Foster / Adopt Questions

[Peaceful Isle]

My friend has been trying to have a baby for 10 years :( Without going into private info, there is really not chance of them having there own.

They don't have the money for a private adoption , so they are starting the process of foster with the intent to adopt. She is only going to foster/adopt a baby, not any older child.

She is such a great person, and I have been praying for years for her to have children!

Is there any tips, pros/cons, things to do, things to be ready for etc that you ladies can give me? She is starting her classes in a few wks, and I'd love to be able to share with her some info from other moms who have BTDT.

 

Lindsay :)

[Peaceful Isle]

Anyone ? :001_huh:

[Spryte]

Foster Adopt parent here. :)

 

I don't know about the classes that your friend will take, but I do wish that I'd gone into our training classes knowing how emotional they could be, and that in a lot of ways the classes would be painful. We had many people drop out of training when they realized it was not all unicorns and rainbows and happy children bursting with relief to be in a new home. In our classes, even though we were hoping for an infant... we focused on all ages. There were a few particularly rough classes, and I remember feeling sad that the people who dropped out did so... because it did get better. But it is painful to talk about the grief and trauma that these kids live. So, I think, if I knew your friend... I would encourage her to stick it out, to commit to going to all of the classes to get a fair idea of what to expect.

 

I also would encourage her to keep going, despite what she may here about infant foster adopt. We were told, in our classes, that it was a rarity. Yet, within months, an infant was placed with us, and there were several more in our area. We had already discussed it, though, and decided that age 0 - 5 would work for us, with a good support system. We were surprised by the way it all worked out!

 

As for getting ready ahead of time... We did the basics, knowing that we were not sure what to expect regarding gender or age.

 

HTH!

[Lynnae]

Our situation is a bit different, as we did a relative specific foster adopt, but I've learned a lot in the process. I actually just wrote a blog post on the subject, but it's not live yet. It will probably show up at http://www.beingfrugal.net later this week, if you're interested in a blog post length take on the subject.

 

But for now, in short, there are pros and cons to foster adopting. The biggest pro is cost, of course.

 

It's possible to foster adopt a baby, but as a foster parent, your friend needs to be prepared to support reunification with the child's family first and foremost. Most babies will end up going back to the parents or to other relatives, and no matter what the social workers tell you, you really don't know what's going to happen. Cases can go many ways, and most of them twist and turn until the very end.

 

Also, since children are in care for a reason, she shouldn't expect a perfectly healthy child. That's not to say foster children aren't wonderful children. They are, but they present challenges that children born to healthy, nurturing parents don't have to deal with...the effects of drugs, learning to trust adults, etc, etc.

 

That said, our foster case did go to adoption, and we are thrilled that we jumped in to foster and then adopt our relative. Things can turn out wonderfully, but you have to be prepared for a long "mental" labor.

[Pamela H in Texas]

It is very important that your friend realize that even babies *are* effected by being in the system, moving homes (even if they come from the hospital), and then later adoption. Our therapist works with LOTS of kids who were with their adoptive parents from just a few months old, or even picked up from the hospital. They have some major issues still (btw, her own two adopted as infant children also).

 

Additionally, I *highly* suggest she does as much of the caregiving as possible. These kids are held by EVERYONE, expected to go with strangers, etc. It is one thing for them to visit their biological parents, but there is also CASA, casworkers, transporters, etc. If possible, she should take child to and from visits, loving on kiddo after them rather than plopping her back in a carseat for the drive home. Encourage baby to be friendly but hold her as she is visiting with workers. Don't play pass the baby except with hubby.

 

It is also wise if she would read/watch things like Karyn Purvis (The Connected Child book plus lots of videos online). Being ready for what MAY come about is wise, even if it is fairly mild "why was I adopted" stuff. But fact is that many kids have more issues than that because of biology, prenatal issues, issues those first couple months.

 

Of course, baby may just be fine and will grow up fine as anyone else. But I think it prudent to be aware of possibilities and handle them the best you can (which means being educated) along the ways.

[NotSoObvious]

It is very important that your friend realize that even babies *are* effected by being in the system, moving homes (even if they come from the hospital), and then later adoption. Our therapist works with LOTS of kids who were with their adoptive parents from just a few months old, or even picked up from the hospital. They have some major issues still (btw, her own two adopted as infant children also).

 

Additionally, I *highly* suggest she does as much of the caregiving as possible. These kids are held by EVERYONE, expected to go with strangers, etc. It is one thing for them to visit their biological parents, but there is also CASA, casworkers, transporters, etc. If possible, she should take child to and from visits, loving on kiddo after them rather than plopping her back in a carseat for the drive home. Encourage baby to be friendly but hold her as she is visiting with workers. Don't play pass the baby except with hubby.

 

It is also wise if she would read/watch things like Karyn Purvis (The Connected Child book plus lots of videos online). Being ready for what MAY come about is wise, even if it is fairly mild "why was I adopted" stuff. But fact is that many kids have more issues than that because of biology, prenatal issues, issues those first couple months.

 

Of course, baby may just be fine and will grow up fine as anyone else. But I think it prudent to be aware of possibilities and handle them the best you can (which means being educated) along the ways.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I hope she realizes that no amount of money in the world makes foster care like a private, infant adoption. It's a completely different scenario. Completely.

She should definitely take the classes, then reevaluate. She should also realize that the chances of adopting a baby are slim, but not impossible and she should be prepared to care for a child for a year or more and then have that child go home. Your first priority needs to be supporting reunification, if possible. That was harder than we ever imagined!

We all go into it with some innocence, but it makes me nervous when it comes across as a last resort for people. It takes balls to be a foster parent!

 

Also, it was greatly stressed to us that you need to have had time and help to grieve your infertility before you embark on all of this. That was really good advice.

 

*** edited to add that I don't mean to imply that it was a last resort for your friend. It was just the way you worded your post that made me want to add that in there. It's just so different than traditional adoption. I don't mean to offend at all!

Edited June 10, 2012 by natnclay

[RebeccaS]

Another foster/adoptive parent here. :001_smile:

 

We've been fostering children for over 4 years now. We had many hours of classes that were to prepare us for what the children may have experienced, how the system worked, and what support we could expect. We also covered attachment-both how to work on that with out placements as well as what to look for in our children that may indicate attachment issues. It was frightening and enlightening all at the same time. Like a pp mentioned, we saw people drop out, especially when we covered s3x abuse. That class was just so.terribly.horrible. :crying:

 

We take children 3 years and younger-either gender, African American only. We have had 6 babies in the last 3 years and none of them have stayed. It's been really, very hard to send them on to another home (for various reasons we were not able to adopt one little girl) or back to a Mom that you just really worried about. Nothing prepares you for that heartache. I still grieve over that little girl, even 2 years later. I miss her something fierce.

 

Be prepared for sudden moves. Be prepared for lack of communication. Be prepared to fight for what you know that child needs. I'm not saying that all social workers are bad, but here where I live, they are busy and overburdened. Some workers are better than others either way. Being assertive is not something that comes naturally to me. I've had to work on it since becoming a foster parent. :tongue_smilie: Be prepared to have your heart break and to be so happy you just don't have words for it. The children I have had have been such a blessing and I so glad to have become a foster parent. However, if we are ever able to adopt again, I do believe we will be done. The emotional roller coaster is not always fun. ;)

[Peaceful Isle]

Thank you all for your responses!

I will take what you all have said and help my friend along her journey!

I didn't realize all that goes into it, and what would be in the classes, and I don't think my friend realizes what is all involved either.

She is very sensitive, so I will do my best to encourage her along the way.

Thanks again!!