Can a 5yo understand....

[Pamela H in Texas]

Don't tell me, show me?

 

My 5yo is promising me he won't do a certain behavior he has done for a long time (it was in the notes from the last foster home). It is a typical attachment disorder/anxiety/control behavior. I'm sick of hearing it. Now he is offended when I ask which I have to under the circumstances. He says he said he won't do it anymore. I tried to explain to him that he has told me that MANY times and yet continues to do it so I'll believe him when I see he's stopped. It makes him sad that I don't believe him; but imo, that is the natural consequence to him continuing that behavior all this time (not to mention all the other lying).

 

I'm just not sure he *gets* the concept of "put up or shut up" (btw, I did *not* use that phrase with him!).

 

Any ideas to help him understand?

[tabrizia]

My 5 year old doesn't get the distinction. He did recently have a traumatic brain injury which might affect him in this regard though.

 

No real help here, sorry.

[Mommyof4ks]

Is it something he can control? I know anxiety and attachment issues are not easily controlled by adults, so a five year old would have a really hard time. I could not imagine moving from house to house and not feeling loved by those around me. It would create a lot of anxiety for me as an adult.

 

We were foster parents for a while, and a huge thing for the first 3-6 months of placement was praise and acknowledgment of good behaviors as well as modeling of good behaviors. The admonishing usually came from therapists. What has his therapist said about his behavior, and what is he/she doing to help you with it? I would not do more than reminding him when he does it that the behavior is not acceptable.

[LaxMom]

I think *conceptually* a five year old can understand "show me, don't tell me". But five year olds don't have terrific impulse control, so I would expect to have him fall down, repeatedly.

 

It's probably wise to find and preplan some coping techniques that you can redirect him toward when the factors that lead to this behaviour fall into place, and then be vigilant in catching him before he starts into the behavior. So, something like "when you feel like X, you think you need to do Y, but that's not the right thing to do (which he recognizes) and so we're going to try to remind you to do Z when we see you heading that way". And then, before he gets to the behavior, "I think I see you heading toward Y. Let's take a step back and think about what is the right thing to do here."

 

Reactive behaviors are hard to stop, even when we're rational adults who can see they're destructive. It takes a lot of conscious effort to stop before we react in our old (undesirable) pattern and make a better decision, at least until that becomes the habit. Know what I mean?

 

Adults stumble. We should expect kids to stumble, too, while they learn tools to help them avoid hitting the same obstacle every time. :grouphug: It's hard, this parenting thing.

[Pamela H in Texas]

THanks y'all.....

 

I can *so* see what y'all are saying in one way, especially towards behaviors my 4yo has, for example. Typical kid stuff. THey are impulsive. We all make mistakes anyway (boy don't *I*!). I'm going to have to think how it relates to this particular behavior.

 

JFWIW, he's been here almost 18months now so we're not talking about me being frustrated with a kid who has been here only the month he's been adopted. However, a lot of times, I think I should be parenting the way I would the first week they were here. If only I could be that gentle and understanding and not think, "you know better!"

 

We have done a number of things to help. They seem to in spurts. For example, he has a feelings chart so he can move the hand on it rather than do this behavior. Also, if we are extra firm or got loud or whatever, we immediately ask him about it so he can hopefully not choose it then, of course, we apologize and restate. We also tell him he can SAY, "I'm scared when...." or "I am angry at you because...." rather than doing the behavior. Unfortunately, the behavior is pretty instantaneous when it happens or happens when we can't predict. Also, it isn't like he has to DO something to do it. For example, it'd be easier to redirect a kid who was going to stomp off to his room and slam the door and throw all the laundry on the floor because you can catch him before he gets to his room or before this part or that part of it. But this is something he can just DO! But....

 

However, I definitely see how reactive behaviors are hard to stop. I have some myself (didn't know I had them til I had these kiddos!).

 

I *want* to praise him for doing well since he last made the decision. However, that is a SURE way to make him do it. Many months ago, I decided to give a sticker each morning after he didn't do it the day before (we aren't big on rewards, but I used them twice with my son for very specific behaviors...and I thought being positive in the morning would set the tone for the day). So the first day, he didn't even try (did it like 4 times that day) so I gave his brother and sister a sticker for it. That seemed to work and he made it through day two. The next morning, I give him a sticker and within 2 minutes (!!!!) he did it! He handed me back the sticker. I told him to keep it because it was for the day before. He put it on his window sill <sigh>.

 

Anyway, I know he has completely control over this and I just have to deal until he decides to do something different. And I know it is one of those behaviors he may do until he leaves home so I should just be happy if he decides to stop before then. I guess I thought he *would* by now though. His sister stopped after a few months. And I guess I thought we were a good enough family and proving it that he wouldn't feel the need to resort to it.

 

Oh, we have taken a break from therapy (last one was the week after adoption). Therapist says I just need to let him deal with the consequences and keep providing the environment and he MIGHT quit one day. Or not. And part of it is his personality. Even that is obviously because of what he went through though so I thought that maybe ONE day he'd see that those old tapes in his head aren't correct. Of course, maybe one day isn't 18months later, but more like 3years or 10 years later.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug:

 

I think you are going to have to just give this one more time.

[deacongirl]

I think the approach in Transforming the Difficult Child could be helpful.

[Dobela]

It could be a behavior brought on by RAD. That would mean yes, he could control it but he would rather control you and your reactions and since it obviously upsets you, he continues the behavior. And he may not even be conscious of why he is doing the behavior, even though he continues it.

 

That being said, and not knowing what the actual behavior is, I believe in catching them while they are being good if at all possible. I would start praising him for everything else. Give him lots of attention for all the other things he is doing well. It doesn't have to be big demonstrative things, just a quick high 5 or a pat on the back kind of a thing. It doesn't have to be done in front of the other kids.

[Pamela H in Texas]

It is definitely one of "those" behaviors. He knows why (fear and anger are usually the reasons...sometimes we can't tell why, but we know from Heather Forbes that kids are often operating from a place of fear even if there isn't an in-the-moment trigger). I *try* not to react strongly or upset. Usually, it's a nonchalant sentence in response. But it is *hard* because it is so...well, it just is.

 

We are spending a lot of time on the floor as a family. People crawl up in my lap (sometimes three of them!) and then go play then come back...much the way you would expect 15month olds to do. I try to remember that I basically have quintuplets right now. No wonder I'm tired.

 

And I noticed that doing his "wall" (school-board, basically), he'll do a lot better if I keep it SUPER short and hold him the whole time.

 

I do praise him on many things (again, much how you get excited when a toddler says "no-no" or pees in the potty or throws a ball for the first time), but I kinda walk on egg shells about it also at this point because I don't want him to go do something awful, disgusting, etc in response.

 

I wish I could do it perfectly like Beyond Consequences and Michelle Duggar. Sugary sweet, empathetic, encouraging, never outwardly flustered...Do you know how far that is from my personality!?!?!