Mommyfaithe Posted April 14, 2008 Share Posted April 14, 2008 and it seems to have gotten buried, and I would really love to discuss this more at length. I have older children at home and it is a real struggle to find balance as to where they should be taking on adult responsibilities, where they should be given privileges that are age appropriate and responsibilities that are necessary for maturity. Having been one of those kids (and dh too) who was OUT and working and had our own family quite young, we have no model to follow. With our oldest, we had a bit of inconsistency due to lack of straight out rules. Now, I am seeing that again..... I would love to hear how those of you with older children (past high school age) balance the act of home life/ their jobs, schooling, dating, friends, chores etc. This may be a bit beyond the scope of homeschooling, but not really...because lots of us are dealing with having grown children along with teens and smaller children...whose hearts are fragile and eyes are open and looking to emulate their not always emulatable siblings. Gotta run, but I'll check in here later. I would love to keep this conversation open just a bit....to hash this out for myself.... Also, if anyone has any book or internet rec.s that would be great too. ~~Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy in Indy Posted April 14, 2008 Share Posted April 14, 2008 She's a junior in college and lives with us, going to school and working a part-time job. Balancing letting go and "this is my house; my rules" is delicate. DD is very sensible and dependable; she's a homebody. Sometimes I feel like I have to shove her out of the door! But I do have to bite my tongue sometimes when she outlines all her plans and I know she's going to be way over-booked. Sometimes you just have to learn by experience, though. Dating is a non-issue here. DD decided long ago not to date, at least through college. She felt school needed her full attention, and I'm glad she made that choice. I've watched one of our tenants (also a college student) go through about six "serious" dating relationships since last October. I have, however, reminded dd that she'll graduate next year, and if she's so inclined, it might be nice to start noticing young men! I do expect dd to let me know her plans. I think that is common courtesy. She doesn't have a curfew, but if she's going to be late she calls. I appreciate that she voluntarily has done this and it's not something that we had to mandate. She rarely is out after midnight--it's just not her style. We did require her to work beginning the summer after graduation. She has a flexible part-time job with the library that allows her to have few hours during the school year and almost full-time hours during the summer. In addition, she works as a tutor for the writing lab at school. She doesn't make vast amounts of money, but she does contribute to the household. I'm not organized enough to have assigned chores. My three dc help out as I ask them to...and that includes dd. I try to be aware of her school needs and not ask too much when she has papers due or tests to study for. During the summer, I do expect more involvement in the house. I think a lot of this is the foundation you set in the early years. I have a great relationship with dd, and I am truly blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 and it seems to have gotten buried, and I would really love to discuss this more at length. I have older children at home and it is a real struggle to find balance as to where they should be taking on adult responsibilities, where they should be given privileges that are age appropriate and responsibilities that are necessary for maturity. Having been one of those kids (and dh too) who was OUT and working and had our own family quite young, we have no model to follow. With our oldest, we had a bit of inconsistency due to lack of straight out rules. Now, I am seeing that again..... I would love to hear how those of you with older children (past high school age) balance the act of home life/ their jobs, schooling, dating, friends, chores etc. This may be a bit beyond the scope of homeschooling, but not really...because lots of us are dealing with having grown children along with teens and smaller children...whose hearts are fragile and eyes are open and looking to emulate their not always emulatable siblings. Gotta run, but I'll check in here later. I would love to keep this conversation open just a bit....to hash this out for myself.... Also, if anyone has any book or internet rec.s that would be great too. ~~Faithe That was an interesting thread, wasn't it. It has me thinking about the future for our kids..... In my own experience, I was the oldest of 5 kids. In my last year of high school my mother said, "You will either go to college, or, if you stay home, you will work and pay room and board." I went away for two months on a missions trip right after graduation, then came home and began working and paying room and board to her. During that time, I had regular chores at home (washing the kitchen floor or cleaning the bathroom or something like that, can't remember). If I went out, I'd just tell my mother where I was going and when I'd be back. I don't really remember any other rules I had - guess she figured I was an adult and, I'll tell ya, having to pay room and board really got my attention. I found a job really quickly, and starting budgeting carefully. I moved out a week before I turned 20, when I'd saved up enough money to join a missions organization full time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 He works full time. He follows the same house rules my husband and I follow. As soon as he graduated from high school, he switched from needing our permission to do things to not needing it. We know (more or less) where he is because he has a cell phone and calls us a few times a day. We tell him where we are, too. We don't see him much. We've always emphasized that the older ones have to be careful around the younger ones and not expose them to anything "unsuitable", so this isn't a problem. For all the troubles we've had, we trust him to take his younger brothers places with him, even if it involves his friends, because we know that he'll take care of them properly. We offer advice about money and bail him out when he gets in trouble. We help pay for his truck. We told him when he graduated that his apprenticeship was like being in college and we'd pay for school and buy him his car and help with the insurance. We buy his work clothes because those are expensive and he wears them out awfully fast. He pays for most of the rest of his expenses. Does that help? It has been pretty easy for us because we just treat him the way we were treated when we were in college. As the years go by, he becomes more responsible and a bigger help at home, both chores-wise and financially. He'll be with us a long time, probably, because he's going to college in the fall. I'm happy he's home because we are all relaxing and recovering from the high school storms. If he moved right out, it would be much harder to do that and there would be all this leftover stuff. Instead, that stuff is behind us and we have plenty of more recent memories. Does that help? -Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 My eldest has some really good common sense. When he is out of high school, when I no longer have to exercise any oversight in his schoolwork, when he can do things that are more "real" to him --all those factors will help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nan in Mass Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Yes! Real things! It's no wonder some of them are a bit crazy in high school, with all that waiting. -Nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted April 15, 2008 Author Share Posted April 15, 2008 for room and board?? What about car insurance...or use of the car?? What about contributing chore wise...and expecting a decent job done?? Can I still ground them if their job is not well done :D What are the consequences for setting a bad example for the younger ones?? I have REALLY, REALLY good kids according to the world's example, however, I am not comparing them to the world's kids...but let's get real... We are real people, with real sin natures...we can be abrasive to one another...not always see eye to eye...But I give and expect respect...even from my youngest toddler. I raised my kids to love and care for one another...but it seems sometimes that goes on hold when they reach that 18 age...and they are trying to figure out their life's purpose and goals. It is a very selfish time in one's life...and it should be...BUT we can not neglect the fact that these young adults are not tenants living alone, but members of a family where we all contribute to the welfare of the other. My kids are all very self sufficient...they are weel educated, well groomed, well spoken...BUT we are not super-heroes....we all have our warts and all...so, my thoughts are, I want to see then mature without major catastrophe. I do not want them to feel like prisoners...yet I do not want them to feel like they can just free-whell and do whatever they want without consequences. It is very difficult to watch them make mistakes and get hurt....yet sometimes they have to in order to mature in God's plan for their lives. I am also trying to set forth some internal ground rules as we still have a few children yet to reach this stage...and I am seeing the need to be very prepared. Also, if this discussion can help others on this board, before they get to the older teen twenties stage of parenthood, that would be great. We do not have an idyllic life...we do not look like your typical Teaching Home Family (although Lord Knows I have tried :-) I guess the parenting changes that occur as our kids get older can be just as confusing as when you have your first baby.... ONLY there aren't any manuals...or at least not any that I have come across.... I know there are many Mom's and dad's who reach this threshold and lose their kids hearts ....I do NOT want to be one of those statistics. I spent many years tying strings and making a relationship with my children. I do not want to lose their hearts over too strict or too lax handling of situations which arise. I would love if we could continue this discussion ~~Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted April 15, 2008 Share Posted April 15, 2008 Most of my sibs and I lived at home after high school as my parents strongly encouraged us to not take on more debt than we needed. The situation was different for all of us-no general rule about cost, work...:) We all were expected to contribute to the household in work- for some it was working the property, some it was tutoring youngers, cooking, cleaning, driving the youngers around...We all also had outside jobs and were expected to pay for our own cars, insurance, clothes, fun... Basic rules of kindness were still expected, so we all let each other know if we would be gone or home late. We were expected to help each other out and of course to be mindful of the younger siblings. We all knew that certain songs, movies or tv shows were not for the general family so if you listened/watched those, it had better not be in the living room, in the middle of family life. :) It worked very well-we have a very, very close family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted April 17, 2008 Share Posted April 17, 2008 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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