Feedback please

[Embassy]

My son wrote this recently. This is the final draft. What feedback would you give your child if your child wrote this? What approximate grade level does this look like?

 

Do you litter? I don't. Littering is bad for the environment and you! So why litter? I don't see any reason why you should!

 

If you just dump garbage everywhere, it will be all over the place. Golf balls take 100 to 1000 years to decompose, wow! Also, litter can cause water pollution. Instead, put your garbage in garbage cans or recycle if you can. So why litter if you can put it where it belongs?

 

If you litter, it can kill some animals. If you dump garbage in the ocean, a leatherback sea turtle might mistake it for a jelly fish and eat it. Parts of cigarettes have been found in the stomachs of birds, fish, and whales. Some other animals might try to eat it too. So you can see, litter is very dangerous to animals.

 

Littering is also against the law. You can get a fine ranging from $100 to $1000. It depends on how much litter is already there and where you are. In some places there are signs that remind you to not litter. I think it's better if you don't litter.

 

 

So now do you think it's right to litter? It pollutes the environment, it kills animals, and you have to pay a lot of money if you do! There are no reasons to litter. There should be no littering at all! So, agree with me and don't litter.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Wehomeschool

[Embassy]

Anyone? :bigear: It is helpful to have other perspectives :)

[RegularMom]

I'll take a stab at it, although I'm muddling through my own beginnings evaulating children's writing.

 

This piece reminds me a great deal of my own dd11's recent essay about protecting the environment. The arrangement looks pretty good: he has an introductory paragraph, a few body paragraphs and a conclusion that are clearly defined. His premise and thought process seems to be the following:

 

People should stop littering

Littering is bad for the environment.

Garbage takes a long time to decompose.

Litter is contributing to animal illness and death.

Thus littering should be stopped at all costs.

 

He's got all that in there, yes, but he only gives us a few detailed examples, and frequently restates his opinion that one should not litter, and this is often staged as a question to the reader. Again, this reminds me very much of the writing my dd11 did last week. His spelling and grammar seem quite good, although I'm not sure how much of that was corrected from the first draft to the final.

 

My guess would be that this writing is something you'd find in a fourth grade age range? Definitely a good decent effort. I'd praise the work, touch only briefly on content development issues and move on. That's what I'm doing with my 11yo. I'd rather have her continue writing happily than worry about content issues at this age. I think (well, I hope, really) maturation of content comes with time and maturation of the child.

 

Again, I'm new at this kind of evaluation. I can spend hours workshopping comtemporary poetry with my peers, but children's essays are a whole new ball game.

 

HTH.

Edited January 10, 2012 by RegularMom

[Embassy]

I'll take a stab at it, although I'm muddling through my own beginnings evaulating children's writing.

 

This piece reminds me a great deal of my own dd11's recent essay about protecting the environment. The arrangement looks pretty good: he has an introductory paragraph, a few body paragraphs and a conclusion that are clearly defined. His premise and thought process seems to be the following:

 

People should stop littering

Littering is bad for the environment.

Garbage takes a long time to decompose.

Litter is contributing to animal illness and death.

Thus littering should be stopped at all costs.

 

He's got all that in there, yes, but he only gives us a few detailed examples, and frequently restates his opinion that one should not litter, and this is often staged as a question to the reader. Again, this reminds me very much of the writing my dd11 did last week. His spelling and grammar seem quite good, although I'm not sure how much of that was corrected from the first draft to the final.

 

My guess would be that this writing is something you'd find in a fourth grade age range? Definitely a good decent effort. I'd praise the work, touch only briefly on content development issues and move on. That's what I'm doing with my 11yo. I'd rather have her continue writing happily than worry about content issues at this age. I think (well, I hope, really) maturation of content comes with time and maturation of the child.

 

Again, I'm new at this kind of evaluation. I can spend hours workshopping comtemporary poetry with my peers, but children's essays are a whole new ball game.

 

HTH.

 

Thanks so much! Your thoughts are helpful. It is pretty much as he wrote it. I didn't see it until the final copy when I had him make a couple comma changes.

[misidawnrn]

I hope I am not way off base. I am answering unbias by not reading any other answers before hand. I would say this is at least 4th grade if not higher. I just finished my Bachelor's degree in nursing and it is better than some of those students! I don't know about a grade for it as far as grading goes. I will pass on that.

OK, off to read other answers.

[Pen]

My son wrote this recently. This is the final draft. What feedback would you give your child if your child wrote this? What approximate grade level does this look like?

 

1) I think it is excellent. Perhaps especially so b/c I agree with the premise :001_smile:

I would guess the child who wrote this to be somewhere around 12 years old. How much you would edit and suggest would I think depend a lot on how old the child actually is, how experienced in writing, and how he tends to react to suggestions. If in doubt I think less is better than more, but editing can be very helpful in learning process.

 

Feedback/ editing suggestions I'd give if the child were at an age and stage for them would be to cut out certain parts which I think would make what remains stronger. And I'd suggest moving some parts around. And asking for some extra examples, perhaps. I'll try doing what I think might be done below:

 

Do you litter? I don't. Littering is bad for the environment and you!

 

If you just dump garbage everywhere, it will be all over the place [for a very long time]. Golf balls take 100 to 1000 years to decompose, wow! [another example, such as plastic perhaps?]

 

Also, litter can cause water pollution. [a couple of examples of litter in water problems--other than the animals eating it]

 

[both in the water and out, litter can be very dangerous to animals. ] If you dump garbage in the ocean, a leatherback sea turtle might mistake it for a jelly fish and eat it. Parts of cigarettes have been found in the stomachs of birds, fish, and whales. Some other animals might try to eat litter too. So you can see, litter is very dangerous to animals.

 

Put your garbage in garbage cans or recycle if you can.

 

[other things that might be bad about litter? unpleasant for people to be with it compared to beauty without it? or?]

 

Littering is also against the law. You can get a fine ranging from $100 to $1000.

 

 

[There are many excellent reasons not to litter.] It pollutes the environment, it kills animals, and you may have to pay a lot of money if you do! There are no good reasons to litter. [convenience of not bothering to go to a proper receptacle could be a reason that perhaps should be refuted?]

 

There should be no littering at all! So, [join] with me and don't litter. [Let's make our world a better place.]