I am at my wit's end with fighting kids...

[AprilTN]

I just yelled at my kids. I consider myself longsuffering but I have had all I can take. They DO NOT get along anymore. I have two girls, three years apart, oldest is 13.

 

My younger one has been a highly sensitive child since birth. She cries at the drop of a hat. Everything bothers her. She is difficult to get along with. But she is also very sweet and gentle at other times.

 

My older has typically been easy to get along with but more rowdy than her sister and she can really get on your nerves if she is in a hyper mood.

 

The two have played together for years and I've enjoyed many years of them getting along for the most part. But for about the last year my older daughter has really changed as she has become a teen. I understand that it is normal, but she no longer wants to have anything to do with her younger sister. Times when they are happy together have all but disappeared.

 

The younger one's emotions are still so out of control. She has days when she acts like a bratty little 4 year old, throwing tantrums and making whimpering sounds when she doesn't get her way. Other days she is just fine. No rhyme or reason to it, I've been trying to find a pattern for years and can't find any cause/effect.

 

Homeschooling has become increasingly difficult because they act like they HATE each other. It feels like teaching two pit bulls that are ready to fight. They make little snarky jabs at each other all day, they don't even try to get along, and they compete with each other for things like "who gets the eraser they have decided is the most special". All.day.long.

 

I am so stressed and so tired of it. I feel that their animosity is no longer healthy or conducive to homeschooling.

 

I have been praying about it for a long time but I told God this morning that I am at the end of my rope like I've never been before, and that I have no more ideas or strategies. It's like they fight and I no longer have any idea of what to do because nothing I've done seems to work.

 

So I yelled (really mature, I know) and told them that this is the last year of homeschooling if they don't start being amiable to each other. So they start pointing fingers and crying and I told them that school was over for the day and I left the room. I've never done that before. So far they are still in the school room, and I presume they are working on their work. My oldest needs lots of guidance but I told herthat she was on her own if she didany work, that I was finished for the day.

 

I have no one IRL that I can share this with, so I really appreciate you taking time to read this. I need advice on how to get through the next 8-9 months with the two of them. Fortunately, they are in tutorials so they are apart for that time, and I did that because I felt that they needed time apart. But it isn't enough. They have never been to school so this is a big deal for us to put them in school if that happens. But I am not going to put myself and them through years of daily craziness.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Aggiemom03]

A Hug for you April. So sorry - it is not fun at all. I am not in the same situation with you as my kids are not as old as yours, but I can certainly relate to the fighting, the tears, the sensitivity. My Oldest is like your youngest. They both are pushing each others buttons constantly. I end up resorting to yelling when I get to the end of my rope, too.

 

Not sure I can really help, but I know you aren't alone. The only suggestion I can think of is to try separating them. Can they be in separate rooms for any individual work, and then maybe try a new venue for together work like outside or something.... I would maybe think some kind of consistently applied consequence for not being kind to their sister might be a good idea, too. Something you can enforce everytime. Like 15 minutes of extra (something) or 15 minutes taken away of something they like. If you are able to do it every single time maybe you will see some progress.

 

 

Dunno but I hope you can find some sanity for your day!!!

Edited August 31, 2011 by Aggiemom03
typo

[Aggiemom03]

Ok thought of another idea, but I don't know if this is age appropriate or would work, but FWIW:

 

IF they really want to keep HSing and that is a good motivator for them, maybe you could have a jar or something that for every infraction (whine, argue, fight, snark etc...) they had to put something in (I don't know bean, marble, quarter....) and you tell them if that jar gets filled up then HSing will not happen next year.

 

I was thinking the visual of filling up the jar might be helpful. You's have to make sure that a reasonable amount of items will fill it up, though, so they get scared after a few weeks of putting something in every day.

[Momof3littles]

I feel for you. My 7 and 4 yo pick at one another and it makes me crazy.

 

I'm not experienced w/ older kids yet, but at their ages, for "school" today I'd have them work out a solution.

 

I'd calmly state that this cannot go on. You need to know what they are going to do to make it stop. Have them work out some sort of written contract maybe? I'd have them work on a list of problems and possible solutions, etc. I think it will be easier to hold them accountable that way, and they will be working together on solving a problem. It also might help them "own" their own problem.

 

Hopefully someone else will have a more clear vision for where that could go, but off the top of my head, I think that's what I would focus on.

 

I haven't read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk recently, but I wonder if that might help? I think they touch on sibling rivalry. I've read Siblings without Rivalry but it has been a while.

[Sasharowan]

I ground them from each other. Put them in separate rooms and forbid them to talk to each other or make noises loud enough to be heard by the other. If they cannot find a way to get along in my presence, I make it no fun for them. They can do school, chores, run laps in the yard, or sit on their beds and stare at the wall. Once, I even refused to take them to visit friends, do their activities, not even to Grandma's house. Make it more miserable for them to fight than to get along.

[Night Elf]

I would also buy a file box, like this one, for each of them. Let them decorate them with stickers. All of their school belongings go into their box. There is something about owning your own supplies that you do not have to share. Let them choose their own pencils, erasers, etc. that are theirs and only theirs.

 

For example, my ds15 presses down hard when he writes. He has flattened my dry erase markers. That gets on my last nerve! So I have my own set that I use. It's just not cool to have to share something when each person doesn't treat it the same.

 

Do they have their own notebooks, binders, workbooks, etc? That sort of thing that can go into their box. Maybe it can be for any work they do independently. I also had a wall file, like this one, that the kids would put completed work into so I could review it. That worked really well.

 

Do you combine them in any subjects? My children reached a point where they were competing and it wasn't pretty. I would start to ask a question and they would both jump to answer so they could be the first. And of course my youngest dd, who is very sensitive, would burst out crying if she wasn't the first one.

 

Yes, separating them in everything is a lot of work. Some people slap won't even consider it. But it was the right thing for our family because their quality of learning was not where I wanted it to be because they were more focused on one another than on their work. I also had to make sure they had separate math programs so they wouldn't draw comparisons there either. Dd13 has always worked far ahead. It's not that ds15 can't do some of the work, he is just more of a tortoise worker while dd13 is the hare.

[Lily_Grace]

Have you read Siblings without Rivalry or Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! ? Both have a lot of real, concrete advice that helps tame the tempers and competition.

 

:grouphug: