x-post: Ds won't focus

[Negin]

EDITING my OP:

Our ds (age 11) can never seem to stick with anything much for too long. He goes through phases/fads and totally and completely immerses himself in whatever he's obsessed about for several months or even a year or more. His whole life is one unit study after another. Then, on to something else.

During each phase or fad, he lives, breathes, talks, dreams about whatever his fad is at that time.

His fads have included:

High School Musical, anything Disney, dogs, horses, becoming a vet (that lasted for quite a few years!)

Now it's Harry Potter and Karate.

The list goes on and on. :tongue_smilie:

 

We realize that he's still a kid and that people change, yet we're concerned.

 

To make light of all this, even my cravings during my pregnancy with him were that way - complete unit studies, since he's a unit study boy:

2 weeks of coconut milk shakes

2 weeks of Thousand Island Dressing on EVERYTHING

2 weeks of KFC ... you get the idea. :lol:

 

He cannot sit still for very long. He is not the studious, sit-down-and-read-a-book for very long type. Not at all the indoorsy, studious type. Nothing like dh, dd, nor I. This frustrates dh and I.

 

We worry about his future. We were both very academic and we can't imagine him being the type to be able to study or stick with something in college. We know that it's too early. But usually, by this age, patterns are setting, habits are forming, if you KWIM. We do realize that not all successful people have to attend college necessarily. Heck, some of the most successful people (financially successful, that is) whom I know personally never attended college. We just want him to be happy with whatever he chooses to do, and to be able to support himself and his family.

 

I guess my questions are:

 

• What to do with such a kid?
  
• What career options do we help or guide him towards?
  
• Is there anything we can do to help him learn to actually try to stick with things?
  * Do you know of anyone who was like this as a child and who changed or overcame this? How?
  

 

 

Thank you.

Edited March 5, 2011 by Negin in Grenada

[elegantlion]

I don't think they have to have it figured out by 11. :D My ds is the same way. Yesterday we were discussing college or life and he stated he still doesn't know what he wants to do. I really don't expect him to at this age.

 

I have a tendency to compare him (at least in my mind) to other kids that seem to have it all figured out by this age.

 

In the last several years my ds has been through several phases of hyper focus. At five and six he watched cooking shows like Alton Brown and Emeril. I don't cook much, HE wanted to watch them. At seven he wanted to fly jets and land on aircraft carriers, at eight he wanted to make Star Wars 7,8, &9, at nine he wanted to play poker. At ten he started getting into Pokemon. In between all that he watched every Star Trek episode ever made and we briefly thought of turning his room into a starship bridge. At 11 he was in Magic the game cards and would play in tournaments with adults, at 12 he got into Call of Duty and making videos for youtube with his Magic Cards and videos with lego men. At 13 he's into Minecraft.

 

He still has an interest in most of these things and there is a hazy outline of what I can see him becoming as an adult.

 

There are careers that haven't even been invented yet that our childrens' generation will hold. Maybe one of those will be perfect for boys with varied interests.

[Negin]

Thank you for your helpful reply. Nice to know that our ds is not the only one.

 

I don't think they have to have it figured out by 11.

Not so much that he should have it figured out, but at least some focus or attention would be nice.

 

Our concern is not that much for his career or higher education at this age, but to at least see him focus on studying more. He goes from one fad or passion to another. Never sticks with one thing for very long. Dh often reminds me that the kids he knew who were like this, have never seemed to have much focus or direction in their professional lives (and sadly, often their personal lives) as adults. I've seen it also. It's very, very frustrating. :confused: They hop from one thing to another.

[Chris in VA]

IDK if this will be helpful, but...

In teaching preschool, we always had some kids who had deep preferences for certain areas of the room. Often, it was a boy who was always in the unit blocks, building and such, and wouldn't touch art or write. Or, we might have a child who never left dramatic play.

 

So, I'd reassure parents by telling them that, yes, I'd be encouraging their child to try out the whole room, but I could also bring in the whole preschool "curriculum" to the place they played most. For instance, I'd place a bin with writing materials in the blocks for "block signs," get the kids to trace the blocks and add small blocks for fine motor, ask them to describe their buildings for narration/oral language, hang up architectural posters to show cultures of other places, put books there showing constructions and stories (Mike Mulligan, anyone?)...

 

My advice is just to go with his interests for at least another year, but pull in enrichment of ALL kinds. Let him write about it, incorporate it into art, find its history, etc. Along the way, you will be providing the skills he'll need to explore anything. I find unit studies that are very rich are really ideal vehicles for learning, mostly because they capitalize on the interest of the child, which is highly motivating. Excitement in learning is a GOOD thing!!

