S/O Aspie Relationships... High Expections... Marriage

[specialmama]

So, who is married to an aspie?

I'm having a very difficult time with my dh in regards to his high expectations. I had never thought of that aspect as being part of the aspie thing, I just assumed it was OCD in addition to aspergers. Anyhow, my dh is wonderful, he loves us and spends much time with the kids. But he has these high expectations for very silly things. They're molehills iykwim, they're just constantly brought out and things are mentioned and it's so tiring. I'm a happy person, joyful, optimistic... but it seems that these things sometimes do drag me down. And I see what it's doing to my dd. Poor kid. Her shoulders drop and her face falls. I'm afraid she may begin to think she can't do anything right because xyz (insert insanely silly thing here, like leaving a bit of cat food from the can in the sink after it's rinsed, or wiping down the table the wrong way... just silly molehills) and although I've talked to him many, many times, it just comes back. I've told him to pick his battles, to build up instead of tearing down, to not sweat the small stuff, to stop it because she's either going to grow up being a perfectionist or she's just going to stop trying: why bother. She's a super kid. She's got a heart of gold for others, is always trying her best and is just an all around sweetheart. But I do fear what these little natterings may do to her. I feel the weight on me, and I'm an adult. I struggle and I'm naturally happy. If I'm well equipped and struggle sometimes, what about her?

Ugh.

So there. For those of you who are married to an aspie, or those who are aspies, what can I do? How can I effectively mediate this? Are there any magic words that can reach him?

[Food4Thought]

:grouphug: I have a young aspie, and I have to tell you that this line of yours cracked me up: "I've told him to pick his battles, to build up instead of tearing down, to not sweat the small stuff." Are you using this exact terminology? Because none of the other Aspies I know have *any* clue how to interpret idioms. :D My son would be wondering why we were talking about battle, ask what we were tearing down, and wouldn't understand a thing about the sweat issue. Talk about molehills. :lol:

 

My dad has recently discovered that he has many Asperger's traits (he's been tested since finding out about my son), and I remember one of the best things my mom did for me was to do all that building up you're talking about. Maybe if you talk with your daughter about how her dad sees the world differently than she does might help both of them learn to cope with one another?

[specialmama]

Oh gee, I guess I should have clarified a few things! I am sorry! You are right, most aspies don't get idioms at all. I'm fortunate in that my dh has learned and adjusted to much of what society calls "normal" and he does get idioms. Old ones, anyhow. He does not get that what he's picking on is *not* that important, and not worth bickering about.

 

Yes, that building up thing is always going on. :D

So, um, your dad was Aspie then, and your mom built you up. Did you dad bicker and have you do these stupid little things that weren't that important? Did you feel torn down like you couldn't do anything right? And um... how did you turn out? :bigear: Asking seriously here.. but it sounds kinda funny. :tongue_smilie:

[Carrie12345]

I don't know how well a grown man would take to my style, but I can tell you what I do with my hormonal 12yo ds. (:001_huh:)

 

1. I urge him to tell me *why* something is upsetting him so much. Does he feel ignored? Disrespected? Inconvenienced? Or is he simply cranky?

 

2. I ask him whether it's easier and happier to complain about it, or simply take the initiative to handle it himself.

 

3. I ask him, if it doesn't get handled, what will the outcome be? Will someone get hurt? Will something get damaged? Will it *truly* bother him for a long time, or is it realistically a low priority? Does it have to be handled right now (and, if so, can he just do it?), or is it reasonable for another person to take care of it in a little while?

 

He reacts without thinking through. Getting him to take the time to think through often brings him to a more reasonable conclusion, and many times allows him to take the initiative to resolve an issue on his own.

[Food4Thought]

Yes, that building up thing is always going on. :D

So, um, your dad was Aspie then, and your mom built you up. Did you dad bicker and have you do these stupid little things that weren't that important? Did you feel torn down like you couldn't do anything right? And um... how did you turn out? :bigear: Asking seriously here.. but it sounds kinda funny. :tongue_smilie:

 

I will admit that he was hard to live with. He had a brutal schedule that involved a lot of housework on Saturdays - I was often out laying cement to exact specifications, building walls, laying down sod, weeding, etc with him. Yes, there were definitely times when I couldn't do *anything* right. He has poured water on my head or "boxed" my ears for not doing things up to his standards. I got straight As and scored higher on my SATs than he did, and he never ONCE said he was proud of me or gave me any hint that I was doing well (he was offended by my SAT score and went on and on about how it must have been a different test :tongue_smilie:). He never seemed to understand that I was a girl with feelings, and I remember there was a lot of drama when I was a teenager.

 

I turned out just fine. In fact, I have a better relationship with my dad now than I do with my mom (for many reasons, including that I had to mother my mom through her alcoholism). As adults, it is much easier for us to get along. However, we both have similar personalities too - I'm an INTJ - so I suppose that helps.

 

I didn't know he had Asperger's then. Now I do. Now, a lot of the things he did make a lot more sense to me, and I do *not* take it personally. I do wish I had understood him better long ago. Maybe it would have helped me not wish for some Hollywood father/daughter relationship that would never happen. Maybe it would have helped me better relate to my father when I still lived under his roof. I don't know. Of course, I didn't understand anyone, not even myself, when I was a teenager, so that might just be wishful thinking. :glare:

 

Honestly, I have no idea how to change an Aspie. I hope someone else here will be able to offer good advice for things you can say to DH to help him ease up on your daughter. Maybe you can teach him the "sandwich rule" - for every negative thing he says, he has to say two positive things - things he likes about your DD. And enforce it! I'll definitely be praying for you, because I know it's hard to live with. :grouphug::grouphug:

[specialmama]

I don't know how well a grown man would take to my style, but I can tell you what I do with my hormonal 12yo ds. (:001_huh:)

 

1. I urge him to tell me *why* something is upsetting him so much. Does he feel ignored? Disrespected? Inconvenienced? Or is he simply cranky?

 

2. I ask him whether it's easier and happier to complain about it, or simply take the initiative to handle it himself.

 

3. I ask him, if it doesn't get handled, what will the outcome be? Will someone get hurt? Will something get damaged? Will it *truly* bother him for a long time, or is it realistically a low priority? Does it have to be handled right now (and, if so, can he just do it?), or is it reasonable for another person to take care of it in a little while?

 

He reacts without thinking through. Getting him to take the time to think through often brings him to a more reasonable conclusion, and many times allows him to take the initiative to resolve an issue on his own.

 

Thank you, Carrie. I like the questions you ask him.

 

I will admit that he was hard to live with. He had a brutal schedule that involved a lot of housework on Saturdays - I was often out laying cement to exact specifications, building walls, laying down sod, weeding, etc with him. Yes, there were definitely times when I couldn't do *anything* right. He has poured water on my head or "boxed" my ears for not doing things up to his standards. I got straight As and scored higher on my SATs than he did, and he never ONCE said he was proud of me or gave me any hint that I was doing well (he was offended by my SAT score and went on and on about how it must have been a different test :tongue_smilie:). He never seemed to understand that I was a girl with feelings, and I remember there was a lot of drama when I was a teenager.

 

I turned out just fine. In fact, I have a better relationship with my dad now than I do with my mom (for many reasons, including that I had to mother my mom through her alcoholism). As adults, it is much easier for us to get along. However, we both have similar personalities too - I'm an INTJ - so I suppose that helps.

 

I didn't know he had Asperger's then. Now I do. Now, a lot of the things he did make a lot more sense to me, and I do *not* take it personally. I do wish I had understood him better long ago. Maybe it would have helped me not wish for some Hollywood father/daughter relationship that would never happen. Maybe it would have helped me better relate to my father when I still lived under his roof. I don't know. Of course, I didn't understand anyone, not even myself, when I was a teenager, so that might just be wishful thinking. :glare:

 

Honestly, I have no idea how to change an Aspie. I hope someone else here will be able to offer good advice for things you can say to DH to help him ease up on your daughter. Maybe you can teach him the "sandwich rule" - for every negative thing he says, he has to say two positive things - things he likes about your DD. And enforce it! I'll definitely be praying for you, because I know it's hard to live with. :grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thank you, Amy. I have done the sandwich rule and it sort of works for a while. I think I'll bring that one up again, but maybe make it a triple decker sandwich. hee hee. I'm glad to hear that you have a great relationship with your dad now, that is very reassuring. Thank you for taking the time to respond. :001_smile:

[Tea 4 Three]

I think you might be interested in the material developed by Michelle Garcia Winner that addresses Social Thinking and Understanding. It is a cognitive approach to explaining to individuals other's perspectives, thoughts and feelings. It is excellent, and in my opinion ground breaking in the field of Autism Spectrum Disorders. I am currently using much of the material myself as I facilitate Social Thinking Groups for elementary age students through adults and find it so effective.

[specialmama]

I think you might be interested in the material developed by Michelle Garcia Winner that addresses Social Thinking and Understanding. It is a cognitive approach to explaining to individuals other's perspectives, thoughts and feelings. It is excellent, and in my opinion ground breaking in the field of Autism Spectrum Disorders. I am currently using much of the material myself as I facilitate Social Thinking Groups for elementary age students through adults and find it so effective.

 

Thank you! I will look for this. My son has severe autism and so I'm always looking to increase my understanding in that area. The fact that it could help our whole family is a huge bonus! Off to see if our library has it!

[sparrow]

I'm not married to an Aspie, but I have a ds on the spectrum and now that I'm familiar with it, I'm quite certain my dad is, too.

 

My dad did hurt me quite a bit growing up, as in I couldn't ever do anything right. A specific instance I remember was getting all A's and one B on a report card and the first thing my dad said was, "What happened with this B?". The affect this has had on me as an adult is that I'm not a risk taker and I worry a lot about trying new things. I'm so afraid I'll do something wrong :(. My mom was always my advocate. Please try to build your daughter up when he tears her down....but don't do it in the heat of the moment.

 

I still have a strained relationship with my dad. I am always trying to please him. A few months ago, I took the time to write it all out and it really felt like a turning point in how I've dealt with him from that point forward. I also see how important it is to try and help my ds see that he is being over critical of mostly himself now, but I know it can/will also relate to others. It seems almost impossible to do. His brain simply does not work they way mine does. In the meantime, my dad *is* softening with age and has actually admitted he was wrong about something recently :001_smile:.

[ccmom]

I'm not married to an Aspie, but I have a ds on the spectrum and now that I'm familiar with it, I'm quite certain my dad is, too.

 

I still have a strained relationship with my dad. I am always trying to please him. A few months ago, I took the time to write it all out and it really felt like a turning point in how I've dealt with him from that point forward. I also see how important it is to try and help my ds see that he is being over critical of mostly himself now, but I know it can/will also relate to others. It seems almost impossible to do. His brain simply does not work they way mine does. In the meantime, my dad *is* softening with age and has actually admitted he was wrong about something recently :001_smile:.

 

I can relate to this post! My father was/is the very same way, but he is "softening" with age, as you said. I often wonder if my dad is an aspie. My mom built me up all the time and had a very hard time being married to my dad. At a young age I had to learn to accept my dad as he is and remind myself that he loves me even though he doesn't show it very well. To this day, I remind myself of this. Somehow I had to just *know* without my dad changing or understanding how hurtful he was. I don't have any advice, just experience.