Parenting Advice Please?

[sbgrace]

I'm feeling paralyzed by a lack of perspective but we desperately need change here so I'd love some thoughts. I'm exhausted, it's been an absolutely horrible day, and it's midnight so I hope this makes sense.

 

We're too often correcting, consequencing, disciplining and the atmosphere is a cycle of disobedience, consequence, frustrated everyone and it's just too negative. We've been under a lot of stress (health, financial, work, etc.) in the last 6 months to a year and somehow things have become horrible here. My six year old actually says he wishes it was how it was when he was five. Well, I do too. It's negative here. I think I'm actually anticipating resistance to requests before I even make them kind of atmosphere. Beyond that, the consequence type approach isn't very effective in my special needs (autism spectrum child) for many reasons related to his disability. This question isn't specific to autism and I'm the kind of parent who is consistent and follows through and I believe that kids need that stability and boundary stuff so that part isn't an issue. But I'm looking for "more" both for the one child and the family as a whole.

 

I'd like to positively recognize obedience particularly (defined as: doing what you're told when asked with a positive attitude) but I'm stumped on how. I know my kids would be motivated by some type of chart or jar with reward attached like watch a video particularly which is special here. But I suspect it would communicate "you obey for the reward" and, if so, what would that do further down the line? But I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing either. I want to encourage obedience and not just discourage disobedience essentially. I've tried verbal recognition but it's not enough to counter the negative current particularly for spectrum child. Help? Thoughts?

Edited July 28, 2010 by sbgrace

[DianeW88]

I loved this book when my children were young. It worked really well for us, because it recognizes positive behavior in a fun and playful way.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Denise-Champman-Weston/dp/0874777348/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1280291814&sr=8-3

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for the past 16 years

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I so get you. My ds1 has many issues. His therapist says she would classify him as somewhat Aspie, with OCD, and some general anxiety disorder thrown in the mix. It's a lot to handle sometimes, and the discipline methods that work on ds2 do not always work with ds1.

 

I've been realizing that I'm spending a great deal of time and energy trying to get ds1 to behave a certain way, and he most likely never will. So, I'm working on changing my strategy and expectations. I choose my battles more carefully, and I'm trying to set the stage for positive expectations instead of negative ones. For example, in the past, I would tell him to brush his teeth. He fools around and/or whines about not wanting to brush teeth. I would ask again and state consequences for not brushing teeth. Still get whining/fooling around, so I then would have carried out the consequences. I now say, "DS1, it's time to make sure you keep up your no-cavity winning streak at Dr. Dentist's office!" This way, it's a positive thing and a contest, so he wants to do it. Other things, I have decided to let go. I don't want our whole relationship to be one of continual conflict and struggle. So, he refuses to wear certain shoes after he insisted we buy them, but now they hurt his feet after 1 wear?!?! I went through that scenario about 30 times before I just let him wear whatever he wanted on his feet. He can wear sandals in winter and boots in summer for all I care. I have come to terms with the fact that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of how he grows up.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Hang in there.

[Amber in AUS]

sbgrace, i feel for you, i was headed down that horrible path recently. I decided to take some positive action to nip it in the bud so to speak. My main offender is DS.

 

We have just implemented a button jar. I have a VERY large jar of mixed buttons. Each child has a small cup. When they are obedient or do a good dead without being asked etc they get a button. When their jar is full they are allowed to have a small chocolate treat. We NEVER have choc in the house so it was a special trip to the store to pick up something small but delicious for each of them. So far so good but we are only a few days in.

 

My older DD is looking for ways she might earn a button and being VERY helpful around the house. DS has been more responsive to my requests but has still had the occasional time out.

 

I have started with some very small jars so their reward comes in reasonable time. At this point i am thinking 5 to 7 days to fill their jar. Over time i will increase the size of the jar so it takes longer to get the reward and so eventually wean them off.

 

Hang in there!

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

I think you're on the right track. Tangible reward systems can be especially effective for children on the autism spectrum because the reward is concrete, immediate and measurable, and because these children in particular often experience challenges in processing verbal input so verbal praise alone may not be effective. (Heck, many typical six-year-olds are still at this stage!)

 

Pair your tangible reward with specific praise. ~Clink!~ goes the marble in the jar (or you hand the child a sticker for the chart, or whatever reward you choose) as you say, "You responded quickly when I asked to to pick up. Well done."

 

Once the positive cycle is well-established, you start working on obedience for the sake of obedience because the children are in a spot in which they feel successful. :) Right now breaking the negative cycle is most important. Once you've established a more positive behavior cycle, and verbal praise becomes a motivator because you've always paired it with tangible reward, you can begin to slowly fade the reward system into something that feels more natural to you.

 

Cat

[sbgrace]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I don't know why the reward system which I do think my spectrum kid needs scares me so much! I guess I'm afraid my kids are going to walk around expecting to be rewarded for basic courtesy from here forward or it will mess them up somehow. I guess it also makes me hesitate because typical kid does respond to things outside of the tangible and so it's hard to institute something like that when I know he doesn't need it! But, unless someone thinks it's going to do harm I think I'll try it because I really do want things to change.