Expecting Excellence

[kwg]

I am wondering if anyone else has a child like this and how you helped him/her to ease up a little.

 

Ds is 10. When he is working with another child, in his martial arts class- or anything really- he expects the other child to get it perfectly. He is a perfectionist with himself as well. Some of these children are in their first or second class or 5 years old! Other parents have noticed. We have talked to him.

 

Last night the sensei talked to him so that may have helped but I was wondering if there was anything else I should/could do? He can be very sensitive also and worries/beats himself up about doing things "wrong". I think he is trying to help...but it is definitely not helpful, more like nit-picking and he becomes frustrated and when the child doesn't get it right away.

[AnIslandGirl]

We too have a perfectionist who has a hard time accepting mediocrity from others. Once our dd9 has something mastered (usually after seeing it the first time), she becomes visibly board with anyone who is struggling to learn. As she has gotten older, she now realizes that her boredom comes across as snotty, but for the longest time, it was painful to watch.

 

Once we approached it as, these children need more time, so maybe you can help them since you understand it so well, then it slowly became less of an issue. We do point it out to her though if we notice it ramping up.

[dbmamaz]

My teen was this way about rule following. We had to keep telling him its not his job. To enforce, it's the teachers. He mostly outgrew it . . . Except with his little brother!

[OrganicAnn]

I've heard that sometimes it helps if the parents model this with themselves and others. So the parent makes a mistake (pretend or real). Pauses and then does some positive self talk. "Oh I did that wrong. Its okay. I'll try again. or I'll go back and fix my mistake. See that was okay." Do this at least daily.

 

The more a child hears that it is okay not to be perfect (parents, parent/kid interaction), then they'll have a script that is an alternative to expecting perfection.

 

Oldest children might be more prone to this because they are mimicking what they heard from their parents. Parents often loosen up with more children. But it is usually a combination of the child's personality and maybe birth order.

 

Also once you plant the idea that everyone makes mistakes. Then you can also have further discussions, you could tell stories about how scientists or explorers discovered new things because they made mistakes.

[kwg]

Yes, it took me a long time to figure out that I was a perfectionist b/c in my mind, I couldn't be since *nothing* I ever did came out perfect. I have worked on it, and I have done the modeling, reading, etc. *cringe*

 

It is the being that way with other people that is difficult to watch/understand. I do not think I model that (i was an elementary teacher and have heard feedback that I am patient), but I will pay more attention.

[briansmama]

I think it's also an age thing- children around 9 and 10 tend to be critical of others. We are definitely going through this here with our 9yr old ds. Some days I feel so badly for our 6yr old ds, who is getting tired of his older brother constantly pointing out what he does wrong.

 

We are working on it, but reminding our older ds that it's not his job doesn't seem to be helping. The only thing that really seems to get through is reminding him that when he was 6, we didn't go around criticizing his every move. But I have to remind him a lot!

[GSOchristie]

Yes, only it's in my own house. My oldest gets every nearly the first time you tell or show. My middle needs several times, he is three, after all. Asher gets so huffy and impatient, it drives me up the wall!