Choosing Forgiveness (CC)

[Hunter's Moon]

I just finished reading "Choosing Forgiveness" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I understand *why* I must choose forgiveness but actually doing it is a whole other thing.

 

What does it *feel* like to forgive someone? I *want* to forgive these people, but they've hurt me deeply and continue to. It is hard not to snap at them or hold it against them, especially while living with them. Especially when I'm always being snapped at. It is hard to use gentle words when all I grew up with was the opposite and all I am faced with daily is ungentle words.

 

I understand forgiveness is no longer holding something against someone. I understand it in my head, but my heart is having a hard time grasping the idea. I pray about it, read books on the subject, look to the Bible for some answers, but I'm stuck. I can say that I forgive someone, but I don't *feel* like I do. Maybe at that moment I do, but once I am faced with a situation again that brings up the old feelings, I feel the forgiveness slip away. If it had been real forgiveness, it couldn't have slipped away, right? :confused:

 

Anyone want to give me their take?

[Dory]

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you become a doormat. You learn from what happened, make some firm boundaries so that you won't be trampled by them again, and then move on. There are people in my life that I have limited contact with. Not because I hate them, but because they have proven themselves not to be trustworthy. Forgiving for the big stuff took time with me. It would be me reminding myself to walk away from it, that it wasn't worth my energy being angry at something like that, that I was only hurting myself. Then the next time I saw them I would end up going through it again. It took awhile. It's like carrying a load. You set it down, but then you pick it up again. So then you have to remind yourself to set it back down again.

 

It helps to make good boundaries in your relationships, and it helps to remind yourself that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

 

Perhaps trying to see things from their side of life my help. It won't make what they did right, but it might make it easier to figure out why they are the way they are.

[Hunter's Moon]

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you become a doormat. You learn from what happened, make some firm boundaries so that you won't be trampled by them again, and then move on. There are people in my life that I have limited contact with. Not because I hate them, but because they have proven themselves not to be trustworthy. Forgiving for the big stuff took time with me. It would be me reminding myself to walk away from it, that it wasn't worth my energy being angry at something like that, that I was only hurting myself. Then the next time I saw them I would end up going through it again. It took awhile. It's like carrying a load. You set it down, but then you pick it up again. So then you have to remind yourself to set it back down again.

 

It helps to make good boundaries in your relationships, and it helps to remind yourself that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

 

Perhaps trying to see things from their side of life my help. It won't make what they did right, but it might make it easier to figure out why they are the way they are.

 

Thanks, I find your example of carrying a load helpful.

 

I have tried to set boundaries but one person tramples all over them. Some boundaries have worked though, and those are the ones that I can control. Removing myself from a situation, not getting into an argument, etc. But if I am in the car with someone and they're saying things to me that I don't feel comfortable listening to, I can't remove myself from the situation. I am working on just letting it go in one ear and out the other, but it is so hard!

 

Thanks!

[Dory]

Thanks, I find your example of carrying a load helpful.

 

I have tried to set boundaries but one person tramples all over them. Some boundaries have worked though, and those are the ones that I can control. Removing myself from a situation, not getting into an argument, etc. But if I am in the car with someone and they're saying things to me that I don't feel comfortable listening to, I can't remove myself from the situation. I am working on just letting it go in one ear and out the other, but it is so hard!

 

Thanks!

 

I have those people in my life too. I still struggle with it. I find it wild that I have no problem forgiving the cousin that molested me when I was a teenager, but the guy that I interact with on a daily basis I struggle with. Give it time, I know that sometimes it takes a little time and practice.

Learning to tell someone that that might not be a good thing to talk about or do might help to. Although I am horrible at that.

[BakersDozen]

it helps to remind yourself that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

:iagree: Coming to this realization was life changing for me - truly life changing. I was better able to deal with the residual feelings in myself without feeling guilty for having those feelings. I can now sense a separation in my mind of forgiveness and experience; I can forgive and truly mean it yet the memory of what happened is still there and as a result there may be consequences (boundaries, for example) and that is absolutely OK.

[pfamilygal]

Something I have been doing to work through forgiveness of certain people is choosing to bless when I think of them. Even saying outloud if I can.

 

Look at Romans 12:14-20. I think when we choose to forgive and then go the extra mile of blessing the person, God works in our hearts to change us.

