I've been thinking about my parents and what conversations I should have with them NOW before they're "old"...

[*********]

Anyone want to chime in?

 

As I shared here, my dad had a heart attack in August, and is finally home. But dad is (almost) 56, and mom is 54. Not old at all.

 

But mom is dealing with HER parents, who are mid 80's. They're refusing to move to assisted living, their health is deteriorating, there's issues with them driving, etc. I hear mom pour her heart out to me about things, about how hard this is, how tricky it is to deal with this issues with her parents. And I keep thinking 'Oh. My. Word. Is this me and you in thirty years?!'

 

Are there conversations I should be having with mom and dad NOW that will help? Should I just come out and ask mom 'So hey mom, what do you want me to do if and when you're driving becomes dangerous? And what should I do if you and dad are no longer safe living alone, but you refuse to move to a facility?'

 

Anyone done this? I mean, if there's things I can do NOW that will make it easier on all of us in the future, I'd like to do it. I'm thinking of making a list of questions, talking to mom and dad about them, then writing down their answers and saving it all. That way, if these things come up again in the future, I have those papers to pull out and say 'Hey, mom and dad, remember when you told me what I should do if blah blah blah happened? See, I have it right here what you said I should do. Well, I need to do that now..."

 

I don't know if I'm making sense. I just see the difficult spot my mom is in with her parents, and want to avoid that if I can.

[justamouse]

I tried after my FIL died and the family was in a tailspin.

 

My mother? As far as she's concerned, she'll never die, yet she's the one that's always predicting the end of the world--go figure. So, as softly as I tried to bring up my concerns, she was having none of it.

 

Me? I tell my husband and my family what I want all the time. They think me quite morbid, but I'm ok with that.

[Guest inoubliable]

I think there's nothing wrong with having a matter-of-fact conversation with your parents about what their wishes are. I mean, I'm assuming they'd want things done in a specific way with regards to a funeral, their remains, services, etc. You should know what they'd prefer should they become unable to make decisions for themselves later on. DH and I have advance directives in place, and legal documents filed (wills, advance directives filed with the state, organ donation stuff filed with the state, etc.). We've discussed with our oldest and with our dear friends (who would take custody of any minor children if DH and I die in a fiery crash anytime in the next 13 years) what we want and they know where to find the documents they'll need. I tried to have the same conversation with my parents but they refuse to acknowledge their mortality for some reason. You have to realize that some people won't face it, and not with their children. You may have to bring it up in a more sneaky way. Like, "Hey mom, I was watching a movie the other day and this mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the daughter wasn't sure what she should do about *whatever* and I started thinking that of course *you'd* want me to do blah blah blah. Right?" Something like that.

[Laura Corin]

This is hard for me to answer, because the 50yo people are Laura and Husband, not our parents. If my children were adult, I'd like to have that kind of conversation. But I think it's just as valuable to talk about how to reach a stage where these decisions are easier. Are the middle-aged people living in a house that is easily adaptable for infirmity? Do they live an easy taxi ride from shops and doctors? Is their garden/yard manageable? These are all things that Husband and I are thinking through now, as well as the critical decisions.

 

It's worth talking about money too. We are setting up a kind of two tier retirement (assuming that Husband gets a job that covers our expenses in the next while). We have a flat which is rented out. This is our major retirement income. If the day comes when we need more money (for assisted care or whatever) we or our children can sell it for more cash.

 

Laura

[mama2cntrykids]

I know exactly what you're saying. My mom is dealing with my termanially ill grandpa and has been for quite some time. Before he became terminal, she and her siblings tried to convince him to go into assisted living and he refused.

 

Well, now his health is taking a huge dip and it's looking like hospice will come into play soon. I've had the convo with my mom many times about going into assisted living when she can't care for herself properly and she totally agrees. She has first hand experience on how hard it is to deal with a stubborn parent when it comes to this stuff and she doesn't want me to go through what she's going through.

 

Hugs to you. It's HARD!

[TranquilMind]

Anyone want to chime in?

 

As I shared here, my dad had a heart attack in August, and is finally home. But dad is (almost) 56, and mom is 54. Not old at all.

 

But mom is dealing with HER parents, who are mid 80's. They're refusing to move to assisted living, their health is deteriorating, there's issues with them driving, etc. I hear mom pour her heart out to me about things, about how hard this is, how tricky it is to deal with this issues with her parents. And I keep thinking 'Oh. My. Word. Is this me and you in thirty years?!'

 

Are there conversations I should be having with mom and dad NOW that will help? Should I just come out and ask mom 'So hey mom, what do you want me to do if and when you're driving becomes dangerous? And what should I do if you and dad are no longer safe living alone, but you refuse to move to a facility?'

 

Anyone done this? I mean, if there's things I can do NOW that will make it easier on all of us in the future, I'd like to do it. I'm thinking of making a list of questions, talking to mom and dad about them, then writing down their answers and saving it all. That way, if these things come up again in the future, I have those papers to pull out and say 'Hey, mom and dad, remember when you told me what I should do if blah blah blah happened? See, I have it right here what you said I should do. Well, I need to do that now..."

 

I don't know if I'm making sense. I just see the difficult spot my mom is in with her parents, and want to avoid that if I can.

 

Yes, just ask what you should do.

 

My kids already know all this stuff even though they are teens, but then, I have already been a caregiver to an elderly mom. They even know what music they are to play at my funeral (partly rock and roll....I'd love to see everyone's face when the organ chorus on "Free Bird" begins :drool: ).

 

Yes, this is you in 30 years. Get it cleared up now. Of course, you may have it somewhat easy. My Mom became forgetful and really didn't drive much anyway. It was easy to swipe the key

[Alessandra]

Some things that I found helpful:

 

-- I was part of meetings with estate attorney (and was executer). This helped me to understand finances.

-- I was able to go to some doctor appointments with each parent. This changed the dynamic between parents & me -- I wasn't just a kid anymore, but a source of help & advice.

-- Parents & I met with stockbroker and bank periodically.

-- My parents were VERY reluctant to give up any power, but they did do a limited power of attorney (I think it was called a bank power of attorney), so I could sign checks, get cash out of bank. My parents were both very sharp mentally until the end of their lives, and this was all that was needed.

 

I guess what I really wanted to emphasize (I know your situation could end up being quite different from mine) is that it was tremendously helpful that all my parents' legal, financial and medical people knew me quite well and knew that my parents relied on me and trusted me. It made everything a lot easier than I think it would have bee had I been only a signature on a document.

 

It was also a help that I was familiar with my parents' bills and credit cards, so that I could cancel credit cards, etc.

 

Then there is the find a grave and so on stuff. My experience is that all the professionals in those areas are used to distraught people who have not planned ahead, and they know how to make everything work. So I wouldn't worry overmuch about that. But you should make sure you know who their close friends are (including people they may not see, but who are childhood/school friends), so they can be notified.