HELP! Where to start?

[lakotajm]

I have posted on here about dd6, my "quirky" kid (search if you'd like background). If anything, she has gotten quirkier (especially with language-whispering/repeating others, clicking) and others have begun to comment on some of her asocial/childish habits. I am growing concerned myself, as I see signs that seem to say "This child is more than just quirky". She seems a little OCD and a bit Aspie. Also appears to have allergies. Sneezes daily.

I would like to be able to help her become more social, more "normal" with her language and habits and also I see problems with learning now-understanding teens (counting beyond 10 and remembering the correct names and the concept), retaining what I teach her in all subjects. Just to see her sit down at Sunday School class with her agemates (not crawl on the floor being a cat) all on her own for once would be blessed! I teach the teens and am often having to take her from my room (from under the table) back to hers, where she won't sit or stay.

 

Her sister, dd8, is a difficult, independent child-fits the ADHD mold. She lacks impulse control, is defiant, easily distracted (from what I want her to do:glare:). Trying to encourage cooperation from her is driving me batty! She gets into rages, will not accept consequences, etc. She does dangerous stuff, lies and steals. She also has physical issues like reflux/constipation/picky eater and enuresis.

 

Problem is, family is not too keen on me taking them to the doc for a diagnosis or testing. Some think I am making too much of their behavior. Some think I could get them to behave if I were better skilled as a parent. It has also been stated that they are acting like me-i.e., because I have history with depression and ADHD/OCD-like behavior it must be my fault. Whatever. None of that is helpful. No one but me has to put up with them 24/7 and also be their teacher.

No one knows them quite as intimately (ya'll know that mommy radar, right?!)

I want to help them. What can I say to the fam that would make me seem less flaky and ease their fear that I just want to label them or want the docs to do my dirty work (or whatever they seem to think)?

 

Where do I start with testing? I recently read the book Healing and Preventing Autism and the list of possible tests to get is staggering! I am thinking of starting with allergy testing. Seems the least wacko for the fam's benefit!

 

I also decided recently to switch us all to gfcf diet. No-brainer because I have wheat and dairy allergy and dh already has said he wants us to be wheat-free. But he is not so keen on the dairy-free and difficult dd8 is pitching fits! Naturally! (Other 2 have no problem with it-they like healthy food and aren't picky). Any advice on that front?

 

Just new to all this. Any help for someone who is starting on this journey would be appreciated.

 

Also, anyone getting testing or therapies using medicaid as the kids' insurance? That is all we have. Do they pay for much? What hoops will I have to go through?

Lakota

[lakotajm]

There have been several views, but no replies. Really need some help and encouragement. I would like to call the doctor today, but still unsure. Anyone?

Lakota

[Disney Dreaming]

:grouphug:. We have private insurance through dh's job so I am of no help with what Medicaid will pay. What I will say is I wish I would have had dd tested earlier. I knew something wasn't quite right and it wasn't until I brought her home to homeschool(after k) that I realized I was correct(ADHD, Aspergers, memory and processing issues). This is a looong process-dr referrals, finding the right meds, therapies, etc...If your husband agrees with you in having her evaluated please do so NOW.

**BTW, with started with a referral from dd's pediatrician to a neuro for evals.

[PeterPan]

Well who is opposing the evaluations, your dh or your extended family? Personally, I wouldn't care a spit nickel what anyone in your extended family says. You've got to help your kids. As far as your dh, well you've just got to inform him.

 

The main thing is not to talk to your extended family about it. That's what the boards here are for. When you talk with people who don't have a clue, you invite their opinion and criticism. I remember telling someone in the church I had started a particular thyroid med, and she proceeded to look up in books and tell me how I was on the WRONG med, didn't have a clue, needed a new doctor, blah blah. Oh btw, she had never been on thyroid meds. ;)

[lakotajm]

The relatives who have commented are the ones I am around the most (and kids too)-my dh, mom and grandma.

DH is the one who thinks it might be my fault.

My mom is so crunchy, she's the anti-labeler.

Granny is the one woried about stigma in general (including what others might think of our family) and wondering if I just need to quit exagerating and become a better mom. Related to their age, perspective, etc. I understand.

Definitely understand the pride factor with Dads. They make it sound like you are saying the kid is damaged instead of "I would like to help this kid maximize her potential".

Sigh...

I think I will try to keep it low key and start with allergy testing and see if ped will refer to others. Is that how it works? Ped refers?

Still interested in others' opinions, so keep em coming!

Lakota

[rafiki]

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[PrincessAriel]

Your dd sounds a bit like my own dd. She is now, at age 10, diagnosed with PDD-NOS and GAD. And the anxiety disorder this past summer was pure torture for all of us. I can really relate to the "acting like a cat" thing. She told me at that age to please not tell the cats (our pets) that it was really her.

