MegP Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 How do you get your older children (pre teens) to take initiative? Mine will happily do their chores when I tell them to, but they don't always clean up their messes in the kitchen, and don't just NOTICE what needs to be done and do it. How do you get them to do this? Do you give consequences if they don't put ALL their dishes in the dishwasher, forget to do their laundry, or leave their desk a mess? Do you have to remind them to shower, clean up their room? My friend told me that if she has to remind her kids to do something that they know that they should do, she gives them a consequence. Do others do this also? I am not sure why it is underlining or how to fix this, sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 anyone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailofsparks Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 If my dc don't rinse and stack their dishes, for example, the consequence is I call them to do it when they are in the middle of doing something, which of course no one likes :D. I have purposed to be more vigilant and call them into account for their (selfish) actions. I don't berate them or nag them....I have them do the thing they didn't do when they should have and I remind them of 2 things at that moment: It would have been more convenient if they'd done it immediately and it is what dh and I expect of them. That's it. It is training that's needed - consistency over a long period of time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 It's an interesting question. I had this difficulty with my husband to some extent (not bashing) and after several discussions (and years of irritation, lol) I realized it's just the way he thinks. He is a very linear thinker, sees one task, completes it, moves on. I am (and I think most women are) a cloud thinker; I can see all the tasks, sort of in a visual organizer way, and fit them together by priority, symbiotic natures, etc. I don't think either way is "better". They both have their advantages. What I'm trying to say is that what I took as lack of initiative turned out to be more of a difference in thinking process. We worked on it together and he's developed a sort of mental checklist that helps him "see" more of the stuff and pick them off. I have learned to see less of the stuff and focus on one thing at a time without being overwhelmed by the big picture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Thanks...so no, I should not give consequences? Just interrupt their free time and make them come back and do it? And that will work? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Thanks...so no, I should not give consequences? Just interrupt their free time and make them come back and do it? And that will work? The consequence is that their free time is interrupted. And you'll probably have to do it multiple times. It will only "work" if you are consistent in what you require of them. Every.single.time they trash the kitchen and walk away, you must go after them. Some children will figure it out; some won't. You're still going to have to stay after them. And it has nothing to do with "initiative." That would be their deciding to cut the grass or wash the car. Cleaning up after themselves is just plain decent behavior, and it must be taught and retaught and modeled... Miss Manners says it takes 18 years of constant nagging to rear a well-mannered adult. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Yes, I do that now. When I see that someone has left a mess, I immediately go and get that child and make him or her clean it up. But it does not seem to change the behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 What about showering and other daily tasks? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) Yes, I do that now. When I see that someone has left a mess, I immediately go and get that child and make him or her clean it up. But it does not seem to change the behavior. I imagine their thought process is: "Yes, well, now I have to run and complete this task even though I'm in the middle of something BUT I knew I'd have to do it eventually, and I still got to put it off longer." It's not enough of a consequence -in their eyes- to merit a change in their behavior. They sound like good kids, who aren't trying to GET OUT of something; they're just trying -and succeeding- in putting it off indefinitely. Like me and my dishes. I know I have to do it eventually, right? But I don't have to do it right this second ... we have enough to get us through lunch ... so I put it off, read a book, start a craft project, get the kids lunch, ... dishes haven't spontaneously washed themselves, so they're still waiting ... afternoon snack rolls around and the kids notify me that they're short a plate and are using napkins instead ... I'm still tooling around doing a craft project, but I stop when they tell me this, and tend immediately to the dishes. After all, dinner is in an hour or so. I'm not upset that I have to do the dishes at that point; I was never trying to get out of doing them, I just wanted to put it off until the last possible minute. Which I was able to do, and still get the dishes done. To sum, some of us are ants and some of us are more like the grasshoppers LOL. I'm not sure you can change someone's core personality, but I do know one can be taught to act like an ant when it's prudent to - whilst remaining a grasshopper at heart. I see this type of initiative as being more along the lines of realizing we need to adapt and exist beyond our preferences - specifically, identifying when it's necessary and learning how to do so. And truthfully, that's a case-by-case thing moreso than a person-to-person thing. What's relevant to you won't be to me, and vice versa. That will influence when we're acting as ant, and when we're being our true grasshopper-selves. We each have our hills, so to speak. Consequences? That depends on whether the lack of initiative causes an inconvenience to others. If no (other than me having to remind them), then I leave it be. If the kids are happy enough to stop upon your reminder and complete the task, ... well, I'm good with that. I may make them write out a responsibility list or something and go by that for awhile, but I tend to not keep up with that stuff. Along those lines, I may "baby" them a bit and question them more often as a natural consequence: "Mom, may we go outside a play?" -"Well, is the kitchen clean? Have you picked up your schoolwork?" They find it annoying, and a bit insulting, but if they're not assuming responsibility for themselves then what choice have they left me? They understand that when I explain it to them. They also come to realize that if they had just done it to begin with, they'd be outside already. Why? Because I always seem to find things to add! It never lasts long, but I'm happy enough that the realization phase exists at all LOL. If the lack of initiative inconveniences others, that's different. If their lack of showering when asked to means there is less water for someone else, or it cuts into someone else's routine ... well, that's not okay. That's a time, if not the only, to remember that we adapt and exist beyond ourselves. There's a whole host of creative ways to handle that, but this post has gone on embarassingly too long as it is :blush: Edited April 13, 2012 by eternalknot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 It's an interesting question. I had this difficulty with my husband to some extent (not bashing) and after several discussions (and years of irritation, lol) I realized it's just the way he thinks. He is a very linear thinker, sees one task, completes it, moves on. I am (and I think most women are) a cloud thinker; I can see all the tasks, sort of in a visual organizer way, and fit them together by priority, symbiotic natures, etc. I don't think either way is "better". They both have their advantages. What I'm trying to say is that what I took as lack of initiative turned out to be more of a difference in thinking process. We worked on it together and he's developed a sort of mental checklist that helps him "see" more of the stuff and pick them off. I have learned to see less of the stuff and focus on one thing at a time without being overwhelmed by the big picture. I came to this conclusion too. My dd is great about doing what needs to be done, but she always has been. My boys are one task at a time people too, so I have to set a time in the evening where everyone cleans up. It is just a different way of thinking, and they do a great job when cleaning is the task at hand, but they do not think about picking stuff up all day. We have a set time for showers too, and for school too. Everything has a time slot, and they are happy and get everything done without being told as long as we follow the schedule. One day they will need wives who make the plans and tell them when to show up, which is very much like my dh and my dad lol. My dd will be the planner who juggles a 100 things at once like me. One day they will find those that compliment them. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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