Giving advice without being critical

[PIE!]

I’ve got a criticism problem. Especially with dh. I always thought I was just giving good (unsolicited) advice, but this past year I realized I was being a nag and not very fun to be around. So I’ve been working very hard at just letting people (especially dh) be who they are without putting my two cents in.

 

I’m not perfect, but things have been much better since I learned to keep my mouth shut.

 

But – what do I do if I see someone is truly frustrated and I know a simple way to fix it? How do I (or do I) convey this without sounding like I’m attacking them?

 

Here’s the situation. We expect our kids to obey us. I noticed a while back that their acceptable timeframe for obedience was very different from ours. So to put us on the same page, when I ask a child to do something and they don’t at least acknowledge that I asked, I start counting backwards from five. I do this calmly – about one number per second. If I get to one with no response there will be a consequence. The kids know this. They obey me at least 9 times out of 10 with no yelling or anger involved.

 

Dh used to do this to. But he seems to have forgotten how. Now when he asks a child to do something he’ll start yelling numbers. Each number is louder than the last. He slows down between numbers to give them more time. And when he gets to 2, he stops, yells at them about what they are supposed to be doing, then starts over. He becomes angrier and angrier, and louder and louder, while the kids have learned that they can ignore him for a very long time before there are any consequences.

 

He is frustrated that they don’t listen to him. Nobody likes the yelling. I don’t want to become a critical wife again – but if he knew why the kids ignored him and fixed it our home could become a much happier place.

 

He has not asked for my opinion. Can I help him out here without being a nag? Or do I just step back and hope he figures it out?

[goldberry]

:grouphug: because I have a criticism problem too. Ugh.

 

What I have learned to do is to say it like it has never been discussed before (even though it has been discussed FIVE THOUSAND TIMES). This is incredibly difficult for me, but DH responds 100% better. Mostly he responds as if he also has never heard it before (which I think he actually believes) and will say, "hmm, maybe so!"

 

In your case, I would comment in a totally neutral voice, "ya know, I figured out that when I say the numbers like (blah blah) instead of like (blah blah) the kids seem to respond better" Give an example instead of saying "when I say them calmly instead of yelling" because that implies a judgement.

 

So, to sum up, I say it like it is something completely new instead of me "reminding" him or "nagging" him. The casualness and totally neutral voice tone are key!

 

Good luck...:001_smile:

[Friederike in Persia]

If you do it with the right attitude and in a good tone you should be alright to sometimes say something (and it sounds like you'll manage both with thinking so much about it beforehand). After all, you're raising your children together and both of you will make mistakes.

[angela in ohio]

To me, it's all about quantity. If I am careful not to nag most of the time, when I do see a real issue and bring it up, he actually listens. Because he knows I have his back and think he's great, when I make a suggestion, it comes across differently than when a dh thinks his wife just wants to change him all the time (because of constant nagging.) I notice he does the same with me, and I respond the same way. Same with dc. :D No one likes to be nagged and feel like they are wrong all the time, and if you establish a positive relationship (which is difficult , but really worth it,) you are heard when it counts.

 

I would sit down with dh and come up with a new plan, but don't go into it thinking he should do it your way. Start fresh and talk it through as equals and come up with a solution you both like.

[Laurie4b]

You can also "wonder": "I wonder if it would work for you if you counted quietly without reminding them, but then gave them a consequence when you get to 1"

 

Another technique is to empathize: "Don't you hate it when they don't do what you are asking and you have to give them a consequence?" (because his reminding, etc, and yelling is to avoid the consequence giving) I hate it too, although I've found that once I get to "1" and give a consequence, I don't have to do it again for a long time."

[PIE!]

Thanks for all the ideas. It really does help!

[rwjx2khsmj]

Another thing I've learned when making a helpful suggestion to my dh is to time it well. If I give him a suggestion on how to parent the children when he is trying to parent them, he views it as undermining his authority. Even bringing it up a few minutes later would not help. However, if I pick a time when we are talking and things are going well, he is much more likely to hear and appreciate my point of view.

 

Saying "May I offer a suggestion?" also works really well with my dh. If he gives me permission to share with him about a certain behavior/situation then it's not nagging.

Edited December 19, 2011 by rwjx2khsmj