twoforjoy Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 It sounds like a big part of this is that she doesn't want to homeschool, but her DH is insisting. That right there is no doubt an enormous source of stress. I don't think homeschooling is right for every family, and I definitely don't think it's right for a family where the person doing most of the homeschooling doesn't want to be doing it. I really can't see the plan of taking the child to work with the dad going well, especially if there are behavioral issues. Most likely, the child would again simply be expected to do his work independently while the parent did other things, and that's obviously not working in this case. That said, I don't think there's anything you can do or that you even really should say. However, I do think, as somebody mentioned upthread, suggesting a virtual academy could be helpful, if she brings it up again. That sounds like something that might work in their situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I think you did your part, frankly. These decisions are ultimately on the parent. Most people do not take very well if you push some types of conversations or "I think you should"s, especially when it comes to child rearing, past certain level of comfort - there is definitely a time to back off in some moments, as much as we may feel somebody is doing a disservice to their children. If you do not have the type of dynamic with your friend where you may "push" her a little beyond her comfort zone in those conversations and insist on some things, without it being perceived as being nosy or interfering in what is not your business, but as a real sign of care, it really may be better not to do so. You did offer your opinion, it is up to her to chew on it, discard it, or something in the middle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I might gently, if an appropriate opportunity comes up, say something like "You seem frustrated. If you'd like me to help you try to figure out what might help, I'd be glad to." If she says okay, then put in a disclaimer that if she starts feeling you are being pushy or something, she has your permission to tell you to stop, and you won't be mad. If she says no or ignores the question, I"d leave it alone. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 First, I should say that I dealt with an unhappy homeschooler situation personally. Someone close to me was claiming to be homeschooling but absolutely NEVER doing it. I was very close to the family and the situation, and the mother was totally honest with me about their lack of schooling. It was a situation that caused me worry and agony for years. Ultimately, this woman was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Her daily struggles and "drifting" suddenly made sense in light of the tumor. She suffered for years before dying this past January. She was dear to me, and I was terribly saddened to see her suffering. Her children were eventually placed in public school. Even with the lack of schooling and pain and chaos, all five of the kids have thrived in school from the first--a true answer to prayer. I read this and it reminded me....there are more reasons to homeschool that strictly education. NOT that I don't think education is important! Believe me, I do! But how wonderful for those kids to have those last years spending so much extra time with their mother. Those are years they can never get back. In a "typical" situation, they would be away at school for most of the day, home to quickly eat dinner and stress to get the homework done, and then off to bed early to wake up early for another day of school. How wonderful that instead, they had all these hours of memories with their Mom. I am betting that not one of those kids would trade that time for an intensive educational experience for those years! Sometimes I forget how much more I am getting by my choice to homeschool than just what you can see on my kids' worksheets! Thanks, Strider, for sharing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Fact is, they have the right to drop the ball I just can't believe that this is a common and accepted part of the homeschooling world. If you read other threads about this, you will see that the majority of homeschoolers I've ever met have been those who really don't homeschool much, if at all. These are not people who claim unschooling, just people who regularly drop the ball. You will also see that I HATE that that is the way it is! You will also see that my experience isn't the same as everyone else's. The majority of people on this board claim they don't know many, even ANY, homeschoolers like this! And seriously? What is there not to accept? *I* have no control over what another family does. I don't have to like it, but I do have to accept it is their right to fail to educate their children. When *I* was a newbie, I would have argued it up, down, and all around. I was sure these were simply the few bad apples in a wonderful barrel. I would have said that almost all of us were doing better than any school even had the possibility to do. I had never met a "do-nothing" homeschool family and didn't really believe they existed. The only family I knew that fell into that, turned around and sent their kids to school. So that is what I believed happened. But after 15+ years around homeschoolers? I know better. The majority of homeschoolers around here just DO NOT homeschool. They aren't choosing unschooling instead. They simply drop the ball ALL the time. Life gets in the way. They don't want to spend the