

Maybe you're right; I should probably try to let her know that I'm there to help if she wants and then stay out of it unless she asks. If it's likely going to end in tears either way, my interference isn't helping anyhow. I should also adapt the phonics games I have for her sister to her level. I didn't want to be teaching her at this age, but maybe it would be more helpful for coping with her frustration to do more to give her the tools to learn what she wants, in addition to my reassurances.

 

Thank you!

[boscopup]

My youngest tries to keep up with his big brothers, and he's actually doing pretty well at it. He has done a lot of physical things much earlier than his brothers did, because he's trying to be big himself. He's reading because he wanted to be like big brothers. He's writing because he wanted to be like big brothers.

 

I do NOT combine my kids for school at this stage. I teach them separately at their own level. I start with the youngest and work my way up. While one child is doing school with me, the other children must leave us alone and not interrupt. So my youngest will get a Phonics Pathways lesson (love that for young kids - the words are actually BIG enough! Plus it teaches blending very well), and we might read a book together or something, then he's done and can go work on workbooks independently while I do Phonics Pathways, Singapore, and Pentime with my K'er. Then he's done, and I go do my 3rd grader's lessons.

 

Next year, I'm going to attempt combining in history sort of (oldest doing Sonlight Core E, and middle getting books from the library that coincide but are more at his level). We'll see how that goes. But skill subjects, I work with each child one at a time. Trying to do math with all 3 at one time just.did.not.work.

[La Condessa]

I teach them separately at their own level. I start with the youngest and work my way up. While one child is doing school with me, the other children must leave us alone and not interrupt. So my youngest will get a Phonics Pathways lesson . . . and we might read a book together or something, then he's done and can go work on workbooks independently while I do Phonics Pathways, Singapore, and Pentime with my K'er. Then he's done, and I go do my 3rd grader's lessons.

 

Was it hard to teach your kids to not bother you during a brother's turn? I would love advice on that; this is a major difficulty for me. Even though I make the girls take turns (not doing all of school with one, then all with the other, but doing the complete math or phonics lesson with one then the other), I am constantly dealing with "My turn! My turn! You've had enough time!" and the one trying to crawl into my lap while I'm trying to teach the other. And often, the baby is crawling over, trying to grab and eat the book or yank my shirt down to start nursing at the same time.

[boscopup]

Was it hard to teach your kids to not bother you during a brother's turn? I would love advice on that; this is a major difficulty for me. Even though I make the girls take turns (not doing all of school with one, then all with the other, but doing the complete math or phonics lesson with one then the other), I am constantly dealing with "My turn! My turn! You've had enough time!" and the one trying to crawl into my lap while I'm trying to teach the other. And often, the baby is crawling over, trying to grab and eat the book or yank my shirt down to start nursing at the same time.

 

 

It was just like any other training... Takes some consistency and work on my part, but the rewards are worth it. ;) I trained them at the beginning of the school year, and it helped a lot.

 

Now a baby, that's a different matter. Doing school with a kid under 3 is just plain more difficult. :tongue_smilie:

 

As I said though, start with the youngest and work your way up. Tell them matter of factly that they are not to interrupt someone else's time with mama, and make sure you enforce the rule - every.single.time. It took a few weeks here, but then everyone got the picture. I only had one that young though, and I don't require school of him. So if he wants to do school (he usually does), he gets 5-10 minutes. Then, I move on to my K'er, then finally my 3rd grader. I do do all of their schooling at one time, just because it's easier for us than transitioning back and forth and back and forth. I think it actually helps them not get into the "my turn" thing, because they know that once I've worked with them, that's it - they're done for the day.

 

I would definitely focus on this and put it well ahead of academics. Your kids aren't even school age yet, so take this time to work on obedience. It will pay off later when your kids are school age. :)

[mom2bee]

I only have a little experience with this type of thing and a few ideas.