 

I agree, get a neuropsych eval, be very careful who you share any information with, and try to find out what is going on. My own relatives are not supportive at all, telling me things like if she were only in school she would be just fine. I also have a 21 yo ds who was not diagnosed with Aspergers until age 19 and I really regret having waited so long to find out what we were dealing with.

 

Good luck to you and as was mentioned above, come here for support.:grouphug:

[DawnL]

I haven't read all the replies, but you mentioned allergies. I had to add stuff to look at when all the information is so overwhelming, but have you heard of Dr Doris Rapp? Here is her first appearance on the Phil Donahue show, years ago....

 

 

I know that's old, but it's still relavent today. She wrote a book based on that show, and all the responses she received after that show.

 

http://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Child-Doris-Rapp/dp/0688119077/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1318648755&sr=1-1

 

There is a ton of good information in the book as well.

 

Also, don't listen to family. You are the mom and you know your kids. I would be selective about what I share with everyone.

[tlcspcarcetc]

My 9 yr old dd fits many of the symptoms of both your dd's (impulse control, acting like a cat, trouble with numbers, seeming defiance (which is really just an inability to be flexible)). She is diagnosed with asperger's.

 

As for your family, we haven't had that struggle. However, I have had that struggle within myself and within our immediate family. DH and I both felt like terrible parents because dd never learned from timeout. She just kept doing stuff that was "wrong" despite consequences. You could spank her 20 times (which we never did, btw) and she would go right back to squeezing the cat or pounding the wall or yelling at whoever. It just didn't work. One of the books that I've read that's been very beneficial is The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It really helped us to get on the same team, so to speak.

 

So, rest assured that it is not your parenting. It took DH a while to figure that out. I don't think he ever felt it was my fault, perse, but he was very frustrated that what he thought were good parenting techniques failed at every turn. It was when our next child grew older and responded well to these techniques that we realized there was something going on with the oldest.

 

Not sure if that is helpful. I would encourage you to pursue a diagnosis for your girls. It has helped us immensely. If you DH sees that there really is something going on, maybe it will help him to realize that it is not necessarily what you are doing wrong that is causing the behavior. It is very difficult to raise kids like this, but also so rewarding. I am so proud of my dd when she really gets something. It's just beautiful.

[tenoraddict]

Oh, dear. :grouphug: I believe God gave us women's intuition and maternal instincts for a reason. It's hard when you're the one spending the majority of the time with the children, but aren't being respected for your opinion - or your parenting.

 

1. Stop talking to your mom and grandma about it. Hard, I know, but you need support now, not discouragement. You can't really stop talking to DH, but how is he with reading books? My DH only accepted that there was something wrong when he saw our kids on the pages of books. The Sensory Sensitive Child was the most helpful to us in this capacity, and even got my parents to understand what was going on once we got a diagnosis.

 

2. I have no idea, obviously, what your parenting style is, but I know that my boys need tight boundaries. If I slack for even a little on the schedule (let us all sleep in, make pancakes on a week day, etc), the whole day is shot. If you're not already doing it, have consistent boundaries and discipline with your kids.

 

3. I don't know if you can afford a good (meaning he takes Xrays and analyzes you individually) chiropractor, but that was where we started. We were all messed up without knowing it, and now we are almost 100% allergy, headache, infection, and illness free. Less sickness means less antibiotics means less of a messed up gut.

 

4. Buy Dianne Craft's Biology of Behavior . Perhaps a dietary change and supplement regimen will help you as much as it helped us. I bet the GFCF diet will do wonders for you.

 

5. We had our kids evaluated at the local children's hospital, where they were diagnosed with ADHD and ODD, and medication was recommended. I wasn't comfortable with this diagnosis or treatment plan. I read The Out of Sync Child which sealed the deal on Sensory Processing Disorder for me. We then had our boys evaluated by an OT who specializes in SPD, and we went through a year of therapy. Our private insurance didn't cover it because SPD isn't recognized as a diagnosis yet.

 

6. ADHD, Autism, and Asbergers are all recognized diagnoses, and if your DC have them, they'll be covered by insurance - at least to some degree.

 

7. As far as "where to start," I don't really know what to tell you. I received no guidance from our pediatrians, even when I specifically asked. Even after a year of OT and several years of a modified diet and chiropractic care, they aren't interested in hearing what we've done for our kids. The developmental pediatrician at the world-renown children's hospital just wanted to do medication and not talk about other options or potential diagnoses. I have to warn you that you're likely in for an extended "battle" against the medical establishment and possibly your family. YOU are your child's advocate and you need to trust your instincts more than ever. Read, read, read. I had to fully educate myself and then ask intelligent questions of the "experts." But honestly, the only direction I received that was anywhere near helpful came from moms who had "been there, done that" on this forum.

 

Fight the good fight, and keep asking for help. Power to the Mama! :)