time. They have other interests. They keep kids home simply to keep their kids out of school. They homeschool 4, 6, 10 weeks per YEAR. It is rare to meet a homeschooler around here who is on level or advanced. They almost ALL are behind. And I simply cannot save the world. It is not my business. It's not my job. And I couldn't do it even if it were. They don't WANT help. I accept the things I just cannot change. I have seven kids of my own to raise and will do THAT well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 I think you did your part, frankly. At some point you can't convince people to do something they don't want to, even if it involves their child. I teach paid classes locally to kids older than that, and I've seen "not enough" and the results of denying that the child has dyslexia, Asperger's, attachment disorder, etc. etc. And I do say something, but I put it in writing in terms that relate to success in future studies when I do the semester evaluation, and I leave it at that unless the parent wants to discuss it. In that situation, they are looking for an outside evaluation, and so I give it. Most of the time they ignore it frankly, but I've done what I could. That really is all that someone can do, whether you are a friend or someone else who has contact with the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 I'm sorry I am horrible with words and expressing thoughts, I was a Math and Science girl, not a language arts girl. It was always my friends dream to hs, she was completely into it, but the behavior issues and the learning troubles plus some personal issues have turned this into a bit of a nightmare for her. Her dh however still wants to hs and at this point she doesn't. Yes, they are miserable. She thinks her son hates her, there is strife with dh and there is just chaos in general in their life, schooling and otherwise. She is having a hard time keeping with the basics let alone schooling. This is just not some happy unschooling family, they are unschoolers by default, as in schooling doesn't happen more than it does(seemingly from the impression I get). I also get that she wants it to be different but she doesn't know how to get there and I don't know how to help with that. I do think the underlying issues really need to be dealt with ie behavior and learning issues for all of their sakes but I'm afraid for them that if her dh assumes that role than it is more likely to be further ignored, not by malice or anything though to be clear. I would never, ever, ever charge neglect though. As a pp stated I would reserve that for something much more serious. They are wonderfully loving parents. My friend is a great women, kind and compassionate, humble beyond belief, my best friend. I do not think this is working well for them though. I can love her and still think that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 But after 15+ years around homeschoolers? I know better. The majority of homeschoolers around here just DO NOT homeschool. They aren't choosing unschooling instead. They simply drop the ball ALL the time. Life gets in the way. They don't want to spend the time. They have other interests. They keep kids home simply to keep their kids out of school. They homeschool 4, 6, 10 weeks per YEAR. It is rare to meet a homeschooler around here who is on level or advanced. They almost ALL are behind. That is what I am seeing, life gets in the way. I am going to have to work on letting it go especially for those close to me. Random people it does not bother me to be honest- but I obviously tend to let things bother me too much. Also, if he was thriving it would be different but he is not, some kids can flourish on their own quite well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 17, 2011 Author Share Posted July 17, 2011 Another thought - if she hasn't already, can she come visit for a day or an overnight, with her ds? Maybe if she were in your house, and could see and hold things like various curricula, your schedule/planner, etc., she might be able to see herself doing things diffrerently. Sometimes a visual approach helps a lot - I know it did for me, when we were thinking about hs-ing, and I visited a hs-ing friend and looked around her schoolroom - a picture is worth a thousand words. Maybe she could even watch you do some teaching. ETA: also, on the eval issue, you could work into the conversation about how you were considering some testing of your dc, and talk about the factors that might be involved in such a decision, such as the child not performing at a level that would be expected, what would be "normal," etc. They were talking about visiting in a few months so that might be something to consider. I think it might be a neat thing for them to do together and maybe a good experience for him to see school in a different light. I have talked to her about evals and the various warning signs of things. Even point blank said that he has warning signs for this and this. Her reaction seems to vary on that, sometimes accepting, sometimes ignoring but she hasn't moved forward on it. She has done some research on her own after discussing some but I don't know what happened to that. I need to follow up with her and asked her what became of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AHASRADA Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 Sure, but it's none of my business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) . Edited July 18, 2011 by Orthodox6 I deleted this text yester. Why was it still here?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.