Your best strategies for dealing with a DC's rude and nasty behavior?

[BrookValley.]

Specifically, nasty attitude and general rudeness from a young child. :confused: My sweet 4-year old son has been bodysnatched by some horribly rude little critter, and I'm not handling it all that well. He is rude, demanding, and can be downright nasty. My lack of patience is my problem, not his, and I know I really need to work on that. But I feel like I could much better work on myself if I at least thought I was moving in the right direction with teaching him to be polite and respectful. I know that he is at an age where he just doesn't really care all that much if his words are hurtful to others, but the knowledge that it is developmentally appropriate really isn't helping me all that much right now. I am losing patience and yelling, which a) isn't helping him learn polite and respectful behavior, as in those moments I'm certainly not modeling it and b) just makes me feel like crap, because it isn't the way I want to parent.

 

So, I'd be ever so appreciative if y'all would spam me with your advice, favorite tips & suggestions, links and/or books you've liked, etc. Anything. It's really important to me to raise a person who is respectful of others, and while I know he's young and doesn't "get" a lot of things right now, I think I just need to hear some effective and gentle ways to respond to him when he's screaming at me and beating me up with words. I try to give simple, concise explanations that whatever he is saying and/or doing at the moment is hurtful, and no one likes to be treated in a way that is hurtful/makes them sad, etc., but I feel like I've been a broken record and none of it is getting through. And then I lose patience. So right now I feel like I'm often just being nasty in return, and the last thing I want to do is become belittling or demeaning.

 

I understand that I might just need to be patient, keep modeling the behavior I want to see, and basically wait this through--that the fact that my 4-year old is behaving this way now in no way means that he's going to grow up to be some horribly nasty person--but I am having a hard time nonetheless. However, feel free to tell me to get over myself, be patient, and deal. I might need to hear that, too. :D

 

Thanks! :)

[jillian]

My most 4 yr old girl is acting the same way. She's making me nuts. We do lots of time out. I also am trying to let her know if she is experiencing frustration that she can go upstairs and punch a pillow or a stuffed animal. I also encourage her to use her words to tell me what's wrong. I too struggle with patience.

 

Eta: I also make her repeat something nicely if she uses rude words.

[chicagomom]

I am going through the same thing with my 4 year old. We do timeouts (a lot of them), and i take away his favorite things(his ds, dessert, halloween candy for the day, favorite trains or other toys) for a day.

I think it is just the age, but crazy thing is that i didn't go through any of this with my 2 older children.

[Rivka]

Oh yeah, four years old was awful like this. If I had to pick one word, I'd say "provocative." It was so obvious that she was pushing our buttons on purpose.

 

I did a lot of walking out of the room. Any kind of reaction seemed to please her, so I'd leave.

[Lilducklings]

My youngest was like that just recently. At first it was really rough, because I would lose my patience and start yelling too. Then I found a book (forgot the name, but its around here somewhere so I'll look into it) that really helped me control my temper which was a big step. When she started mouthing off, first I would put her in the corner with some quiet toys and her blankie. When she was ready to say sorry, she could get out of the corner. If she threw a fit while in the corner, I would take away the toy. If she did it again, I would take away the blankie. If she continued, she would go into the back yard to blow off some steam. It took a while but it really paid off. Good luck!

[Hockey Mom]

Time Out does work. Even now, I had to give my 8 y/o a time out for being hateful to me and his brother. It's been a while for him, and he was shocked when I made him sit on the hall step and serve his time. Did the trick though. When he was four though, I recall days when the timer was sent several times because he wouldn't stay in Time Out for the full 4 minutes.

 

I have found though, that my boys tend to pick up on MY attitude and that's when we're dealing with the disrespect and attitude the most. So I try, very hard, to maintain a cheerful disposition. Huh...just typing this made me realize that I was brooding about having to shell out $500 for a car repair when DS had his meltdown today....

[BrookValley.]

Well, it is good to know that I am not alone! :)

 

I will add that we do have a "no response" policy to rudely phrased requests or comments. If I'm spoken to rudely, I will matter-of-factly say that I don't respond when people speak to me that way, but I will respond when the question/comment can be re-phrased politely. This has been helpful, but is usually more appropriate when, say, my DS is asking for something. If he's just yelling at me that he doesn't like me and wishes I would go away and not come back, well, he can yell like that all day and nothing I say is gonna stop him if he's on a roll. :001_huh:

 

I don't do "time-out," per se, but if he is behaving rudely or yelling or otherwise being obnoxious, I will tell him to walk away and go somewhere else until he is ready to join me/us in whatever we are currently doing. Basically, I won't have him standing in my face screaming and being nasty, so he needs to go away from me if he can't get it under control. I really try to use a consequence logical for his actions--if he's being nasty, no one wants to be around him, so he needs to go be by himself until he can get along. Same thing if he's using a toy to beat a hole in the wall--I take the toy away until he can use it without destroying something. Time out in the traditional sense doesn't work, as he will not stay and any attempts would end up in a physical wrestling match. I'm not really willing to go there. I can get him to leave the room, but I couldn't get him to stay in one spot (short of sitting on him for four minutes or something. :lol: )

[HayesW]

I saw something on the Duggars recently that I REALLY liked. One child snatched from another. Michelle made the child say 10 times,"May I please have the toy." I like that the child says the RIGHT thing, imprinting it into their tiny little minds. Not a punishment, but a way to model correct behavior.

[brett_ashley]

Time out in the traditional sense doesn't work, as he will not stay and any attempts would end up in a physical wrestling match. I'm not really willing to go there. I can get him to leave the room, but I couldn't get him to stay in one spot (short of sitting on him for four minutes or something. :lol: )

 

Well this to me is the main problem. First things first. He is old enough to sit in a chair for 4 minutes. If he gets up, physically put him in the chair and start the timer over. I would do this up to 20 times or so, and then give him an alternate, much more painful consequence (removal of some privilege). Try again later and remind him what happens if he doesn't sit in the chair until the timer goes off.