 

Then, probably around high school or 8th grade, I'd pull in some more standard things--he's just specializing in clumps, y'know? I just wouldn't worry about it yet.

[LostSurprise]

If it makes you feel any better, dh was like that as a child and he's a successful software engineer now. Eventually one thing stuck (electronics). I'm not saying he lost that 'always looking at something new' gene, but he learned to use it to become the creative go-to guy. When they want to know about a new technique or a trend they go to dh. That's the good side. The hard side is that he is not the uber-coder and makes up for it with a burning work ethic.

 

I think if your son has the ability to focus on his latest passion...if he has a good work ethic/the ability to follow through...if you bring some academic complexity to his passion (for instance, physics to karate and biology to vet stuff), I don't see why it should hurt him in the long run.

 

We live in a world where people change careers more often then when we were children. Flexibility and the ability to learn new things are much more prized right now. Enjoy his gift.

[Negin]

Thank you all for your replies so far.

I've edited my OP slightly. It's not that he can't focus, as much as he can't stick with anything for very long. In all his 11 years, we have not seen this change. This concerns us. Greatly.

[Chris in VA]

You know, your post makes me think of the Asperger's kids' tendencies to get deeply, deeply involved in something--really hyperfocused. (My oldest is probably on the spectrum, but the testing we did when he was quite young didn't show it--now we think the testing has gotten better, and he would show it, but he's able to cope pretty well.)

Does he tend to be very factual about what he learns? Does he want to share about it, almost to the point of not conversing about anything else? (the 'talk your ear off" kind of sharing is pretty common)

There's lots that can help, if he is showing signs of AS.

With my son, he had some pretty deep interests. He loved the Titanic when he was in 3rd grade. He even got to meet Bob Ballard when dh brought him to SMU as a lecturer. He was a huge WWII buff at one point. Now it's cinema/film making--and that's his major. So I'd say finding a deep interest can be a good thing. You say he flits, but he was interested in being a Vet for quite a while--so the capacity is there, he just needs to explore options, maybe? That's appropriate for an 11 yo.

 

Just my extra two cents! <G>

[OrganicAnn]

Also ADD/ADHD can be like that too. Hyperfocus and as well as not able to focus. Also always changing what their focus is.

 

You might look into some strategies for dealing with ADD/ADHD kids. Even if your son isn't ADD, the strategies may be helpful.

 

I think with kids like this, that they need to learn how to handle things that are not of interest to them. Because in life they will have to learn how to handle boring and routine things no matter what profession or career. So say math is not his 'thing', then you just work on it daily despite whatever his current obsession is.

[Negin]

Thank you again. :)

 

Does he tend to be very factual about what he learns?

No.

 

Does he want to share about it, almost to the point of not conversing about anything else? (the 'talk your ear off" kind of sharing is pretty common)

Pretty much. But not entirely.

 

With my son, he had some pretty deep interests. He loved the Titanic when he was in 3rd grade. He even got to meet Bob Ballard when dh brought him to SMU as a lecturer. He was a huge WWII buff at one point. Now it's cinema/film making--and that's his major. So I'd say finding a deep interest can be a good thing.

Thanks for the encouragement. I like hearing actual experiences, such as your son's.

 

I think with kids like this, that they need to learn how to handle things that are not of interest to them. Because in life they will have to learn how to handle boring and routine things no matter what profession or career. So say math is not his 'thing', then you just work on it daily despite whatever his current obsession is.

I should have re-phrased my OP and title. It's not that he can't focus. He can focus very well on almost anything and has fabulous listening skills. Where his "lack of focus" (which is a rather inaccurate term) comes in, is his flying around from one fad to another, from one passion to the next. He's actually interested in so much. But there's always at any one time, one overrriding passion. One thing that he's absolutely obsessed about. He's actually quite good at handling boring and uninteresting things. He's better than I was at that age. He's fascinated by most things. I guess I should have been more clear.

[Chris in VA]

Based on what you've said, then, I think there's nothing to worry about! He's just 11.

That's a good age to explore lots of areas.

 

Sometimes (gently) our own fears, based on our own experiences, can color the way we respond to our children. As long as he's eager to learn, not showing signs of a disability, and able to break his focus to work on things that aren't as interesting (even if he doesn't WANT to...), then I think it's just a maturity thing, and I truly wouldn't worry.

[Negin]

Based on what you've said, then, I think there's nothing to worry about! He's just 11.

That's a good age to explore lots of areas.

Sometimes (gently) our own fears, based on our own experiences, can color the way we respond to our children. As long as he's eager to learn, not showing signs of a disability, and able to break his focus to work on things that aren't as interesting (even if he doesn't WANT to...), then I think it's just a maturity thing, and I truly wouldn't worry.

Thank you so very, very much. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: