Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend

[Aubrey]

I read this book ages ago at the suggestion of a friend. But, it has been awhile, and I need to read it again.

 

I wish they would write Boundaries for In-Laws. My parents both dying before I was married, means there is no choice for holidays except to spend it with my husband's parents. This exacerbates the problem. There is no where else to go. This causes a lot of resentment on my part. I am currently reading Parentless Parents,which is helping me sort through some of this.

 

Yes! My dad died about 4 years after we were married, but before that, he lived 5 hours away & then was semi-homeless for a year (staying w/ his mom because he was disabled & wife kicked him out). My mom is out of state; we haven't been able to afford to go there, & honestly, my whole family is a little crazy & has gotten worse in the last 10 years, so I've been happy to go to ils.

 

It's just that...I want a chance to have our own family, too. They always had that because their dads died when they were young & their moms either died shortly after or lived too far away.

 

I have gotten better with drawing boundaries with my fil over the years (mil is a delight), but it is still hard. He is a force to be reckoned with. NO ONE stands up to him. My niece is a freshman in college and *HE* decided the schedule she chose for the spring semester needed some tweaking and told both her and my sil what she needed to do *instead*. Their response? Did what they were "told." No, he is not paying for niece's education. It's none of his business, but he makes it so. At any rate, it makes it harder for me to stand up to him b/c no one else will.

 

Dh tried to convince me to have ils over this weekend, as a compromise. It's not easier. His dad doesn't control what we do--he does his own thing. He'll sit at my desk (would this make anyone else as insane as me? I'd almost rather share my underwear than my desk, computer, or desk chair--fair warning if you come over!) & play on the computer. Like--searching for cars & making dh come look, or downloading random junk & viruses.

 

Alternatively, he'll sit in my chair & spin the littles around until they're hyperventilating w/ laughter so no one can talk. Sounds friendly, but when my once-every-five-years-grandmother is here, I don't appreciate it. When he makes them cry or makes them so wild they can't be contained, I have to take care of it, not him.

 

Then mil tries to help--I really, really believe she means well, but...she ends up running things & making me feel criticized. Dh doesn't know this, but every birthday party we've ever had has been orchestrated by her. She *tells* me when we're going to do gifts, when we're going to do cake, etc. If I have another plan, she's more than happy to go w/ that--she REALLY is trying to help, I think--but I don't usually have another plan. I tend to go w/ the spirit of the party. Which I don't think is good or bad, but when she's there, I suddenly feel not good enough, not organized enough, not polite enough. :confused:

 

In some ways, it's not fair to her that I feel that way. If I were more confident or assertive, I think we'd do better. In other ways, though...I've seen her rub other people wrong when she does this to them. *shrug* She goes out of her way to try to love me & accept me the way that I am, a way that's very, very different from her. So I try to give her the same space. But jeepers it can be stressful, so once a month or two is good, when it comes to casual get-togethers. Three times a year is good for the other stuff, & that includes Christmas. :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

Geez. Doesn't anyone respect "I'm taking a mental health day?"

 

Rosie

[Aubrey]

Geez. Doesn't anyone respect "I'm taking a mental health day?"

 

Rosie

 

No, I'm a homeschooler, so I get those every day. You know, because going to work is so much more stressful. :D

[3lilreds in NC]

Part of the problem is that dh has to re-understand ea time why we're saying no. They want us to come over this weekend. Since the van's not running well, dh suggested 2-3 alternatives. I finally said no, & he kind-of...was surprised...wanted to "talk about it." :glare:

 

I asked him if he was more concerned about disappointing his parents' expectations of if he more WANTED to go--definitely both w/ him. He couldn't tell which was more, but after thinking about it, he says, "I don't know if I really want to go at all...it's just...what we do."

 

Dh has *never* missed a Christmas at home. Ever. The natural rhythm between families never developed for us because my mom moved out of state, my dad died, & my grandparents...well. But that means we have no excuses to say no to ils & we're *expected* to be there/have them here for Easter, birthdays, Valentines, etc. Everything. Except Christmas--then it's their house, period.

 

I know you think it makes you look bad when dh takes the kids without you, honey, but really, it just doesn't matter. This is the mindset change I'm talking about. They can think what they like, throw tantrums, cry, and try to guilt or bully you into things, and that is THEIR choice and THEIR problem. I know it's easier said than done, but they are not likely to change their expectations or suddenly be able to understand where you're coming from, so you need to do what YOU need to do and leave them to get over it.

 

I have often wished we could have a family holiday without the inlaws. We have friends who do one year with his parents, one with hers, and then one just for themselves. I always thought that sounded like a fabulous idea, but really, I only want to skip the year with the ILs, LOL, so that wouldn't work out so well. Also, II tend to get really depressed around the holidays, living so far away from my family, so I have never forced the issue. I don't think dh would go for that either.

 

If you don't like every Christmas day at their house, could you go over on Christmas Eve instead? Or tell them that you're having Christmas morning at home, alone, and then see them later for lunch? I never did have to work this out, really, because we had kids after we moved to NC so whichever set of parents is in town is already at my house.

 

This is definitely something you have to work out with dh. He needs to be able to respect your needs, even if he doesn't fully understand them, and support you in front of his parents. If he can do that, then it truly does not matter how they react. They WILL get over it, if they want to continue to have you in their lives and still get to see their grandchildren.

[lea1]

I went to a counselor once when I was having money issues with my mom. I was looking for a way to change her, rather than realizing that it was me that had to change by developing my own boundaries. After explaining this to me, she recommended this book. I bought it and read it immediately and have read most of them over the years since then. Wonderful books that have definitely changed my life for the better (I'm also an introvert married to an introvert:001_smile:).

 

If you don't like every Christmas day at their house, could you go over on Christmas Eve instead? Or tell them that you're having Christmas morning at home, alone, and then see them later for lunch?

 

:iagree: My sister and her husband set firm Christmas Day boundaries with both his and her extended families very early on in their marriage. The morning of Christmas Day is their family time and no one else is invited. They are with our family on Christmas Eve and with his family on the afternoon of Christmas Day.

 

My husband and I were married much later in life so it has been easy for my family to fall into a similar pattern. It is totally acceptable to let extended family know that you family needs to have your own holiday traditions and you must have time alone on holidays, as a family, to do that.

 

I agree with a PP that it sounds like your husband really needs to read the book. He might just end up feeling like it set him free.

[jaysdarlin]

Thanks for sharing all this, everyone. It was so helpful to read. Im on a Boundaries book-reading marathon right now.

[Dobela]

I have read and reread the boundaries book. It was introduced the first time in therapy as I was dealing with issues with my parents. While I understood boundaries, the thing this book did for me was to explain what to expect as I set those boundaries - how were those other people going to respond back and how to prepare myself for it. For me that was invaluable.

 

Nearly 20 years later I still struggle with boundaries with my parents and my brother. My mom in particular is very difficult to maintain boundaries with becuse she just does not respect them at all. But, it has dramatically changed my relationship with my dad for the better. My brother, well, now we know he has autism so that boundary is kind of weird anyway.

 

Establishing boundaries was a long, hard process. It didn't happen over night. It is still a test and trial especially with my mom who refuses to think she should respect any boundaries within the family.

[frogmom]

The book, to be honest, is full of scriptural contradictions. We used it for a bible study and took a break after the third session because we felt it was nearly heresy. I'll give examples privately if you contact me.