Insisting dd participate in an activity? & Is homeschooling the wrong choice for dd?

[Carpe Diem]

Thought I would run this by the hive.

 

DD who is eleven does not like anything new. As far as I can remember she has hated transitions, even to do something fun like getting ice cream. Every activity she participates in has only happened because I stay for the class or lesson. She is getting better as once it is a familiar setting she won't mind if I take a walk around in the building (library for instance.) I have to promise not to leave the building and say exactly where I am going, but still it doesn't seem normal compared to other kids her age. She feels confident to leave my side when it is her idea, like to go check out a book upstairs.

 

Her father and I were discussing signing the kids up for some 1/2 day science classes that are a week in duration. The younger kids were jumping up and down with glee but this child is in tears and begging us not to sign her up.

Dh and I feel these would be worthwhile of her time and are things like Lego Mindstorm. Stuff we can't afford to buy on our own.

 

In the past we have signed her up for things against her wishes thinking it was for her own good. It has always turned out that she enjoyed the activity once she finally participated in it. Now some of these are things she really enjoys doing.

 

Part of me wonders if by having her homeschool we are letting her stay in her comfort zone and maybe that isn't doing her a favor in the long run. I don't know. She is adamant that she will never go to school again. She says she will take college classes online. I think if we ever did sign her up for school, the police would have to come and forcibly remove her and take her to school.

 

Just yesterday she talked about starting her own buisness and selling items door to door. I was impressed that she felt comfortable thinking about doing that.

 

So anyone have experiences with this type of child? Anyone here remembered being forced to participate in activities as a child? Is this just a phase that will go away in a few years and then I will be wishing she wanted to be by my side? Should we insist she take the class? Is homeschooling hurting her?

 

Looking for your thoughts/advice.

[Claire]

Does she have any other quirks? Just wondering because some of this sounds like non-verbal learning disability. NLD kids tend to be very "clingy".

 

IMO, homeschooling is not hurting her. However, I would make her take the classes (even if it means staying in the classroom, or in the building, or whatever concession you can get her to agree to). My dd had to be gently pushed into activities, but several of them turned out to be lifetime "winners" for her. Her best friend, in contrast, has a mother who would never push, pulled her dd out of a class right away if dd didn't like it. Love this girl, but she is now much less-rounded than my dd, more vulnerable, less experienced and less sure of herself.

 

I would definitely not force her to go back to school if she is adamantly against it. Chances are there is something about school that she found toxic to her well-being, and I would respect that. (A week of half-day classes is very different! For one thing, it's only a week!)

[Storm Bay]

Thought I would run this by the hive.

 

DD who is eleven does not like anything new.

 

Part of me wonders if by having her homeschool we are letting her stay in her comfort zone and maybe that isn't doing her a favor in the long run. I don't know. She is adamant that she will never go to school again. She says she will take college classes online. I think if we ever did sign her up for school, the police would have to come and forcibly remove her and take her to school.

 

So anyone have experiences with this type of child? Anyone here remembered being forced to participate in activities as a child? Is this just a phase that will go away in a few years and then I will be wishing she wanted to be by my side? Should we insist she take the class? Is homeschooling hurting her?

 

Looking for your thoughts/advice.

 

Personally, I think homeschooling is a great place for thist type of child. For one thing, it's far easier to learn when you're more relaxed. For another thing, I think it's better to teach her to do new things a bit at a time rather than to have her jump with both feet into a ps. I'd ease her out of her comfort zone, but not a lot at once. She has 8+ years until her college years.

 

My second one used to be so very shy she wouldn't talk to most women and to only a few men (and some rough, scary looking men at that!!!). I kept her out of ps because I knew of another girl who'd been held back in K because she wouldn't talk to the teachers (turns out her dad had left her mother for a school teacher--now why the teachers didn't figure out the problem when the mother knew is beyond me!). My dd has come a long, long way although she's still not the best at starting conversations with other kids. But she fits well into group situations and enjoys herself.

[Janet in WA]

In the past we have signed her up for things against her wishes thinking it was for her own good. It has always turned out that she enjoyed the activity once she finally participated in it. Now some of these are things she really enjoys doing.

 

BTDT.

 

Part of me wonders if by having her homeschool we are letting her stay in her comfort zone and maybe that isn't doing her a favor in the long run. I don't know. She is adamant that she will never go to school again. She says she will take college classes online. I think if we ever did sign her up for school, the police would have to come and forcibly remove her and take her to school.

 

Let me help you put that particular guilt trip to rest. Our middle son is just like your dd. But he went to ps for 4 very stressful years before being homeschooled. "Real" school did nothing to change his fear of/resistance to new things.

 

So anyone have experiences with this type of child? Anyone here remembered being forced to participate in activities as a child? Is this just a phase that will go away in a few years and then I will be wishing she wanted to be by my side? Should we insist she take the class?

Yes (see above). But also, I WAS that kind of child. My parents didn't ever insist that I try anything, so I didn't. But my parents were both introverted and dowright reclusive. I think they were actually glad that I was a stay-at-home soul too. Since growing up that way and raising a son like that, I'd have to say that I think encouraging -- and even inisting -- that they try some carefully considered activities is the best path. As you've found, it isn't hurting your dd because she's actually finding herself glad she gave those things a try.

 

 

Is homeschooling hurting her?No. You are probably saving her from a lot of stress, not handicapping her.

[Carpe Diem]

Thanks for everyone's replies.

 

So, she isn't being harmed by homeschooling. That is a relief.

 

Does she have other quirks? Hmm... she has never liked loud noises. She covers her ears and sort of cowers if she thinks something will be too loud. She has no problem being loud herself though. She is very afraid of aliens. She has trouble sleeping at night due to fears although this is getting better. She is anxious. She is very RIGID. This drives me absolutely crazy. It serves her well for accomplishing things but it can be a big problem in our household. She is so stubborn but she can listen to reason. She is BOSSY and sometimes mean to her sister.

 

Luckily for her she has many more positive qualities. She has such a good ear/ memory for music and most every little past event. She is smart, a good student and a natural speller. She is very pretty. Most obvious is that she is funny and the life of most parties/get togethers. So when she is comfortable with the situation she will make everybody laugh. She is much more than that but I'll stop there.

 

I don't know if that helps paint more of a picture of her. Thanks for any more input.

 

I love my daughter and I want to do what is right for her.

[Barb_]

Thanks for everyone's replies.

 

So, she isn't being harmed by homeschooling. That is a relief.

 

Does she have other quirks? Hmm... she has never liked loud noises. She covers her ears and sort of cowers if she thinks something will be too loud. She has no problem being loud herself though. She is very afraid of aliens. She has trouble sleeping at night due to fears although this is getting better. She is anxious. She is very RIGID. This drives me absolutely crazy. It serves her well for accomplishing things but it can be a big problem in our household. She is so stubborn but she can listen to reason. She is BOSSY and sometimes mean to her sister.

 

Luckily for her she has many more positive qualities. She has such a good ear/ memory for music and most every little past event. She is smart, a good student and a natural speller. She is very pretty. Most obvious is that she is funny and the life of most parties/get togethers. So when she is comfortable with the situation she will make everybody laugh. She is much more than that but I'll stop there.

 

I don't know if that helps paint more of a picture of her. Thanks for any more input.

 

I love my daughter and I want to do what is right for her.

 

Oh my word, you have just described my oldest daughter. Not wanting to try new things, hiding in her room, covering her ears, irrational fears, bossy, beautiful, rigid, strangely charismatic in certain situations, musical talent...the whole 9 yards. She just turned 18 last week and in the past year has more than once expressed how thankful she is that we pulled her out to homeschool her. As she has grown, we've had to make a lot of judgement calls as to when to nudge and when to protect, but overall the experiment has been a success.

 

Over the years, she was like a turtle, sticking her little head out of her shell to test the weather but ready to pull back in at a moment's notice. But that's okay! As she grew older, particularly during her teens, she tested the world on her own terms, and her own little circle of acceptable grew wider and wider (I can see from your post you are already seeing that happen). At 14 she began to tackle college classes and by 16 was holding down a restaurant job as well (and yes, I had to nudge her into both experiences at the beginning). She has often said that if it weren't for the gift of time that homeschooling has given her, she would be a neurotic basket case today, mainly because she would never have been able to break out of fight-or-flight mode long enough to incorporate her own experiences. She could hold it together for short ventures into the world knowing that home and safety weren't too far away. Ironically, she is probably more self-aware than most people twice her age because I've had to work so intensely with her over the years to uncover the underlying causes of her seemingly irrational behavior. People often remark on her poise and maturity and I think it's directly related. These kids are a challenge to raise, but so much fun and such a reward as you make it through.

 

I think it sounds like you're on the right track. One suggestion I would make is to go for one quality activity at a time. Allow her to help choose. A child who is bossy really feels the need to control her own destiny. Help her learn to handle the world in small doses. See, it's so hard to see the progress you're making when you are in the thick of it. Take those little triumphs for what they are...signs that she is maturing and growing and that your decisions have been good ones.

 

Barb

[choirfarm]

Hi.. You described my son who just turned 13. He hates anything new, hates loud noises, likes to do things HIS way..not very social. I have had the same questions this year. And since he is now getting to be a teenager, I also wonder where is the line at MAKING him do things and letting him choose not to. I cannot tell you the amount of times over the years that he would be in tears begging me not to take him somewhere and me doing it anyway only to have him say, "That was fun mom. Thank you for making me go." I also worry that he doesn't have any friends. I did see an improvement with him interacting with the other homeschool boys this year at co-op. But he did have a best friend that moved this past summer (his only one) and he told me he didn't want to make any more friends because they might leave, too. :001_huh: I told him just this week that for his 8th grade year I would like for him to volunteer somewhere....his choice: library, dad's office, vet, computer jobs at church to maybe help the social interaction thing..

[Donna T.]

So anyone have experiences with this type of child?

 

 

Yes! You have almost EXACTLY described my oldest son. And, I have the same questions that you do... constantly. I hope this thread keeps going so I can hear from other mothers who are parenting a child with these issues.

 

Yes, my son hates transitioning, too. It is a constant dance that we do... pushing then holding back, pushing then holding back... I get so weary. He cringes at loud noises, he wants to stay home most of the time (unless it's an activity he really loves to do - there are some of those), and wants to be homeschooled through college! He is very, very introverted to the extreme and has been extremely shy in the past. He is beginning to come out of his shyness a wee little bit, but he will always be very introverted - it's just who he is. He is very smart, funny, and interesting to talk to. And, he loves to talk... when he feels in control of a situation. He's definately maturing. I mean, he doesn't hide under tables at the library anymore!

 

My husband has recently decided that he wants our son to do one extra activity. I mean, he does go to church and Sunday School and we are out and about everyday, but my dh wants our son to do something else just for him. So, we have settled on 4-H and I'll sign him up for this asap. He is actually quite open-minded about it, which is a huge shock... I think that is because he thinks it will be fairly laid-back. He refuses to go to the coop art classes that are starting soon, and he won't even consider homeschool PE. I would love to sign him up for a science class this summer or something similiar but I'm going with 4-H since he has shown some interest there. He really does have alot of interests, he's just not into crowds.

 

So, we are just going to start with this one activity. He's done other things but I've always been with him. I have decided I'm going to give him a STRONG nudge towards more independence with the 4-H. I mean, I will participate as appropriate, but I'm not going to take the activity over which is my usual approach. Last year, he put together his own science fair project and went through the whole competition and ended up placing 3rd place. I almost had a heart attack when the judges told me that he was extremely articulate and clear when they questioned him about his project. They said he did a great job with that, however, he wouldn't go up front to get his trophy when the time came. He was the only child that didn't run up there to get it.

 

I do struggle (only lately though... I guess since he's getting older) and wonder if he should be in school. But, I really want to homeschool and my DH is very clear on the fact that he wants him at home. My DH is also very introverted and he says if you are not, you can't really understand it. He says he understands our son and he'll do anything he can to keep him out of a regular school. He has nothing but bad memories of being in school and he was picked on and bullied terribly.

[JFSinIL]

Your kid sounds like....ME as a kid! I would have LOVED to homeschool - school was a misery to me! Do NOT send her - she would be miserable! Yes - make her attend an outside program once a week - it is a start. A full week of daily classes may be too much at present. If you insist- stay yourself the first few times, for a hour or so, until it is familiar to her. Be patient.

[Claire]

she has never liked loud noises. She covers her ears and sort of cowers if she thinks something will be too loud.

 

A therapy that has a pretty good track record for normalizing responsiveness to sound is TLP. This is a sound therapy program that involves listening to specially modified classical music for 15 minutes a day. It stimulates and conditions the entire auditory system. The program is available from online providers for about $325. Rocky Mountain is one provider.

[OhM]

Does she have other quirks? Hmm... she has never liked loud noises. She covers her ears and sort of cowers if she thinks something will be too loud. She has no problem being loud herself though. She is very afraid of aliens. She has trouble sleeping at night due to fears although this is getting better. She is anxious. She is very RIGID. This drives me absolutely crazy. It serves her well for accomplishing things but it can be a big problem in our household. She is so stubborn but she can listen to reason. She is BOSSY and sometimes mean to her sister.

 

Luckily for her she has many more positive qualities. She has such a good ear/ memory for music and most every little past event. She is smart, a good student and a natural speller. She is very pretty. Most obvious is that she is funny and the life of most parties/get togethers. So when she is comfortable with the situation she will make everybody laugh. She is much more than that but I'll stop there.

 

I don't know if that helps paint more of a picture of her. Thanks for any more input.

