homeschoolin'mygirls Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 A woman I work with is very frustrated with her 13 y/o dd. She seems to take all of her daughter's behavior very personally and feels the daughter is deliberately trying to hurt her. Today she was telling me about the latest incident and she was shaking. Literally crying and shaking, saying that dd is going to make her(mom) hurt her(dd) if dd doesn't stop her behaviors. She then would calm down but still be very angry sounding and say she was going to send dd to a girls school. I don't believe there's any abuse--yet. I also don't think a 13 y/o is going to be able to change her behavior as quickly-if at all. So I know tension is going to rise. I've talked with her. Fortunately, she and I have a fairly good relationship and she is willing to take guidance from me. Anybody have suggestions? Books? (She is a Christian so religious is ok) Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 A woman I work with is very frustrated with her 13 y/o dd. She seems to take all of her daughter's behavior very personally and feels the daughter is deliberately trying to hurt her. Today she was telling me about the latest incident and she was shaking. Literally crying and shaking' date=' saying that dd is going to make her(mom) hurt her(dd) if dd doesn't stop her behaviors. She then would calm down but still be very angry sounding and say she was going to send dd to a girls school. I don't believe there's any abuse--yet. I also don't think a 13 y/o is going to be able to change her behavior as quickly-if at all. So I know tension is going to rise. I've talked with her. Fortunately, she and I have a fairly good relationship and she is willing to take guidance from me. Anybody have suggestions? Books? (She is a Christian so religious is ok) Nan[/quote'] I am confused. Who are you afraid is going to be abused? The mom or the Dd? Does the mom feel physically threatened by her teen Dd? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolin'mygirls Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Let me clarify that confusing sentence-- Mom feels dd's behavior is going to push Mom to the point where Mom will hurt dd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 so you are looking for a good book about learning to parent teens through their difficult years . . . not that i have any. i didnt handle it too well, either, and took things way too personally. you know, like when she came swinging at me :confused: it got better tho . .. and i never struck her, tho i did curse her out a few times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbotoast Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 My parents are enjoying Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0936197447/ref=mp_s_a_1?pi=47x75&qid=1345946872&sr=8-1 My youngest sister is very much a teenager. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Let me clarify that confusing sentence-- Mom feels dd's behavior is going to push Mom to the point where Mom will hurt dd I think she needs counseling. Pronto. She needs someone professional involved to help her through this, and she and her daughter need to be physically safe in the home. Books are great for learning ahead of time, or for reinforcing what one is learning from good mentors, but she needs in-person help, I think. Do you know of any counselors that you could refer her to? Do you know enough about her pastor to know if it's a good idea to suggest she talk to him? (By 'good idea,' I mean do you know that he won't tell her to physically punish her daughter, or say the daughter might be demon-possessed, or tell her it's her own sins causing the problem,or anything like that.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 I'm hoping I can say this and it makes any sense. It isn't that she would *really* hurt the daughter, but that she's so upset, probably scared, that she has horrible thoughts, has held herself back, etc. She has *shown* that she has at least enough self-control to not harm the girl. She is probably beating herself up over her mistakes that have led to this as well as for how angry and frustrated she feels. She may be scared, saddened, and upset that she could have such awful thoughts towards her daughter also. She absolutely needs to get a handle on this. It isn't because she's going to abuse the girl because that is unlikely. But it isn't helping the relationship for it to go on like this. And it isn't good for her health to continue to have such incidents. And the daughter needs her to be there for her (guidance, love, acceptance, discipline, etc). It can be very challenging regardless of the age of the child. I hope she gets to the point where she can let go of the fear so she can do best by herself and the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 I don't have teens yet, but I've worked with them enough and remember enough about being one to know that teens test limits. They push and push and usually don't realize they are even doing it. And although sometimes they'll do things to deliberately push their parents' buttons, I think many times parents can take things personally that are really about the teen and not about them. Most teens (especially younger teens) are amazingly self-focused and would be baffled by the idea that someone thought they chose to do "X" because of how it would affect their parents. Obviously a teen's actions *do* affect and reflect on the parents, but many teens just aren't thinking about that when they make their choices. They're thinking about what they want and how it will affect them. I've had some almost comical discussions with teens, pointing out how their actions will/would/did affect others in ways that they were completely oblivious to. All that to say--unless there are some seriously unhealthy family dynamics at play here where the daughter *is* trying to hurt the mom (which is possible--we don't have enough information from the short OP), chances are really good that the girl is just a normal teen who often acts without thinking through all the consequences for *herself*, much less stopping to think, "Hey, I wonder how this will impact my mom?" If that's the case, mom needs some help with learning to separate herself a bit and being able the step back and be more objective. What her daughter needs is someone who can (and will) pull her out of her own little world and help her begin to understand how what she does impacts others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 --Sorry, having problems posting on my kindle-- If the teen's issues are really just normal teen stuff, then mom needs some serious help with separating--that kind of reaction sounds almost codependent. If it's more than that and the dd really *is* trying to hurt her mom, she still needs help to deal with whatever is going on there. Either way, I'd probably agree with Tibby that counseling for mom at least would be a good idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Either way, I'd probably agree with Tibby that counseling for mom at least would be a good idea. I think I agree with this, but it's very hard to say without knowing the people involved. It's very hard to determine what kind of advice to give unless you know the person and the workings of the family dynamics. I'd have to say, that even friends sometimes don't know all the specifics---even you may not. A pastor or counselor may be the best option rather than advice or books that may not truly address what is happening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 I think I agree with this, but it's very hard to say without knowing the people involved. It's very hard to determine what kind of advice to give unless you know the person and the workings of the family dynamics. I'd have to say, that even friends sometimes don't know all the specifics---even you may not. A pastor or counselor may be the best option rather than advice or books that may not truly address what is happening. Yeah, I'm not usually one to jump immediately on the counseling bandwagon, but the situation in the OP sounds fairly extreme w/mom at the end of the rope, and I can only see two reasons. Either the dd really *is* out of control and out to "get" mom, or mom is taking it waaaaay too personally and can't step back, be more objective, and cope with it on her own. Either way, it really sounds like she needs some help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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