 

I would make "Doing My Best Without Tears" and "Character" a part of school, as in, make a calendar and mark off the days that have great effort and minimal tears as a good thing. I recommend doing a little work with the Lil-Gal on her own each day also, she may surprise you. Screaming "My Turn, My Turn" is not showing courtesy to your sister and being discourteous is not the best character.

 

I recommend starting with the younger DD, if you don't already and doing phonics with her, and then having her do something like watch LeapFrog (or possibly, even better is a ReadingBear presentation) while you do phonics with her older sister.

 

I recommend getting the sample of the Reading Lesson off line, those first 2 or 3 chapters that you can download could last you a while depending on how ready your little is for blending and reading. I would focus on doing as much as 1 page a day, by modeling each line for her, by the time you reach the end of lesson 3, she will probably be blending if she is ready for it.

[SKL]

Just a thought - could you get hold of some easy-read books that come with a CD that reads it verbatim to the child? (What are those called nowadays? Used to be book-and-tapes the last time I bought one, LOL.) You could probably borrow some from the library. Then your dd could go over it as many times as she likes, with and without the CD, and the frustration level might be reduced. It would not be the same as Mom "doing it for her." ... Can you put her in a "class" such as "Pre-K2" which has its own age-appropriate "work"? You could tell her that since she is 2 she is in "Pre-K2" and kids in Pre-K2 do xyz while kids in pre-K4 do abc. She can play with abc after she finishes xyz but her "work" is xyz. Help her to feel that her "work" is as important as her sister's. Would that appease her?

[La Condessa]

Thank you all. I think I will add a 'character' box to the school chart and focus on courtesy in this, as you suggest. There's no way I could get any attention out of either girl while the other was watching a movie, but that Reading Bears site might be really useful. I've never seen it before--my girls love Starfall, but the little one can't work the mouse well enough on her own.

 

I don't know if I could convince her to do something different for her 'school', since I think her desire for school work stems from her idolization of her sister, but I'll test that out.

[Tanikit]

We have a similar problem with my DDs (2 and 5 yrs old) I try to let my little one do things in a similar, but slightly scaled down way - so she has her own exercise books that she can scribble in, gets paper to draw on when the oldest is doing a worksheet and she has produced quite good drawing scribbles doing so (they are an attempt at drawing people with heads and bodies) She cannot cut, but I still let her try and help her. I taught my DD the words for a sight word reader that is very simple so that she can now read a proper book at bed time just like her sister does (even though she is not yet speaking clearly) and blending I do with her too - she knows her letters and I just blend them for her at a pace fast enough that she can say the word back to me (Reading Bear is good for this though I have not had to use it - even when speaking to my younger child I will sometimes just blend the words I am saying to her - they do not need to see the letters to learn blending - the skills are different and blending can be taught by just talking and later with the written word. My youngest learnt blending a LOT faster than my elder one did possibly because I knew she just needed to hear blending done for her.

 

As for the time issue - my children have both had to learn that they cannot interrupt each other when doing school. They both do interrupt each other still, but I switch back and forth between them all morning in very short shifts and that seems to help. Mostly I do one thing with my eldest and then either read a book to the younger or swing her on the swings or whatever she wants for her turn and then back to the next thing with my elder and so on. Since the elder gets a pile of things she must do that day that she can pick from, I also give the younger a pile of books/paper/word cards etc that she can choose from too but of course she is 2 - she doesn't have to do anything, she just always chooses to, probably because that is how things are done here in her mind and she likes being like her sister.

[El...]

_{(Disclaimer: My kid is not super gifted but is bright... I just saw this and thought of her, too. For whatever this comment is worth....) I'm finding that praising my daughter for hard work is FAR more motivational to her than acknowledging her achievements. I read a book called Mindset by Carol Dweck which was recommended on the boards here and it changed my approach significantly. She loves to hear "Wow, that was hard, huh? You kept trying! Good for you. You are learning."}