How to handle a meltdown...

[KatA]

So I'm new to this whole parenting gig. My son has been an easy kid the first few years. But now we're getting to an age where he seems to melting down more.

 

For instance: I'm trying to potty train. I don't know what I'm doing. I bought some training pants and put them on while we're at home, then every 15-30 mins, I bring him to the bathroom. I bribe him with chocolate.

 

However, when it comes to putting on his training pants, he freaks out. Freaks out. I usually put it on and distract him with the promised chocolate. But as of right now, he's screaming at the top of his lungs. I just put him in his room to let him cool down but he's still screaming. So how do I handle this? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Should I not push the toilet training? It's not the sitting on the toilet, he sits down willingly. But he needs to wear the underwear eventually (same thing happened with regular underwear). This is after a nap and snack, so it's not the usual things. Is he just resistant to change? If so, how do I handle this... Thanks in advance.

[melissad2]

It is a control issue. What if you hold up two different pair of underwear and let him choose which one he likes?

 

As far as the meltdown part, my now 5yo was the king of meltdowns (still is sometimes). I find if you remove the audience once they figure out that no one is listening they usually cut it out fairly quickly. Although mine could go on for quite a while they are getting less frequent.

[KatA]

It is a control issue. What if you hold up two different pair of underwear and let him choose which one he likes?

 

As far as the meltdown part, my now 5yo was the king of meltdowns (still is sometimes). I find if you remove the audience once they figure out that no one is listening they usually cut it out fairly quickly. Although mine could go on for quite a while they are getting less frequent.

 

I'll try the different underwear the next time. He's so stubborn, I can see him not wanting either. :glare: I put him in his room with the baby gate up, and he sat there screaming and then pee'd on the floor. Sigh...

[Mom22ns]

I think you are pushing the potty training when he isn't ready. You won't have to force it when he is ready. You could try the two pairs thing, but I've never had to take a child to the bathroom every little while. When they are ready, they will start using the potty. My first was 2 1/2 (boy), my second 18 mos.

 

Meltdowns vary with the personality of the child. One of my is autistic spectrum. The advice of leave or let him work it out on his own did NOT work. He would scream until he threw up. He was not capable of self calming once he reached melt down stage. Know your own child and do what feels right to YOU, not to any of us.

[justLisa]

Well, DS could not tolerate the feel of diaper material. I used cloth trainers. It's not like they can take a huge pee and not feel wet, but it's the difference between pee instantly dripping down and being able to hold an accident. My son had sensory issues and could not tolerate underwear until he was using the toilet for several months. I just bought lots of cheap cotton sweats/pants. Once I took underwear out of the equation it was like instant fix. Maybe allow him to just wear cotton pants? And try to make a deal such as one accident you clean it up, but the second or third he gets a pull up (or cloth trainer of some kind)

[KatA]

Well after he pee'd on the floor, he was walking around naked. I did the two underwear choice and he wanted neither, so I picked one and he suddenly wanted the other. And he helped me put it on.

 

I don't think he's not ready and I don't think I'm pushing it. I put him in cloth underwear so he could feel pee and I could talk about what we do with pee. He never seems to be bothered with pee or even poop in his diaper. I've noticed in the past few days when I've put diapers on him for sleep, he'll tell me more frequently that he wants his diaper changed when he wakes up. And like I said, he sits on the toilet by himself, but when he's doing something fun and I have to transition quickly (like I know a pee is coming), I use chocolate.

 

The general question was how to handle meltdowns, maybe meltdown was too strong of a word. They're very loud tantrums. He does this with other things as well, when my husband tried to wash shampoo out of his hair. I can see it might be a control thing, he wants to do his thing and us parents are ruining his fun. So I'll try to give him a little more independence with his personal care.

 

Also, I do rely on my instincts with my child, but sometimes I don't think of everything. I'm perfectly content with dressing him, bathing him, doing stuff for him because it speeds up the process. Obviously that has to change. So I appreciate someone else's opinion and advice.

[melissad2]

Well after he pee'd on the floor, he was walking around naked. I did the two underwear choice and he wanted neither, so I picked one and he suddenly wanted the other. And he helped me put it on.

 

I don't think he's not ready and I don't think I'm pushing it. I put him in cloth underwear so he could feel pee and I could talk about what we do with pee. He never seems to be bothered with pee or even poop in his diaper. I've noticed in the past few days when I've put diapers on him for sleep, he'll tell me more frequently that he wants his diaper changed when he wakes up. And like I said, he sits on the toilet by himself, but when he's doing something fun and I have to transition quickly (like I know a pee is coming), I use chocolate.

 

The general question was how to handle meltdowns, maybe meltdown was too strong of a word. They're very loud tantrums. He does this with other things as well, when my husband tried to wash shampoo out of his hair. I can see it might be a control thing, he wants to do his thing and us parents are ruining his fun. So I'll try to give him a little more independence with his personal care.

 

Also, I do rely on my instincts with my child, but sometimes I don't think of everything. I'm perfectly content with dressing him, bathing him, doing stuff for him because it speeds up the process. Obviously that has to change. So I appreciate someone else's opinion and advice.

 

I feel your pain! Really!

 

My oldest was an angelic 2yo but then 3 happened and lasted til 5! If he asked for milk and you got him milk he would then throw a fit and say he wanted juice so you get him juice and he would melt into a puddle sobbing that he wanted milk!

[Joanne]

Well after he pee'd on the floor, he was walking around naked. I did the two underwear choice and he wanted neither, so I picked one and he suddenly wanted the other. And he helped me put it on.

 

I don't think he's not ready and I don't think I'm pushing it. I put him in cloth underwear so he could feel pee and I could talk about what we do with pee. He never seems to be bothered with pee or even poop in his diaper. I've noticed in the past few days when I've put diapers on him for sleep, he'll tell me more frequently that he wants his diaper changed when he wakes up. And like I said, he sits on the toilet by himself, but when he's doing something fun and I have to transition quickly (like I know a pee is coming), I use chocolate.

 

The general question was how to handle meltdowns, maybe meltdown was too strong of a word. They're very loud tantrums. He does this with other things as well, when my husband tried to wash shampoo out of his hair. I can see it might be a control thing, he wants to do his thing and us parents are ruining his fun. So I'll try to give him a little more independence with his personal care.

 

Also, I do rely on my instincts with my child, but sometimes I don't think of everything. I'm perfectly content with dressing him, bathing him, doing stuff for him because it speeds up the process. Obviously that has to change. So I appreciate someone else's opinion and advice.

 

For reference, I have 3 teenage children - 2 of them boys and one of them intense.

 

I learned that the *less* I do about "potty training", the easier it is for all of us. Really. My kids told me when they were ready, I took them to WalMart, they picked out their underwear and it was pretty much a done deal.

 

About the rest? If you want him to grow into greater autonomy, don't do for him what he can do (dressing, hygiene, etc.)

 

Meltdowns and tantrums? Mostly make sure that when I have a firm answer, it is worth the energy on my part of being a firm answer. In addition, I learned that with intense types, I needed to actively *teach* emotional control and modulation. Some humans don't have an intuitive understanding of what situations are a "2" and what are an "8". So, with my intense kids and those in my care over the years, I literally told them what the emotional scale severity was and helped them make their reaction match. Continued drama was a choice to be removed from action until you had yourself under control (but I did teach soothing, calming, and centering skills).

[Terabith]

Joanne, could you provide an example of emotional scales? For instance, how do I help my daughters understand what the scale is like - what is a 2 vs an 8?