Little sisters

[Snow]

DS is 6.5 and plays with the neighbor girl who is almost 10. They've been friends for 2 years, about as long as dd is alive. Dd is about 2.3 and loves neighbor girl. In the past all three of them played together and neighbor girl loved dd. Lately neighbor girl has been trying to get rid of dd when they play. She'll take DS to his room and if dd follows she'll say, dd, "lets go find the dog," lead her out of the room and then run back when dd isn't looking. As a little sister myself, this infuriates me. As such, I have always said, DS if you don't want dd to play with you guys, you need to go to neighbor girl's house; Dd lives here and I'm not going to make her stay away from you while you're playing.

 

Lately, though I'm second guessing; DS has been getting annoyed with dd more often, but only when it's just the two of them. When it's all three, he's happy having her there.

 

How would you handle it? Give DS some big kid time without dd and maybe that will give him a nice break? Or ignore neighbor girl and make them include dd?

 

Btw, neighbor girl is very controlling and that's probably why she's likes DS (he doesn't mind following). However, Dd doesn't like being told what to do, so she often foils neighbor girls plans on how to play. :-)

[Catwoman]

If I was the neighbor girl, I'd get sick of playing with a 2 year-old, too.

 

I also don't think it's fair that a 6yo boy should have to include his toddler sister in his playdates. I think you need to occupy your little one while your ds is playing with his friend.

 

OTOH, I think a 10yo girl is way too old to be close friends with your 6yo ds. It would be different if they were playing as part of a group of kids from the neighborhood, but just the two of them, alone in your ds's room? (I'm not suggesting that there's anything untoward going on in there -- I just mean I don't know what a 10yo girl and a 6yo boy would have in common, that would make them want to be regular playmates.)

[Snow]

I agree, but I don't really care what neighbor girl thinks. Just what's best for my kids. Btw, when DS plays with his own boy friends, I don't expect him to include dd. those are HIS friends. It's just that for awhile, neighbor girl wanted to play with her. In fact, when she was 1 neighbor girl sometimes wanted to play just with dd. I think dd feels like neighbor is her friend too. So keeping her away is hard :-(

 

Thanks for your advice.

[Catwoman]

I agree, but I don't really care what neighbor girl thinks. Just what's best for my kids. Btw, when DS plays with his own boy friends, I don't expect him to include dd. those are HIS friends. It's just that for awhile, neighbor girl wanted to play with her. In fact, when she was 1 neighbor girl sometimes wanted to play just with dd. I think dd feels like neighbor is her friend too. So keeping her away is hard :-(

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

If that's the case, perhaps you should limit neighbor girl's visits to your house.

[Flowing Brook]

Growing up my parents would not let me be part of something unless my sister's were able to go as well. I got to the point where I resented my sisters. I liked hanging out and playing with my sister. I just wanted some time to have friends that were just mine. I felt like less of an individual.

That said I do have to wonder what a 10 yo girl has in common with a 6.5 yo boy.

[GinaPagnato]

If I was the neighbor girl, I'd get sick of playing with a 2 year-old, too.

 

I also don't think it's fair that a 6yo boy should have to include his toddler sister in his playdates. I think you need to occupy your little one while your ds is playing with his friend.

 

OTOH, I think a 10yo girl is way too old to be close friends with your 6yo ds. It would be different if they were playing as part of a group of kids from the neighborhood, but just the two of them, alone in your ds's room? (I'm not suggesting that there's anything untoward going on in there -- I just mean I don't know what a 10yo girl and a 6yo boy would have in common, that would make them want to be regular playmates.)

 

 

:iagree:

 

I make it a point to let my older dc have time one-on-one with friends who are around their ages, without younger sibs in the picture. Sometimes kids need that. I am a little :confused1: about the 10 yo girl wanting to control your ds and being in his room with the door closed. I just don't go for that sort of thing.

[caroljenn]

If I was the neighbor girl, I'd get sick of playing with a 2 year-old, too.

 

I also don't think it's fair that a 6yo boy should have to include his toddler sister in his playdates. I think you need to occupy your little one while your ds is playing with his friend.

 

OTOH, I think a 10yo girl is way too old to be close friends with your 6yo ds. It would be different if they were playing as part of a group of kids from the neighborhood, but just the two of them, alone in your ds's room? (I'm not suggesting that there's anything untoward going on in there -- I just mean I don't know what a 10yo girl and a 6yo boy would have in common, that would make them want to be regular playmates.)

