Do you ever just feel judged by everyone?

[Julpost]

I am the very definition of a people pleaser I'm afraid. I feel like I have to have it together, all my ducks in a row, all of the time, or at least make it appear like I do...it's exhausting and depressing. I know I shouldn't care what people think, I just like to make a good impression and not give people a reason to discourage me. When I'm outside, I feel like my neighbor is not pleased that our yard is such a mess (even though I'm working on it by raking and picking up all of the dead branches). When I'm inside, I know how much of a mess my house is and because I'm busy with a 3 yo and 1 yo, I just can not clean it right now, so I walk around all of the toys and ignore the messes on every single surface and fantasize about cleaning up. Then when I finally do get the house nice and clean (to where I would be comfortable having anyone over) I'm snarky with the kids to "not mess it up". My van is a mess, I have no clean laundry, I'm behind on the bills.

 

Ok and on top of this...I want to hs my 3 oldest next year? I am 95% sure that this is what we should do. But when I have days like today, I wonder at the wisdom of hsing for our family. It's funny because when people first meet me and for a little while afterwards until they come to my 1960's messy house...they think I have it all together because my kids and I are always dressed nicely (even though it's usually the last clean thing in our closets), we're happy, and we're well groomed. It has actually given us ladies a good laugh a time or two. But it's embarrassing because even though I laugh about it and try to appear humble....I'm not humble, I'm humiliated because I can sense the judgement. Is a pride issue? I know I need to prioritize and pick the better things (think Jesus' response to Martha regarding Mary) but I don't think I'm a good witness...there are more unbelievers around here who manage their households better than I do.

 

Either I need a bigger house or I need to get reacquainted with Flylady! Maybe I just need to go to bed and start over tomorrow.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

and then see that they live in a messy house....

 

I make FAST FRIENDS of that person and extend to them an open invitation to drop by for coffee at my (messy) house ANYTIME.:001_smile:

 

Is there a Smiley for Coffee-Lover?

 

Really, don't feel bad for not being able to do it all. You are not alone and I'm sure I'd feel right at home with you.

 

K

[my2kidsmom]

Believe me, you're not the only one. Well, I do have clean laundry (at least for now:D). It really does me good to see your post so I don't feel like I'm the only one!

 

I know how you feel about the "being judged" thing. However, mine is that my kids are loud and don't always mind.

[Dawn E]

You are not alone. :001_smile: Thankfully we live out in the country so people rarely drop by unannounced. I am glad that I give off an organized vibe, but I'm the first to admit I am very far from having it all together.

 

Homeschooling at the Speed of Life is very encouraging and helpful. This is my favorite quote from the book so far:

The measure for functional neatness is neat enough to be peaceful and messy enough to be happy.

 

Another quote of hers--Marilyn Rockett--that I like is: People are more important than things, but things out of control hinder our relationships with people.

 

We're all works in progress. Baby steps. Don't let the guilt paralyze you. That is often my problem, along with being overwhelmed and not knowing where to begin.

[Doran]

I am the very definition of a people pleaser I'm afraid. I feel like I have to have it together, all my ducks in a row, all of the time, or at least make it appear like I do...it's exhausting and depressing. I know I shouldn't care what people think, I just like to make a good impression and not give people a reason to discourage me.

 

 

[snip].... it's embarrassing because even though I laugh about it and try to appear humble....I'm not humble, I'm humiliated because I can sense the judgement. Is a pride issue? I know I need to prioritize and pick the better things (think Jesus' response to Martha regarding Mary) but I don't think I'm a good witness...there are more unbelievers around here who manage their households better than I do.

 

Either I need a bigger house or I need to get reacquainted with Flylady! Maybe I just need to go to bed and start over tomorrow.

 

 

Julpost --

 

I had a conversation today with a friend of mine who was on the verge of tears throughout our nearly hour long conversation. Why tears? Because her sink was full of dirty dishes, she has so much work to do she can't keep up, she feels she's doing a lousy job homeschooling her TWO, and what she really wants most is to be able to just live, take walks, play games, and enjoy this time with her kids. We weren't even standing in her messy kitchen during our conversation. She was having all these feelings while away from home, knowing what she'd left behind which was undone and not up to her "standards". Your situations are not dissimilar. She is feeling judgement from her extended family where yours is from neighbors and friends. But, (here's a key point coming...are you paying attention?) ultimately, the guilt came from within!

