Please help with attitude

[Ellyndria]

This is a vent. I have had it today.

 

This is for 5 year old DS. I know it gets worse, but don't want it to.

 

I am just tired of the attitude and him saying, "I don't want to _____ !" (all said in a whiny voice, or while growling) It really doesn't matter what it is...anything he has to do, that he doesn't want to do, he will say this, whether it is picking up toys, eating/drinking, doing school, he'll even whine over our choice of restaurant if it's not a restaurant that he wants. I make sure to give him choices sometimes. He always picks what he wants to wear, sometimes I'll give him a choice of two or three things for lunch, once in a while we'll even let him pick a restaurant (not after he whines about it though).

 

He doesn't get what he whines for, but he still does it! I know consistency is key, and I feel that I have been consistent with not giving in to whining. But when I say he won't get anything by whining and complaining, he cries! Why all the drama?

 

The other thing is, when we tell him to something, he always asks why. I had a talk with him last night about how he just needs to do what we tell him, without asking why, but that sometimes we will tell him why afterwards. Of course that talk did not stick today.

 

He does genuinely seem to need to know reasons for things, and is not necessarily a diversion tactic, although sometimes I think it might be. He is ALWAYS asking questions, and I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but it gets tiring, and having "Why?" tacked onto every command is getting to me. An example about questions...last night, he asked me what gas station daddy stopped at (we had to go in separate cars to an event), and when I said I didn't know what gas station daddy went to, he got kinda frantic. Or he'll get upset if I won't tell him what is for lunch or dinner (usually because I don't know yet. When I know, I tell him.)

 

I do make him do do-overs, making him ask or state things in a non-whiny voice, but he could do it over 10 times and there'd still be a trace of whine, and of course it just makes him mad, so it moves from whine to growl.

 

We have used 1-2-3 Magic before for stuff, and it worked, and we still use it, but lots of times he actually prefers the time out. Sometimes I'd rather just skip the warnings and have him do whatever he is supposed to do the first time.

 

So, other than do-overs, and time outs (I just sent him to his room to calm down...didn't call it a time out, he doesn't do time outs in his room...told him he could come out when he was ready to be nice...it was 40 minutes later before he came out.) WHAT can I do to stop the "I don't want to" and "Why?"

[Ellyndria]

By the way, I feel better already. I could just use some practical suggestions beyond do-overs, time outs, and not giving in to whining/complaining.

[Dana]

I'd say you have my son.

 

Today I told him to clean off the dining room table (his stuff). When he said "why", I did tell him, but I was snippy. Then I came back and told him that I was willing to answer his questions, but I needed him to do what I told him and then ask why. Otherwise it sounds like he's questioning whether to do it at all.

 

He seemed to accept that, but we'll see how long it lasts.

 

Good luck! And I'll be following the thread for other suggestions too.

[Dandelion]

I just replied to your other post before seeing this one - I can really empathize as we've gone through much of what you describe (in both posts) with our 6yo DS. Consistency is key and in our case, DS has made significant improvements in the last year (seems like it took a lot longer than I would have expected - guess some kids just need to test the limits much more than others before acknowledging them).

 

One of the strategies that made the biggest difference for us with our DS was to give him the bottom line up front (a technique I picked up from the book "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert J. MacKenzie - excellent book!). Basically, when I make a request of him about something that (based on experience) I know he might test, I tell him with the request what will happen if he chooses not to cooperate. For example: "Don't ride your scooter in the street, please. If you do, I'll have to put it away for the rest of the day." This has cut down on A LOT of the testing, because he has all the information he needs right away to decide whether it's worth testing/complaining/etc. He doesn't need to test to get to it. And since I'm telling him the consequence up front, I'm using my "normal, kind, respectful voice" (:)) because I haven't had the need to get upset yet. If you're not already doing that, give it a try. It took awhile for our DS to "get" that we really were going to follow through on those consequences - but we're now at the point where he usually complies immediately when the limits are established in this way.

 

I realize this approach isn't necessary (or advisable) with all kids - but it was something that really worked wonders for us, and I think our DS actually appreciates the clear boundaries (and we all appreciate the reduced conflict!).

 

Hang in there - it may take awhile, but (based on our experience at least) it does get easier with consistency, maturity, and time...

[laurad1125]

I've got one who's 6. What I do is offer, very sweetly, "Would you like to do this later?" Of course, later means after dinner which is the only time during the day that they get screen time. :sneaky2: If they whining continues I say "That's OK. We'll do this later." and not give in no matter how much he begs. It only takes a few times to help them decide that whining is not in their best interest....

[MeganW]

"I am going to tell you to do something, and you are going to say 'yes MOM' with a happy voice, and then do it right then. If you say or do anything else, I am going to [pop you on the fanny, take away a Matchbox car, put you in timeout, whatever]. Do you understand? Good. Now, it is time for you to clear off the dining room table."

 

Give lots and lots and lots of opportunities to practice this for a week. Many can be fun. Give the full instruction for a few days or even a whole week as needed. Yes, every time.

 

"I am going to tell you to do something, and you are going to say 'yes MOM' with a happy voice, and then do it right then. If you say or do anything else, I am going to pop you on the fanny. Do you understand? Good. Now, I would like for you to go and get your bike - we are going out to play!"

 

After a week, he should be in the habit of answering that way. At that point, you shouldn't need to give the whole instruction each time, it should be understood. But from then on, ANY TIME he says anything other than "yes Mom", you need to discipline. For us, it's a pop on the fanny. But whatever discipline you use.

 

If he wants to know why you gave the instruction, he should ask in a kind & respectful voice, AFTER he has obeyed. And if he is really interested, he will. But it is a lot more likely that he wasn't asking b/c he wanted to know - he was trying to delay obeying or get out of it altogether. If he asks before, discipline. Every time. And explain of course "the only thing you are allowed to say when I tell you to do something is 'yes Mom'. If you want to know why, you may ask nicely after you have done what I asked."

 

I think you are giving this child too much. Too many choices, too many good things. Sometimes you have to take away what kids have in order for them to see how good they had it. If he complains about the restaurant, GO HOME and have leftovers instead. If he doesn't like either of the clothing choices you picked, don't give him a choice for a week. And again, you tell him to put something on, and he needs to say "yes Mom" and put it on immediately and happily. If not, discipline. When he does that consistently, you can start letting him choose again. If he complains that he doesn't have enough Matchbox cars, take half away. When you give them back after a week, he will realize how good he had it and think twice before complaining again.

 

Whining grates on my last nerve. And I have 2 kids who are natural whiners. When they do it, they immediately are sent to the corner (in another room) and told not to come back until they are ready to talk/obey in a happy voice. And I always make sure to do something fun with the others while that one is gone so they will equate whining to missing out.

 

I used 1-2-3 Magic to TEACH something new, but once the new thing is learned, I expect first time obedience. Not third time obedience. And discipline accordingly.

 

What's really funny is that my kids know that I am not going to put up with not obeying immediately, so they almost always obey me. So I don't have to discipline. I actually discipline my kids a lot less than most people I know even though I am so much more strict, if that makes any sense! :)

Edited April 13, 2010 by MeganW

[ElizabethB]

This is what has worked for me, it's still working, I started about 5 months ago:

 

Any complaints or whining about school work results in extra work. For example, she complains about too many math pages, I add another math book onto our stack of things to do for school for the day. After a few days of doing this (cheerfully, not getting angry, just adding things for complaints or whining), the whining went away!