 

This is what I thought of right away too. It's kind of weird. Hmmm.

[Catwoman]

I am a little :confused1: about the 10 yo girl wanting to control your ds and being in his room with the door closed. I just don't go for that sort of thing.

 

This is what I thought of right away too. It's kind of weird. Hmmm.

 

That said I do have to wonder what a 10 yo girl has in common with a 6.5 yo boy.

 

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought it was a little odd. I didn't want to suggest that anything weird is going on, but I will admit that it crossed my mind, particularly because neighbor girl is suddenly always trying to get rid of the toddler when she's with NaturalKate's ds, and also because she is controlling and he lets her tell him what to do. It's probably nothing, but I would want the kids in my line of sight when they were playing, mainly because the girl is so much older.

[Snow]

Thanks for your suggestions and concern.

 

Just to clarify some of your questions about her motives, there are almost no other kids in our neighborhood and neighbor girl is a social butterfly. Also, her home life isn't very happy. Last year she was at our house constantly. There's a huge contrast in our houses. At her house, she watches tv or fights with her brother. Period. At our house, they do crafts, people are always around. She talks to me a lot (this is big i think). Honestly, I think it's not that DS is her BFF at all, but she gets a lot of good stuff just out of being here. There are times where, if they are playing together on a Saturday, she's just doing something at our table while DS is bouncing a ball around (after playing together for 5 hours). So what she gets out of it, isn't necessarily DS specifically, but the whole package. That's also why dd probably feels attached to her...she used to spend a lot of time here. Her parents would joke about us adopting her. However, it's definitely been less as this school year.

 

Also, I don't allow them to be behind closed doors. If ever it closes I'm right there opening it. And 75% of the time they are in the common areas doing crafts, playing a game or playing on the swing set. What do they have in common? When they arent doing the former, they take turns...she'll play a round of sports for ds, so he will play along with her wanting to play store or tea party for awhile. Also, she is still technically 9 (for two more months).

 

Anyway, yeah, I can see your point on questioning it and I guess I'm going to have to rethink things. I was just reading siblings without rivalry and it talks about the bias we have toward children of our same birth order ... clearly I'm guilty as charged here. I think it's just this situation though, for all of DS' other friends, I wouldn't even think twice about including dd. Oy.

[duckens]

NaturalKate, I like your policy of, "if you don't want dd to play with you guys, you need to go to neighbor girl's house; Dd lives here and I'm not going to make her stay away from you while you're playing." I'm going to use that!

 

I have kids of the same age: 6&2. And I am also a little sister. I remember my older sister and yes, a MUTUAL friend (in my grade, but a year older age-wise) shunning me in my own home and kicking me out of the room I shared with older sister.

 

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Things I have done when dd6 wants to play exclusively with a friend:

 

1) Plan playdates for when dd2 is taking her nap for a part of the time. Or I invite dd2 to help me do cooking, wash dishes, or we do special crafts for a 2yo. The other part of the time, they must play with dd2.

 

2) Insist that older sister is at least polite. You may not want to play with her, but you DO need to be polite and kind about it. How would you feel if no one wanted to play with you? How would you feel if you were the only one not included? Just because dd2 cannot verbalize does not mean that she doesn't feel your rejections. We try to be kind to one another in our house.

 

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Since the neighbor girl is getting a package deal (crafts, games, sports, admiring fans) out of visiting your home, could you lay down some rules for her? Especially since this is less of a scheduled play date, and more of a "neighbor kids wanders over to play often."

 

For example, if I had a child over for a couple of hours, they would be a guest, and certain behavior would be tolerated because they are a guest, and they are only visiting for a couple of hours.

 

If someone is in my house every day, there are certain behaviors that I would put an end to sooner than later. I wouldn't say she is a "member of the family," but if she is there often enough to feel confident to dictate play (Let's go in your room now; let's go find the dog; let's go do a craft), then she is no longer a guest. And you would never let your son treat his sister this way. Why would you let his pseudo-sister treat the 2yo this way?

 

This is also teaching your son that this is acceptable behavior towards a 2yo. If 2yo is wrecking their game or craft project, I could understand. If she is just following them, I don't tolerate the rejecting behavior.