"I don't even want to be here"

[Sonshine]

Said by my son who is between working at a camp and college for a few weeks. That explains his rudeness and arrogant attitude the last few days. I think he took us upon the offer to fly him home (for a pretty penny) for a few weeks because he had nowhere else to go. I am grateful that all my other many children have basically good attitudes and are a pleasure to be with. I don't know why he is more rude than he usually is, but I need to not focus on thinking about it. Any hints on how to ignore the rude elephant in the room (who also wants to eat but not do chores, which is nothing new) while trying to work on lesson planning, etc. He actually seemed to have some sense of kindness and gratefulness when home 2 months ago - don't know why he is at his worst, but not too different from his usual self.

[Jean in Newcastle]

"Then you are free to leave" would have been my response. I know he's your kid, but it's still your home.

 

:iagree:

[Sonshine]

Thanks. I don't usually think of those remarks at the time. I may have one talk with him and tell him if he can't be kind to me then he needs to stay in the other part of the house when we're both home. He can seem to have a lot of resentment towards me because I am the one who has called him on the carpet for things over the years (things that very definitely needed to be addressed). I have always been loving towards him and disciplined in love not anger, but he doesn't seem to see it that way. I don't have these issues with my other children so I don't think it's me.

 

Maybe I just need to take my lesson planning somewhere else when he's home - somewhere that I like to be so I can change my focus. He leaves in 10 days, but I would like to be in a better frame of mind and more productive for those 10 days. Or stick to the above plan to make him stay out of the living room if he can't be kind and not exude unspoken and terse hostility, and do some semblance of his share of the chores. Everyone else in the family is working very hard at our family business right now and doing their chores but he refuses to help more than a minimal amount. What do you think? I just didn't expect to keep having to work on the same issues that have been a problem his whole life when he is 20.

[Natalieclare]

First, I guess I would want more information. Is he sleep deprived? Depressed? Anxious about the next quarter? Is he acting with a type of bravado because he doesn't really want to leave again? Knowing me, I would spend some time exploring whether or not this grown child of mine needed some type of support.

 

Otherwise...

 

I would not ignore the elephant in my livingroom; I would tell him to go ahead and be grumpy in his room.

 

And I wouldn't serve him food if he wasn't contributing to the household in some way. Sorry, but we are "don't work/don't eat" folks around here. Even the 3 yo has to sing for his bread!

 

I also think I would use as much humor as possible to oil the workings of this relationship. At least, that's what works with my prickliest child.

 

I hope he turns around for you so you can have some pleasant time together before he heads off to college, bless his pointy head (as my dh would say). :)

Edited August 17, 2010 by Natalieclare
must add smilies/ACK! I can't!

[Sebastian (a lady)]

First, I guess I would want more information. Is he sleep deprived? Depressed? Anxious about the next quarter? Is he acting with a type of bravado because he doesn't really want to leave again? Knowing me, I would spend some time exploring whether or not this grown child of mine needed some type of support.

Otherwise...

 

I would not ignore the elephant in my livingroom; I would tell him to go ahead and be grumpy in his room.

 

And I wouldn't let serve him food if he wasn't contributing to the household in some way. Sorry, but we are "don't work/don't eat" folks around here. Even the 3 yo has to sing for his bread!

 

I also think I would use as much humor as possible to oil the workings of this relationship. At least, that's what works with my prickliest child.

 

I hope he turns around for you so you can have some pleasant time together before he heads off to college, bless his pointy head (as my dh would say). :)

 

I was wondering something along the lines of the bolded part. When I was in the military, there was a period, early in our marriage, where my ship was on a schedule of frequent, short underway time. So I'd be gone for 4-6 weeks, back for 2-3 weeks, then gone again. This cycle went for over a year.

 

I would be an absolute bear the weekend before we got underway. Finally dh called me on it and asked me why I was picking fights everytime I was getting underway. It wasn't pretty. But it did mostly stop the cycle.

 

So while I wouldn't tolerate rudeness or being chased out of my own home, I would consider bluntly asking him if something was bugging him. Also, this is a conversation that I might punt to my dh. He would be able to make it pretty clear to this mostly grown son that disrespect to his wife wasn't acceptable. That seems like a good man-to-man chat.

 

It might also be appropriate for your dh to tell ds that he's needed at the family business while he's home (since, presumably that is what pays for his tuition, etc). Give him a project to busy himself in, but that he can also take pride in.

[Sonshine]

More information would be nice, but that's hard to obtain sometime. He's not big on opening up to me. When he's extra hard headed like he is now, he is quick to point out my perceived faults (ones no one else sees) rather than have an honest conversation. Maybe he is worried about something at school. Who knows? I could take him out to eat for lunch and confront him on how he is treating me and acting like a poor member of the family in regards to the chores. Sometimes he will change his attitude after a confrontation - not that he admits anything wrong, but he does seem to act nicer afterwards - sometimes. But frankly I am not in the mood to risk him running me down in anger and resent having to confront him when he should know better. He is the child we have bent over backwards to work with and discipline the right way and at age 20 he shouldn't have to be treated like a 2 year old we are trying to figure out how to work with. Yes, I too go by "he who does not work does not eat" and guess I will have to be that way with the 20 year old as well. I guess tomorrow I will tell him no breakfast until he does some more dishes. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Sonshine]

Thanks Sebastian. My husband just tells me not to be so nice to him and that I should not have paid his way home. He doesn't care to help in the respecting your mother area.

[jld]

Maybe it would be a good idea not to pay for another plane ticket, and not let him live at home when he is 21, or finishes college, whichever you choose.

 

But I would really reconsider your own attitude. He's close to an adult (depending on if you define it at 18 or 21), and your relationship may or may not get any better if you continue to see yourself as blameless. If you really are blameless, then I'm not sure why you're upset, as it is all clearly his problem.

 

If not, maybe try to be humble and ask him what it is about being home that bothers him. Then truly listen and try to act, if possible, on what he says. Try to rebuild the relationship by being willing to listen and consider his ideas like you would your own.

 

Do you really want a son you're estranged from? My parents had this with my oldest brother, and it was such a shame. It just didn't need to be that way, and my parents could have been the leaders in healing the relationship. But they just blamed him. How far did that get them? Please learn from their pridefulness. My mother still cries about it, but is unwilling to accept her responsibility for it.

[Dobela]

He may be grumpy because somehow he thinks that is what is expected. Or because someone has left the impression on him that he is not really welcome there and really needs to appreciate it. Or maybe he came home exhausted, and then sensed the hostility towards him and that helped make his attitude bad.

 

I remember at age 20 how badly I was trying to be on my own and then things like this would happen - I would have to go live with my parents because a job or housing didn't work out as planned during school breaks. It was embarassing, and once I arrived home it was as though I could do nothing right. What I did around the house was not enough. I couldn't get an outside job because I was so temporary, and so on. And so, I have no doubt that I most likely developed an attitude as well.

 

What if you try a different approach? Instead of telling him how awful he is being, take him out and enjoy him. Tell him your favorite memories, tell him what you love and like about him, enjoy this precious time, and then ask him if he can help with x.y.z. It may change his attitude in more ways than you expect to hear how much you love him no matter what, that he is important to you, and that you want to have a good relationship with him. This may be the last time he comes home single, or that he comes home at all. Make the experience a good one as much as you can.

[rwilliams]

I remember well how it was to be a teenager/young adult and feel anger. I think it is very important to find a creative approach for this issue. Does he get the message deep down that you truly like him, the real him? Can you try to send him the message with your actions and words that you really do like such and such about him. Can you relate to him more as an adult houseguest than your child? Tell him that as an adult and a guest in your house, politeness is not optional. At the same time, find something unusual and fun for the two of you to do together. Invite him to join you. Try to send him genuine messages that you like the real him..."I have always enjoyed your sense of humor! I remember when you were 10 and...." I still remember the day as an adult my Mom had a moment of true honesty and I realized that she really did not like me, yes she loves me but had never really liked me. In fact, my younger childhood was very difficult for her because I was so strong-willed and she was so permissive without the skills to parent effectively. It is very important that you as the Mom find a bridge to your son before it is too late. Regardless of his outward appearance, I guarantee he wants and needs your love and approval although it may seem to be rejected for a while. Keep on offering love and approval more than any negative emotion. Likewise, do not tolerate rude behavior anymore than from another adult. If he is rude, leave the area. Only give him attention, very postive approving attention, when he is acting nice. You can also tell him your goal for your relationship. Example, to be able to enjoy each other as adults, communicate well etc......