Preparing for new sibling- advice needed!

[MeaganS]

My daughter just turned 2 a few weeks ago. I'm due with our second daughter in a week and a half. An experience today left me very concerned, though, so I thought I'd share and ask advice.

 

We went to a play date a playground and one of the other moms asked if I would hold her 3 month old for a few minutes while she used the restroom. I said sure. As soon as he was in my arms, though, dd totally freaked out. She came over, started crying hysterically, and started grabbing my arm and scratching me. She has never been physical with anyone in her anger before, so this was a very extreme reaction for her. She seemed to have no anger towards the actual baby, just me for daring to hold him. As soon as I gave him back (after the mom came back), she was fine, although a little less happy than before the incident. Then for the next 10 minutes she would randomly come up to me and say "all done baby" and smile.

 

She's always been very attached to me and I knew that she would have some jealousy issues when we brought the baby home, but I didn't realize it would be that extreme. A few days ago we were watching some of her old videos from when she was little and she got jealous and mad at me then too (I guess she thought it was another baby?), although not nearly like this morning. So now I'm wracking my brain trying to think if there's anything I can do to help make this easier for her and I don't think there is. Books on siblings and dolls and talking to her go right over her head. Her verbal skills are very limited and she doesn't really understand. I'm not sure there's any preparing her for what's coming, and I'm sad because I know what it's going to be like as soon as my husband brings her to visit at the hospital. She's going to throw a fit.

 

So, do any of you have advice on how to deal with this? Or at least some encouragement telling me that she'll be all right and get over it quickly? She's really a happy girl in general and I love having her around and it makes me sad to think she'll be that mad.

[abbeyej]

When you say that books on siblings and baby dolls and such "go over her head"... Have you tried? I mean, at this age, even a month makes a *huge* difference in awareness and understanding. If you tried to tell her about what's going on a couple of months or even a few weeks ago and got discouraged and gave up... Well, I'd just encourage you to start talking about it with her a *lot*. Sure, she won't get it completely. But she'll understand more than she did a week ago. And worlds more than she did a couple of months ago.

 

Talk about the baby in Mommy's tummy. Talk about how you will hold the baby. If you have two baby dolls (or even stuffed animals, etc, around the house) have practice time where you hold and nurture the baby and tell her to wait "just a moment" while you nurse the "baby" or change it's diaper. Insist that she be patient -- for whatever very short time you can ask of her, even if it's just 10-15 seconds right now. Then put the "baby" down in a safe spot and shower her with affection and attention for a few minutes.

 

Tell her about the baby in your tummy. Ask her to sing a song with you for the baby. Pat your tummy gently because we're gentle with babies... Tell her that the baby will come out soon.

 

And give her lots of snuggles of her own.

 

But she may be a little jealous at first. It's okay. She needs to know that you will meet her needs *and* the baby's needs -- that neither she nor the baby are the center of the universe. Sometimes she'll have to wait. But she'll still get snuggles and love and all the things she needs.

 

And her understanding and her patience will grow. Exponentially. But don't panic if she doesn't think the baby is the greatest thing ever at first. ;)

[susancollins]

When my third child was born. I gave my older two children who were 4 and 2 at the time, a present from the new baby. This seemed to help them feel better and not feel so left out. My mother got my a baby and a stroller and she showed me how to take care of my "baby" that made me feel better when my brother was born. You can show her how to be gentle and explain although you have a new baby you still love her and that will never change. You can get some great books at the library to prepare children for new siblings. Hope this helps. I have been there so I completely understand.

[Guest Alte Veste Academy]

When you say that books on siblings and baby dolls and such "go over her head"... Have you tried? I mean, at this age, even a month makes a *huge* difference in awareness and understanding. If you tried to tell her about what's going on a couple of months or even a few weeks ago and got discouraged and gave up... Well, I'd just encourage you to start talking about it with her a *lot*. Sure, she won't get it completely. But she'll understand more than she did a week ago. And worlds more than she did a couple of months ago.

 

Yes! My kids are only 19 months apart and I read, read, read. It helped to the point where we honestly didn't have any sibling jealousy (although I will say that my 2nd and 3rd children were incredible sleepers so that helped, obviously). I showed them Hello Baby! and the I'm a Big Brother/Sister books over and over and bought them dolls and accessories so they could care for their babies while I cared for the new baby. Enormously helpful!

[Susan in TX]

I have had incidents when my toddlers got upset about me holding someone else's baby, but they never acted like that when it was their own sibling.

 

The best thing that I have found to reduce jealousy is to include the toddler as much as possible. She may not be so jealous if she thinks of the baby as *her* baby brother/sister. Also, she might benefit from having her own baby doll to take care of while you are taking care of the baby.

 

And it helps if you can manage to juggle holding her and the baby on your lap at the same time. (At least that was my experience with two of mine that are 18 months apart.)

 

Susan in TX

[Starr]

There's room for both of them on your lap. :) She'll be talking and doing more things on her own soon. I was surprised how my ds was the one that had to fit into the family. Dd 2 was still in charge. lol. Take the advice of the other posters and talk to her about your baby but be matter of fact. It will work out. I always felt that it wasn't any harder on a sibling than the adults to have a new baby. Things will change but it will be the new normal quickly. Just keep your cool when she throws toys in the crib for the baby to play with!

[Joanne]

When your new one is born, remind yourself often that you have 2 babies; one is just bigger. It's very common to have elevated and accelerated expectations of the older child when you have a new baby, especially if you are going from 1 to 2. It happens at just the time that your older child thinks little looks better.

 

Some families find it's helpful to avoid "big girl" and "big boy" phrasing. For one, it always contextualizes your older child through the baby. Second, it puts pressure on your oldest to be "big" and she might want to be "little".

 

Make it safe for your older child to have mixed feelings. Don't over-praise interaction, words of love, affection. Talk to your dd honestly that babies are fun, cuddly and interesting. AND that they are smelly, noisy and don't really do much that is fun. Let her know that her feelings - all of them - are normal and that you will help her act appropriately no matter what her feelings are.

 

Some families find that they have to impose a "no touch" rule on babies for very young siblings because the touch that starts as "affection" quickly deteriorates into aggression expressing mixed feelings.