[Hunter's Moon]

I have those people in my life too. I still struggle with it. I find it wild that I have no problem forgiving the cousin that molested me when I was a teenager, but the guy that I interact with on a daily basis I struggle with. Give it time, I know that sometimes it takes a little time and practice.

Learning to tell someone that that might not be a good thing to talk about or do might help to. Although I am horrible at that.

 

The infuriating thing is that I have told this person, repeatedly, that I don't feel comfortable discussing certain subjects with them. Yet they do it anyways. I feel like the only way at this point to not go crazy is to just ignore what they say. I have to work on not reacting but it'll be hard to undo a lifetime of that.

[Dory]

The infuriating thing is that I have told this person, repeatedly, that I don't feel comfortable discussing certain subjects with them. Yet they do it anyways. I feel like the only way at this point to not go crazy is to just ignore what they say. I have to work on not reacting but it'll be hard to undo a lifetime of that.

 

:grouphug:

[Hunter's Moon]

:iagree: Coming to this realization was life changing for me - truly life changing. I was better able to deal with the residual feelings in myself without feeling guilty for having those feelings. I can now sense a separation in my mind of forgiveness and experience; I can forgive and truly mean it yet the memory of what happened is still there and as a result there may be consequences (boundaries, for example) and that is absolutely OK.

 

My own guilt is what gets me. I have trouble understanding that I have to put up boundaries because they chose to do what they did. I am grateful for the experiences because they led me to where I am and I am really beginning to like who I am, but it is still hard to forgive. I know it isn't forgetting, but what should I do when I think about them and my blood boils? Does that part of forgiveness come with time, or have I not truly forgiven them if I still feel this way?

 

I guess my main question is: Is forgiveness an ongoing thing? Do I have to continually choose to forgive them? Is that really forgiveness, or the path towards forgiveness?

 

Something I have been doing to work through forgiveness of certain people is choosing to bless when I think of them. Even saying outloud if I can.

 

Look at Romans 12:14-20. I think when we choose to forgive and then go the extra mile of blessing the person, God works in our hearts to change us.

 

This was mentioned several times in "Choosing Forgiveness" and it was and still is an interesting concept to me. I will have to continually remind myself to do this.

 

Thanks

[mandymom]

The thing is, forgiveness isn't a feeling. It's action. It's choosing (even when you don't feel like it) to release someone from a debt (usually an emotional one) that they owe. Sometimes you do it daily. It is the hardest thing you'll ever do, because it actually feels rotten at first. I think our human nature wants people to hurt as badly as we hurt, even though they rarely do.

 

But, forgiveness draws you closer to Christ. And that is when you start to feel the peace and freedom that comes with forgiveness. And while you don't forget what a person or persons have done, the pain does become less and the tight grip that it holds on your heart is loosed. And you start to truly understand the forgiveness that Christ has given to you.

 

It's a long, hard process but one that is so very vital. I wish that I had never been hurt deeply, but I can tell you that God is so very good in the healing.

[Hunter's Moon]

The thing is, forgiveness isn't a feeling. It's action. It's choosing (even when you don't feel like it) to release someone from a debt (usually an emotional one) that they owe. Sometimes you do it daily. It is the hardest thing you'll ever do, because it actually feels rotten at first. I think our human nature wants people to hurt as badly as we hurt, even though they rarely do.

 

But, forgiveness draws you closer to Christ. And that is when you start to feel the peace and freedom that comes with forgiveness. And while you don't forget what a person or persons have done, the pain does become less and the tight grip that it holds on your heart is loosed. And you start to truly understand the forgiveness that Christ has given to you.

 

It's a long, hard process but one that is so very vital. I wish that I had never been hurt deeply, but I can tell you that God is so very good in the healing.

 

Thank you. This is *exactly* what I needed to hear. I've been feeling guilty that I don't *feel* the forgiveness. :001_smile:

[Chris in VA]

I've heard it defined as choosing to treat them as if they never hurt you. That doesn't mean don't have boundaries, it means let go of the behavior you have changed towards them that they caused by hurting you.

 

I think it's another "onion" thing--just when I thought I'd forgiven someone for something hateful, I was triggered again and fell into the unforgiveness. Had to peel it back, have to keep peeling it back.

 

Hard work, makes you cry...keeping your mouth shut helps! LOL! (That's what my mom always said about peeling onions.)