 

I love my daughter and I want to do what is right for her.

 

My dd attended ps for K & 1st - did not initiate one single conversation with the K teacher the entire year!!! The 1st grade teacher made a concerted effort to "reach" her, so she was much more comfortable with her, but she still went to school terrified every day, and frequently complained of stomach aches in the afternoon - even though she had friends, did well at her work, and LOVED the teacher.

 

When we pulled her out, we heard from so many people that we were doing her a disservice - her "socialization", you know. Instead, the opposite happened - within the first year, nearly everyone we know (family, church, even old school friends) were commenting about how much she had "come out of her shell".

 

So you already have this impression, but I just wanted to chime in - she's probably doing better since she is homeschooled than she would have done in school!

 

As for pushing her to try new things - we also do this with dd. And she often ends up enjoying the new things immensely. I think these experiences have helped her overall. In fact, I can't think of a negative. I say do it! (FWIW:))

[kjprice]

I've had this experience. Just recently, both of my kids decided they DID NOT want to participate in 4-H anymore. They enjoyed it at first, but it just didn't align with where they are heading, so I let them drop it. They had given it 2+ years and that was enough for me to feel that they knew what they wanted to do.

 

I'm not sure that I have an answer for you, but as she approaches her teen years, I think I'd let her have more of a say in what she participates in. Kids have to learn to make their own decisions and their own mistakes.

 

I wish you the best. Parenting is hard sometimes!

[Laurel]

Check out this book: The Highly Senstive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them. I've enjoyed it, and it has helped me understand myself and the almost 5 year old I care for.

 

If you are the same personality type (I am as well), the same author wrote another book: The Highly Sensitive Person. I haven't read this one, though I probably should.

 

Even as an adult, I struggle to force myself to do new things. (This is huge progress, though, as I am forcing myself, rather than being pushed by my mother.) I have learned to focus on the accomplishment of actually trying something new, rather than how well (or poorly) I actually did it.

 

Baby steps. Push a little bit more each time, and hopefully it will get a bit easier. Offer lots of encouragement for trying new things, and putting herself out there. And be very understanding. She doesn't want to make things difficult, things are just very hard and overwhelming for her. And homeschooling is definitely not ruining her. :)

[Joanne]

In the past we have signed her up for things against her wishes thinking it was for her own good. It has always turned out that she enjoyed the activity once she finally participated in it. Now some of these are things she really enjoys doing.

 

Part of me wonders if by having her homeschool we are letting her stay in her comfort zone and maybe that isn't doing her a favor in the long run. I don't know. She is adamant that she will never go to school again. She says she will take college classes online. I think if we ever did sign her up for school, the police would have to come and forcibly remove her and take her to school.

 

My dd is like that. She has a negative first reaction to events, settings and situations that involve others and particularly those that involve being away from me.

 

We have also experienced that she is eventually "fine" and enjoys those activities.

 

I remind, coach, console her each time. But I do insist she go, try and do. She nearly ALWAYS ends up continuing, happily.

 

Not homeschooling her, however, would be a mistake. Homeschooling didn't create this in her. It does provide a safe setting in which she can BE her.

[Georgie]

They are 11 and 9. I don't ask, I just do. After they have participated once, then they get to decide if it is something they want to continue. Until they have participated or experienced it, they have nothing to base their decision on other than, "I don't want to."

 

My son who thought he preferred books to sports found out that he likes to play baseball. After a season he chose not to continue not because he "did not want to," but because he found the sport to be on the slow side. He had experience in the game to base his opinion on. He found out that he loves to play basketball. He isn't the best on the court, doesn't have as much experience as some of the players, but he found out that he wants to see if he can become a better player.

 

It used to be when we went to the park after five minutes they would come to me and say there was no one that wanted to play with them even though there were lots of kids around. I finally made a deal with them. If they would walk up and ask 3 different kids to play tag and no one wanted to play we could leave. We have yet to leave early. By the third kid, they have always found kids to play with. They now realize that most of the kids there are also scared to ask someone to play.

 

It takes courage for my son to step forward out of his shell, but each time he does I can see him stand up a little taller. He still hesitates, but now that he has a bunch of positive things to remember that came out of stepping forward, it doesn't take him as long to warm up.

[Carpe Diem]

Thank you to everyone who posted and shared about their experiences.

It really did help to hear everyone say to not push dc to go back to school. I am going to let my husband read my post and all of your replies. I really was wondering if hsing was causing this to develop in her. If I would have kept her in school after first grade she would have adjusted by now. etc.

 

Thank you so much. I will be rereading your replies again. Can we get a support group going? :001_smile: