m0mmaBuck Posted August 6, 2010 Share Posted August 6, 2010 We are taking the family + 1 (DSS's friend) on a vacation to WI. The trip is planned around my mom's 80th birthday but includes some time at Wisconsin Dells (waterparks, theme parks, ridiculous tourist attractions) as well. DSS is already taking an attitude about the trip. We decided to bring his best friend so he will have someone his own age to hang out with. DSS is already refusing to go to the waterparks and several other planned attractions as well as complaining about required family activities (i.e. Mom's party and canoeing with the family). His friend, conversely, told us and DSS that he will be hanging out with the family because he thinks it all sounds fun. It sounds like DSS has decided to isolate himself and be mopey in spite of our best efforts to make it a great vacation for everyone. I was hoping the vacation would be a nice break in the tension around here for everyone but it seems like DSS is determined to be a party-pooper. If we force him to have fun he will be a downer for everyone. If we leave him behind it will be "poor H who was left all alone during our vacation." How can we keep his attitude from being contagious? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted August 6, 2010 Share Posted August 6, 2010 Be humble and a great listener. Assume you are wrong, he is being unkindly treated, and ask how you could make him feel better. Then do it, if at all possible. Think of what Jesus would say to a hurting soul, and say that. Again, be humble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m0mmaBuck Posted August 6, 2010 Author Share Posted August 6, 2010 Be humble and a great listener. Assume you are wrong, he is being unkindly treated, and ask how you could make him feel better. Then do it, if at all possible. Think of what Jesus would say to a hurting soul, and say that. Again, be humble. I'm not sure how us taking him on a vacation, taking his best friend along, planning all kinds of fun stuff to do (waterparks, rollercoaster, go carts, boat rides, etc.), and including him fully in the family is treating him unkindly. I must be misunderstanding what you are saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 6, 2010 Share Posted August 6, 2010 Perhaps having his (what sounds like a very nice) friend along will make him change his mind while he's on the vacation. I'm not totally sure the dynamics of your relationship but I will often say to ds13 "Do not open your mouth until you are ready to contribute nicely to the family conversation." I also make it very clear that he is the one making certain choices. Ie. You are in the parking lot of the waterpark. "We are going into the waterpark. You have a choice of staying here in the car or coming in. If you come in, you may not open your mouth to complain. What do you choose to do?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 If he feels he is being treated unkindly, then that is the mindset he is going to act out of, whether you or anyone else thinks he is correct. Just really try to get into his head (understand where he is coming from) and be open to his point of view. Try to give him some power in the situation. "What would you like to do? Would you rather stay home than go on the vacation? Would you like your dad to stay with you, and the younger kids and I, we three, will go alone? It is a trip to see my mother, who has probably not been an important part of your life. But your father is important to you, and I'd like you to be able to spend some quality time with him. How would you feel about that?" It takes a generous spirit to give up what we want and feel we deserve in order to help someone else in greater need than ourselves. It takes a tremendous amount of maturity. We all think we're right about everything, mommaduck. We're all self-centered. But some people truly have greater needs than others, and an 18 year old who lost his mother to suicide has greater needs than many other people. Be sensitive to that; that's my message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted August 7, 2010 Share Posted August 7, 2010 Perhaps having his (what sounds like a very nice) friend along will make him change his mind while he's on the vacation. I'm not totally sure the dynamics of your relationship but I will often say to ds13 "Do not open your mouth until you are ready to contribute nicely to the family conversation." I also make it very clear that he is the one making certain choices. Ie. You are in the parking lot of the waterpark. "We are going into the waterpark. You have a choice of staying here in the car or coming in. If you come in, you may not open your mouth to complain. What do you choose to do?" :iagree: I would keep that talk private, just him and dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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