 

You do know that expression "We are our own worst critic", yes? That's what I read between the lines of your post. I'm a people pleaser too. I like to be stroked with positive feedback. I want people to see me as cool, collected, organized, together. A minor mess in my house can suddenly seem like a complete disaster if someone unexpected comes by. But, you know what? The guilt comes from me, not from the unexpected visitor. I do that to myself because my expectations are for something closer to perfection than to reality. Sure, there are times when I have it all together - actually quite a lot of them. But, there are also times when I'm a crazy mess. Most often, I'm something in between. All of those faces are the real me. I'm guessing you're the same, a mix of holding it together, falling apart, and just making it all work.

 

Please go a little easier on yourself. You have so much on your plate. If your neighbor or your "friends" are truly judging you for the things you've mentioned, then phooey on them. They don't have any business calling you a friend, imo, nor should you worry one iota about pleasing any person with such skewed values. If, on the other hand, you are your own worst critic, then stop it! :D Write down all the many accomplishments you make in any given day. If you have energy or time, tackle one project a day that you've been postponing - this could be as simple as picking up toys, or running a load of wash - and do that. Get your older children on a schedule of helping you. Adjust your activity load, if you haven't already, to include only those tasks which are essential *and* which are feeding you in a positive way. Let go of others.

 

I think most of us have walked in your shoes. I know I have. Hopefully the day will seem brighter tomorrow.

 

Oh, and one last thing, said with all respect. What on earth does being a good witness have to do with keeping a clean house??? Sorry, but you really got to get over that one! :)

 

 

(((Julpost)))

[Sue G in PA]

They live next door and have one little boy (2 yo) and another on the way. I see them looking down their noses at us sometimes when my kids are all outside playing, climbing trees, building treehouses that look more like broken down shacks, fighting, riding bikes in the street (we live on a very, very quiet and not oft traveled street), my 2yo climbing the tree right behind her older brother, etc. I'm sure they have quite interesting dinner conversations about us! But, you know what? I don't give a hoot! Used to, but now? Wanna judge me...go right ahead! Be ye judged by the same measure you judge others (my paraphrase).

 

You are not alone. My house is in a constant state of CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome), toys everywhere, books everywhere, floor not swept or seen a mop in a month, dust covering every surface, kitchen counter marginally clean (I'm a bit of a neat-freak in this area b/c of the ant problem), table always covered w/ books, dishes, etc. My laundry is mostly caught up on b/c I don't want my mom to have to do it when she comes to help w/ the baby. Our carpet is nasty-stained, furniture torn and stained, etc. We would be great friends! You can only do what you can do. Oh, and being a good witness is so much more than keeping a clean home. God is a God of order, yes. But He is also a God of REALISM! Try not to stress. It won't always be like this! :D

[beansprouts]

They live next door and have one little boy (2 yo) and another on the way. I see them looking down their noses at us sometimes when my kids are all outside playing, climbing trees, building treehouses that look more like broken down shacks, fighting, riding bikes in the street (we live on a very, very quiet and not oft traveled street), my 2yo climbing the tree right behind her older brother, etc. I'm sure they have quite interesting dinner conversations about us!

 

As a parent of an only child, I knew it all too!!

 

Than I had my ds...

 

Their time will come, Mama, just smile and wait. One day they will understand:grouphug:

 

And as for laundry, I have no problem keeping mine clean. Folding and putting away is another story... :banghead:

[homeschoolmom]

Absolutely....all the time. Most of all by myself and some notion I have of that perfect me I'd like to be.

 

5 kids and your house is a little messy but you're outwardly organized? Wow - good for you, seriously. I think you should give yourself a gold star.

 

And those snarky people that look down their noses - let 'em. 10 to 1 they've got bigger dustbunnies (or skeletons) in their closets.

[jail warden]

Doran that is so true!!! The other person often doesn't think too much about it, it's US!!!

 

I am the same way and this post was soooo encouraging! I often tend to think I should be able to do way more than is actually possible and then wonder why I can't get it all done!

 

I've been trying to remind myself (and I think you should too:001_smile:) that just because so and so does this great, doesn't mean you have to too! Everyone has different things going on in their lives. So and so might have her husband home more or may not be homeschooling.

 

It's so hard, but remember the grace that God gives is meant for you too! That means don't be so hard on yourself, the mercy you would show someone else in this same situation, show it to yourself!

 

HTH!