What to do with the child who refuses to do on her own?

[mommy4ever]

DD11 is having issues.

 

She refuses to try on her own. Answering questions that are posed with part of the actual answer in them. Easy to find in the text. I am getting the "I don't understand." When she's asked to re-read, she cries.

 

I had just helped her, she had to write her response. I had literally walked to the other side of the table and sat down with dd6, and she said I don't understand the questions. I asked her to put an effort and try again. She started to carry on and on and on.

 

I have told her to put her books away for the day. She is upstairs howling.

 

I don't know how to deal with this. This is exactly where we left off last year.

 

I am trying to keep my cool here. But there is literally no effort on her part.

[Hedgehog]

Oh dear, that sounds very difficult. :grouphug:

 

I'm wondering whether there are any other issues? Emotional? Social? Desire to go PS on her part?

 

It depends very much on how you discipline and motivate your kids. I'd be inclined to pull all the stops out to try and motivate her first, rewarding her for the smallest achievements and build up. If that really didn't work, after some time, I'd probably discipline for the refusal to try. But that's just me and what I know would work for my dc. I do hope you can work this one out.

[mommy4ever]

She doesn't want to go to school. She isn't lacking in comprehension. She reads and spells about grade level. But if it requires thought, that it isn't instantaneous, she gives up.

 

I'm beyond frustrated. We had some issues with the younger child. But now after talking with her, she is fine. Minimal resistance to trying. If frustration mounts, it's a couple minute break and she is good. The older one fights to the bone. I don't know what to do with her.

[thowell]

Is she like this is other areas of life besides just HS?

[mystika1]

I have issues similar to yours in that I can't leave the table for a second or learning comes to a halt. It is maddening at times to say the least. I only have one doing real school right now so it is not as difficult to deal with. I sit between my children so I have constant access to both kids. I have to realllllllly do back bends to get my 3 year old to stop talking while my attention is on my oldest(7). I basicly plant myself in that spot until school is over. My daughter asks for "recess" but I tell her that as long as I have to sit right next to her for her to get her work done she will have to do all work in one sitting. It may sound bad but I can't even fold clothes next to her while she does a math worksheet or she will completely stop working. If I can't break, she can't break. It is as simple as that.

 

HTH,

 

Penny

[kwickimom]

My DD8 tried that on me the first few weeks of school. She justs wants attention. all.the.time. I just got mean :D

I wrote out a schedule and showed her what times she will be expected to work alone and what times i will work with her. If she has questions about her independent work, then she must mark the problem with a post it tab and after she has completed all the rest of the work I will help her. If I paused to help her everytime, it was over very simple stuff and it was just for attention. With this new system in order she rarely needs help :glare:

[In The Great White North]

Dd13 doesn't do much without me either. I think it's part of her personality (that she is the youngest and really likes the attention.) Both dd's compete for my attention, and when they need it, it always takes me a few minutes to change gears and read whatever it is they were doing (alg II, bio, physics, etc). It was easier to switch back and forth when they were younger!

 

I hesitate to cut it off though, because I see this closeness is one of the benefits of homeschooling. One day they will be gone, and I will miss it.

[5LittleMonkeys]

My dd has been like this in the past and will occasionally try to control me by using this method still. She would come completely unglued when required to infer or extrapolate any original thought. Then if I could get her to articulate a response she would fall apart if I asked her to write it down. I spent lots and lots of time doing copywork, narration and dictation with her. I spent a lot of time having her dictate her answer to me then I would write it down and then have her copy what I wrote. We still do WWE. In the beginning I would have to start sentences for her and have her just fill in the last part of the sentence. I would gush and praise about what a good answer that was and it gave her a lot of confidence. I don't know what single part or combination finally helped her but she is much better now.

 

With my dd it stemmed mostly around being required to write longer responses. Part of my dd's problem was that she was afraid of her response being wrong so I had to spend a lot of time overlooking less than great responses and just praising some part of the response. I also spent a lot of time teaching her how to do key word outlines which seems to have helped her be able to pick out the most important information within a text.

 

I believe it was partly a control thing, partly a habit and partly because she really didn't have the skills to accomplish what I was asking her to do. I explained to her that her refusal to even try to answer and her behavior were unacceptable but that I was going to help her gain the skills to be able to accomplish what she needed to do. I did tell her though that once we embarked on that extra training, that refusal or bad behavior stemming from not wanting to put in an effort would be met with loss of privileges and additional skill building work.

 

We still have those more difficult assignments where I see her start to twist up her face in preparation to pitch a fit but usually all it takes is for me to ask her if she needs to take a moment to adjust her attitude before we begin. Sometimes she will go scream in a pillow and rarely she persists and gets sent to her room but most of the time she will collect herself and get through it. I'm proud of the progress she has made because she really, truly does not like anything academic. She would much rather spend all of her time wallowing in art and craft activities.

 

Hope you find something that works soon because I know how frustrating it can be.:grouphug:

[robsiew]

My dd has been like this in the past and will occasionally try to control me by using this method still. She would come completely unglued when required to infer or extrapolate any original thought. Then if I could get her to articulate a response she would fall apart if I asked her to write it down. I spent lots and lots of time doing copywork, narration and dictation with her. I spent a lot of time having her dictate her answer to me then I would write it down and then have her copy what I wrote. We still do WWE. In the beginning I would have to start sentences for her and have her just fill in the last part of the sentence. I would gush and praise about what a good answer that was and it gave her a lot of confidence. I don't know what single part or combination finally helped her but she is much better now.

 

With my dd it stemmed mostly around being required to write longer responses. Part of my dd's problem was that she was afraid of her response being wrong so I had to spend a lot of time overlooking less than great responses and just praising some part of the response. I also spent a lot of time teaching her how to do key word outlines which seems to have helped her be able to pick out the most important information within a text.

 

I believe it was partly a control thing, partly a habit and partly because she really didn't have the skills to accomplish what I was asking her to do. I explained to her that her refusal to even try to answer and her behavior were unacceptable but that I was going to help her gain the skills to be able to accomplish what she needed to do. I did tell her though that once we embarked on that extra training, that refusal or bad behavior stemming from not wanting to put in an effort would be met with loss of privileges and additional skill building work.

 

We still have those more difficult assignments where I see her start to twist up her face in preparation to pitch a fit but usually all it takes is for me to ask her if she needs to take a moment to adjust her attitude before we begin. Sometimes she will go scream in a pillow and rarely she persists and gets sent to her room but most of the time she will collect herself and get through it. I'm proud of the progress she has made because she really, truly does not like anything academic. She would much rather spend all of her time wallowing in art and craft activities.

 

Hope you find something that works soon because I know how frustrating it can be.:grouphug:

 

Wow, I could have written this post! I have a couple like this!!! One is a perfectionist, afraid he will be "wrong" and the other just doesn't want to do anything that involves "thinking!" I agree with the hand holding to a certain point and then backing off slowly... requiring more and more as time goes on. That is the route I take with mine who are like this and it works. It's slow, but it works. With my eldest I'm starting this year to slowly transition him into 5th grade work because there's no way I can "drop the bomb" of logic stage expectations on him next year and expect him to succeed! I started by having him set up a science experiment last week (by himself) and he had a total meltdown! So much for starting him to be independent! But, we'll get there... :grouphug: to you... I think there must be more of us than we think dealing with this! Slow and steady wins the race I'm afraid....