Slipper Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I have three daughters, but for the purpose of this discussion, only focusing on two - DD10 and DD7 (just turned 7). DD10 was identified as gifted through PS. As a general rule, DD10 succeeds at just about everything she does. I'm proud of her, but I find myself down-playing a bit her accomplishments because there are a lot of them. Even her PS teacher is in awe of her and has told me numerous times that she has never taught a child like DD10. (DD10 also has Celiac Disease which leads to follow up comments about how amazing it is that she can accomplish so much in spite of having a disease.) The students in her class look to her to solve disputes and follow her lead/suggestions for academics. Meanwhile, DD7 finds herself in the shadows quite a bit. They are both in Children's Theatre - DD7 was with a group of kids, DD10 had a part. They both took karate, DD7 dropped out when DD10 passed her yellow belt. They both love soccer but are on separate teams. DD10 has a lot of certificates, trophies, ribbons, etc. DD7 doesn't have as many simply because she isn't as old. To make matters worse, my sister asked if I would let DD10 come live with her and go to a school for gifted kids (and of course I said no but DD7 heard many of the conversations). (My sister is in awe of DD10). I want ideas on how to help DD7 be her own person. At this point, she doesn't want to try any new activities. The shame of it is that DD7 is very bright and would probably be identified as gifted herself if she were attending PS. We live in a small community and extra-curriculars are not easy to come by. Should I force her into some new activities (without DD10) and see if that helps? If I ask what she is interested in, she will give me things, but then change her mind a week later. She loved karate until DD10 joined and passed her. Academically, she is on target or a bit ahead - she just finished The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and loves reading. We're working on double digit addition/subtraction and are about to introduce carrying/borrowing. She enjoys her other subjects and is easy to work with. She's a great person in her own way, but people don't seem to notice her because they are too busy staring at DD10. Suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanikit Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 I actually had the same problem growing up with an older sister who was known as the gifted one (and was also accepted at a gifted school overseas at a time we were also aware of what was going on - she was not allowed to go in the end as it was too far to send her) I was also gifted but she was older and therefore also more advanced in many things than I was. We had the same age gap as your children have. Your younger DD is only 7 years old and 7 year olds can change their minds a lot - if you think an activity definitely suits her personality and will be good for her perhaps get her to commit to do it for a certain length of time - and yes, choose something that the older DD has not done or will not do. Your girls may also need something they can work on together and probably without you or any other adult as that way they are working together instead of competing against each other and also they will sort themselves out so that they each have a part to do that will be important - if your 7 year old can see that she is needed by the 10 year old that will also help immensely. Finally as parents be very careful about constantly commenting on the older one's "giftedness" - yes she should have her achievements talked about and encouraged, but life is not just about achievements and performances - having a happy smile or being polite should provide just as much of an enthusiastic response from the people around the 7 year old and her achievements should also be encouraged and raved about. It is less important what others say than it was what you as parents do and say - both your children must feel loved and appreciated by their parents firstly and only later by others. If she is not in the shadows with you then she will feel less in the shadows with others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Separate activities really helped here. My two boys are 4 years apart, but younger DS always felt like he was in the older one's shadow. Having them do different things really helped and where they were both in the same activity, we worked hard to make sure each boy was recognized by us for their own accomplishments. Spending one-on-one time with my younger boy also helped with the rivalry phase.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2smartones Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 Yep... separate activities! Both can't shine in the same light, because both will shadow the other. They can shine in their own lights, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted February 9, 2012 Share Posted February 9, 2012 If the gifted identification is an issue, you can have your younger one do a talent search in 2nd or 3rd grade like CTY or C-MITES. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slipper Posted February 9, 2012 Author Share Posted February 9, 2012 Thanks for the suggestions. I really want to push her into piano and she is lukewarm about it. She wanted to do it but then changed her mind. We have relatives who live an hour away. My FIL is a very accomplished piano player and so is his mother (DH's grandmother). They own a piano store and so we have a piano in our living room. DH's grandmother (who turns 87 next week) just put out her second cd for piano music. FIL and Grandmother both give professional lessons but of course, wouldn't charge us for lessons. I'm hoping there is some natural talent for DD7 which would encourage her further. I want to do art lessons (other than what MIL does for both girls) but I would have to include DD10 in whatever we do as she is gifted in art work. MIL and her Mother (DH's other grandmother) were both artists. MIL does beautiful paintings but they are/were (Grandmother passed away last year) both known for their sculptures. MIL currently comes to our home twice a month specifically for art lessons. (Her other visits typically include really cool projects as well). I really don't care about whether DD7 is identified as gifted as it doesn't really change anything. We work to her level. Thank you for the suggestion though. If things change, it's good to have the information. Keep posting with suggestions - I really appreciate your help. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spetzi Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 We have been there (and still are there on some days!) I made sure that my younger one had her own activities, even though it was inconvenient. Many people would suggest that I enroll her in a group w/older sib, but I wouldn't let it happen. One thing that really helped my dd was Mommy dates. In addition to giving dc their own place to shine, just spending that one-on-one time w/my dd truly helped to build her up and helped her work through her feelings of not measuring up to ds. I wish I had a fantastic idea that would make this issue go away, but it did get better for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 My boys are two years apart. I had each pick an instrument to study...I was very glad they picked different instruments because I did not want them doing the same. I wanted them to have something of their own especially for my younger ds. They play different sports. They started initially doing the same things because it was easier for me as a parent to only go in one direction but as they have gotten older, their individual personalities and likes have been easier to accommodate. When schooling them, I tended to use different curriculum for some subjects. I didn't do it on purpose at first. It just seemed that they were different learners and different things worked. With subjects I combined them on like science and history, I did cooperative projects and experiments with them so they would have to work together. I also instituted a "only answer if I ask you" policy because my oldest would blurt out answers to questions without giving his brother time to respond. We celebrate each of the kids' strengths. We tend to comment more on hard work, determination, etc...rather than God-given talents or skills. We praise them for how they are using/honing their talents and skills rather than just the fact that they have them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Another vote for separate activities. If they discover separate strength areas, it will make your life considerably easier. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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