How would you handle this church situation? Strong Christian content

[PineFarmMom]

We have been helping in a church start-up. When it began, I was the only other person on a team with a person we'll call IP. This particular ministry is an area I have past experience and IP has none. As time went on, evidence started mounting in many, many ways that IP was a "baby" Christian, and very much lacked the ability to be a team-player in a situation with anyone. I was allowed no opinions, no say, nothing but entire submission to the will of IP in this particular ministry. IP really wanted to have the ministry but not work at it, so mediocrity was the name of the game. As time went on, it was clear to the pastor and many involved through IP's angry, confrontational behavior that things must be done IP's way or it was wrong. IP was part of some other ministries where IP laid out the rules for everyone to follow. Gossip began, irritations flared, etc. One particular instance I redirected people from their fury at IP. It turned into a peaceful situation and all was well. As time has gone on, though, there have been a series of fires having to be put out and frustrations to be eased. IP seems to bring this out in people at times, while at other times being charming and loveable.

 

When this all started, initially, I recognized the problem quickly, but the pastor continually made excuses for IP, saying that IP was just fine. I began to pray that God would direct me to bring peace and how to handle IP, that the truth would come out and more would see. I did everything I could think of to bring peace, make us a team rather than a dictatorship, build some type of relationship with IP, and push through to where I felt God was wanting this particular ministry. One of my big problems, though, is that I can turn wimpy. I so want peace that I won't have the backbone needed. Anyway, my wimpiness mixed with IP's insecurity problems and controlling personality were just a bad mixture. I wound up basically backing out of the team since changes couldn't be made.

 

Finally the pastor had a confrontation with IP where even he knew that IP was a problem waiting to happen. IP also made a scene in church so that others saw this problem for how bad it is. IP was basically pushed to the side, and I was given control of this ministry. IP left for a while in anger. It is appearing that IP is coming back. IP has had hurt feelings, and from what I understand, feels that I am to blame for this. I'm frustrated and don't know how to handle this person's presence. "I" feel I am not to blame other than not standing up to IP more firmly in the beginning. This particular ministry is now flourishing without IP's hand on it, and I think that has caused frustration and anger also...there are others on this team now and it's not all about one person dictating but it is more than one mind working together for the best interest of the ministry, seeking God's will for the ministry.

 

I've prayed about reaching out an olive branch to try to bring peace, but I just don't know if I'd be encouraging that type of behavior further. I don't know how to handle IP in a Christlike manner now. I see IP's behavior as coming from someone who has been hurt, an insecure person who definitely needs people who love them but for whatever reason is unwilling to be humble and submissive in any form. HOW do you hug a porcupine?? I think that's my question. I just know I'm gonna get quilled if I try. I'd love wisdom. I know someone is going to say something that will be a lightbulb in my head. :001_smile:

 

T

[Laurie4b]

Well, sometimes a hug is not the loving thing to do. IP's behavior is the kind of "yeast" that can spoil the whole loaf. Yes, s/he needs to be loved, but that love may not mean warm fuzzies but firm limits. Hebrews 12: 14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. " You will need to redefine your desire to "live in peace" to include seeing to it that no bitter root grows up. IP has been a bitter root. Living in peace means containing that.

 

I would go to the pastor and ask him to mentor you in your leadership role. You are now leading a ministry and are responsible for both the ministry and the other volunteers. You do well in some aspects of leadership, but feel unequipped to set firm boundaries with IP. You might ask the pastor questions such as whether he believes IP is repentant or resentful. (Bitter root). Together, you and your pastor can decide to what extent you are equipped to be the one to hold IP accountable, or whether it would better be done by the pastor, an elder, etc. You can make a plan with the pastor ahead of time for how you will handle the things IP is known for. (PRov. says, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so does a fool to his folly. IP will likely return to old ways, even if repentant. Most of us don't change our behavior immediately, but improve over time.) So this means you can have a plan ahead of time for when IP won't let others have an opinion, etc. Planning ahead of time means you won't be caught like "deer in the headlights." You'll have a wise and loving plan in place.

 

If you approach it with your pastor as needing mentoring as a leader, and submit to the suggestions made, you will have the pastor's protection or "covering" if you need to handle IP with firmness.

 

You can also include as part of your plan, "offline" love toward IP, inviting for a meal, etc. Pray for him/her, asking God for insight as to how you can best show love.

 

But love must be strong not wimpy when a bitter root is threatening a ministry.

[Adrianne]

One of my big problems, though, is that I can turn wimpy. I so want peace that I won't have the backbone needed. Anyway, my wimpiness mixed with IP's insecurity problems and controlling personality were just a bad mixture. I wound up basically backing out of the team since changes couldn't be made.

I know how you feel! I am the same way. I do not like angry confrontation and will wimp out easily. (even if I know I am right)

 

It is appearing that IP is coming back. IP has had hurt feelings, and from what I understand, feels that I am to blame for this. I'm frustrated and don't know how to handle this person's presence.

 

It is sooo easy to blame someone else rather than work on our own problems. Sounds like IP does a lot of this.

 

 

"I" feel I am not to blame other than not standing up to IP more firmly in the beginning. This particular ministry is now flourishing without IP's hand on it, and I think that has caused frustration and anger also...there are others on this team now and it's not all about one person dictating but it is more than one mind working together for the best interest of the ministry, seeking God's will for the ministry.

 

NO no! Do not feel that it is your fault. People like IP love to blame others instead of looking inward for the problems. (I think sometimes we all do this) Obviously the ministry is growing and God is working if you can see the fruits of the Spirit.

 

I've prayed about reaching out an olive branch to try to bring peace, but I just don't know if I'd be encouraging that type of behavior further. I don't know how to handle IP in a Christlike manner now. I see IP's behavior as coming from someone who has been hurt, an insecure person who definitely needs people who love them but for whatever reason is unwilling to be humble and submissive in any form. HOW do you hug a porcupine?? I think that's my question.

 

I would just keep doing what you are doing. God is working, he always is in these situations, and things will work out. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your distance from this person. I would keep a distance from IP and act cordially to him/her when needed. But the Bible says we must forgive 70 x 7 so there is no way around that. You need to try to forgive and move on for your own sake if not for IP.

 

Once you move past this, their presence will not bother you anymore.

 

You are in a difficult situation and I commend you for trying to work this out peacefully. These situations can be sooooo hard. Just remember God is at work!

[Dawn E]

Does this happen to be the worship ministry? If so, this is one area in the church where ego comes greatly into play. Talented people are often put into positions that they are not spiritually prepared for.

 

Guard against a passive relationship with this fellow Christian. It's my nature as well to be a peacemaker. Unfortunately, too often, I do a good job of never really addressing the issue. You are now a leader. If this person is a baby Christian, then you have an opportunity to encourage new growth in them. Most definitely you should offer an olive branch, but as the leader of this part of the ministry now, you also have the place to set ground rules regarding behavior. I would suggest inviting IP to coffee. If he/she is receptive to your invitation, be direct at your meeting. Express the problem but also let IP know that you value his/her input and would like them to participate in the ministry. Also, though, use scripture to express your concerns regarding past behavior and why this must change in the future.

 

Most importantly: PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. IP needs it, and you do as well to find God's wisdom in how to deal with this situation.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I've prayed about reaching out an olive branch to try to bring peace, but I just don't know if I'd be encouraging that type of behavior further. I don't know how to handle IP in a Christlike manner now. I see IP's behavior as coming from someone who has been hurt, an insecure person who definitely needs people who love them but for whatever reason is unwilling to be humble and submissive in any form. HOW do you hug a porcupine?? I think that's my question. I just know I'm gonna get quilled if I try. I'd love wisdom. I know someone is going to say something that will be a lightbulb in my head. :001_smile:

 

T

 

You can love someone with the love of Christ and not be close friends with them. It's okay. I love that you want to reach out to this difficult person, but, sometimes a close relationship isn't possible.

 

WWJD? "I" think, fwiw, that he would expect you to be friendly, kind, and careful. This person, from what you've written, seems to have a problem with control and insecurity. Only Christ can change that. You won't be able to. But, you can pray with IP. You can pray for opportunities to show IP the love of Christ. You can encourage others to do the same if they start up with their "concerns" masked with maybe a little gossip. But, you don't have to encourage IP to become part of any ministry.

 

If IP decides to treat you in an unfair way because of the past, refer it to your pastor and let him deal with it because he is the shepherd of your church. Just do your thing. Let God take care of IP. :grouphug:

[6packofun]

is that people believe that ministries are THEIRS to start, develop, and lead.

 

Nuh uh!! Every ministry of the church is GOD'S and we are just joining Him in HIS work. We are all subordinate to whatever it is God wants to accomplish in each unique family of believers and community.

 

When we start to look at it this way, I believe that egos will finally take a backseat and we will begin to see how equally needed all members of the body are to make GOD'S ministries work. He only enables us as He sees fit anyhow!

 

Perhaps your church could begin a Spiritual Gifts-Led Ministry series or study? We've found this tremendously helpful in seeing the worth of ALL work for the Lord, especially as it relates to individuals' unique giftings by God. Good stuff!

 

I think one of the most helpful things is for everyone to remove the phrase "MY ministry" from their vocabulary. I'm not saying that you say this; contrarily, it seems like you have the right vision, which is to long for God's vision for whatever ministry He puts in place. Words are powerful things and I think that's where the church gets into the most trouble!

 

Pray about whether or not to even confront or speak to this IP person again. Many times we win others over with our attitudes, service and example.

[Harriet Vane]

If you do not think you can set boundaries with IP and manage that person proactively and firmly, you need to either:

 

--Not allow IP on this ministry team. This may be the way to go anyway if the rest of the team prefers. It is not wise to compromise everything for the sake of one person. And it may be that this, very firm boundary (not being a part of the team) is what IP needs.

 

--Get an accountability partner to monitor IP. That person would either deal with you or deal directly with IP. If that person deals with you, you would need to give weekly reports and make commitments to hold to certain boundaries with IP. You would also need to have an agreement on what behavior of IP's warrants being off the team again. If this person deals directly with IP, then IP needs to know that that person will be hearing from YOU as well. This can be done lovingly, as a discipleship endeavor.

 

Either way, honesty and openness about the problem in a non-judgmental way is best.

[Karenciavo]

The first thing I would do is pray that God would show me any areas where I needed to repent and that God would soften my heart toward IP. Maybe IP has repented, but your post indicates that you think not. Why? The pastor or an elder should be an intermediator to help bring healing to this relationship, if not I would bring someone whom you respect with you to meet with this person to work it out. I hope the leadership of the church does not plan to let IP head up any ministries for the time being. In any case, you handle this person's presence in a Godly manner no matter what he/she does. You can only control your own behavior. Keep it in prayer. :)

 

Karen

[PineFarmMom]

Maybe IP has repented, but your post indicates that you think not. Why? :)

 

Karen

 

This person's response upon returning to church was that of making no eye contact or response to myself, not speaking to anyone, and it has been said by a person in leadership that IP is speaking badly about how wrongly IP was treated at our church. There was no poor handling, other than the fact that leadership should have stopped the behavior way before it was stopped. It was allowed to grow and grow, giving IP more and more control. :confused:

 

From viewing the whole thing, I believe that this person has come back into the body full of resentment. I believe I have forgiven and I've prayed through this until my head has spun, so I believe any of my own issues have been given to the Lord. This person brings tension and turmoil without saying a word.

 

From what I've read from you and others, I believe I'm going to pray continually and from a distance for this person and Christ's work in their life, continue being a part of the ministry I'm in while allowing God to lead, and make sure I set boundaries with this person, learning the lesson I know I was meant to learn through the process...not to be such a wimp, that there is no fear when I'm following God's leadership!!

 

Thank you all for your responses. I thoroughly dislike this type of thing and wish that ministry and church could be kumbaya from beginning to end, but then that would probably mean Christ wasn't discipling me. :lol:

T

[Adrianne]

 

Thank you all for your responses. I thoroughly dislike this type of thing and wish that ministry and church could be kumbaya from beginning to end, but then that would probably mean Christ wasn't discipling me. :lol:

T

 

 

Isn't that the truth! I have also learned in my Christian walk that sometimes I think I can see God's will and then when all is said and the results were quite different and I was very mistaken.

[Donnado]

As a church planter's wife, I want you to know that there are many IP's in the "church". We are called to be the body and yet so often the hand has a major handicap. I also hear your heart to be a team player and please God in the ministry He has equipped you to do. Unfortunatly, God does not guarantee when we serve that it will be without hardships. Many times he uses these situations that we think are our service for others to build in our own lives. This was a eye opener for me. I will be praying for you. :)