Dementia...and living alone

[praisefor3]

My MIL will be 82 tomorrow. She has been visiting us this week while some remodeling is done on her house which is about an hour away. She is in relatively good health, taking medicine for blood pressure, something she calls a "water pill" and a few other pills that are more for things like calcium, etc.

 

Sometimes she has woken up in the middle of the night and doesn't know where she is. She will look for the bathroom and go into my oldest daughter's room and say, "Oh do you live here, too?" "Which one is my apartment?" Yesterday morning when I went in her room she asked me, "Did you sleep here, too?" When she gets confused she usually later recognizes that she was confused. The incidents usually only happen at night or when she first gets up in the morning. (One morning she was speaking to me thinking I was a completely different person then when I told her who I was she said, "Oh, of course you are!" and then was fine.) She is smiling, in a good mood, not frustrated, etc. But...how do we know it is ok for her to go home???

 

Her own mother lived alone until she was 98 and did marvelous but these "episodes" worry me. She very much wants to go home...I just don't know how to help my husband with this because I don't know where the "safe" line is. The other two brothers think that when she gets back in her own home she will be less confused with her surroundings but I think this is more than just "normal" dementia where you call one child by the other's name, forget where you put your glasses, etc. Anyone had experience with this?

[Impish]

Get her home health services. Pronto.

 

She is getting easily confused, which could very well result in her becoming a danger to herself and others around her. Leaving her stove on, and forgetting about it, and burn down her home. Does she drive? Also, folks with dementia tend to hoard when it comes to food, and since the sense of smell, and therefore taste decline in years, she could well eat spoiled food and not realize it. She could wander away from her home and not remember how to get back.

 

Take her to her family Dr for a start...they can usually get the ball rolling for home health care.

 

Yes, being in her own home will likely lessen her confusion, to a point...but its not going to go away, or get better. Your dh needs to call a family meeting with his brothers and decide what to do before someone gets hurt.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I agree with Impish.

 

We decided about a year ago that my mom couldn't live alone any longer and she wasn't near that confused. It was things like eating spoiled food and walking away from things on the stove that we were concerned about. A friend's mom wandered away from her home in bitterly cold weather and got lost. They were lucky she didn't die out there.

 

She might be OK with daily homecare or meals on wheels but I would take it seriously.

[Journey]

My mom is 84 and is in the early stages of dementia and I hate to say this but she sounds like she's doing better than your MIL. Praise the Lord that my dad is in excellent health mentally and almost physically and is able to care for my mom (with my 22 year old daughter's live in help), otherwise there is NO WAY that she would be able to live by herself. If I were you I would do whatever needs to be done to get your MIL out of her current living situation, it's not good and it's not going to get better...so scary and so sad I hate to even think about my parents getting old but they are right before my eyes, it makes me want to cry. So often we hear on the news about these elderly people wandering off never to be seen again. Please, call your local eldercare service and get this wonderful lady the help she needs and deserves. I wish the best, it is going to be very difficult in so many ways, but thankfully there are services out there that can and do make this transition much easier. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with as we are going through this very thing right now.

[OHGrandma]

Can someone spend a week with her, in her own home to observe her? Is she reliable about taking her meds?

[G5052]

You are right that normal forgetfulness is misplacing things and forgetting names of people you don't see for awhile, but the type of thing you describe is beyond that. Because it goes in episodes, you may be dealing with a blood flow issue in her brain with dementia as a symptom.

 

Be prepared for a lot of family strife over this if you press it. No one wants to see their parent old and confused, but you have to look at the big picture and consider where this is going. There are criminals who target the demented elderly, and the risk of accidents with them goes way up. My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia several years ago because I pressed the issue until it happened, and she's in assisted living because I pressed the issue until it happened. And there are some family members who will probably never speak to me again.:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

I agree with what the others have said, and will add this:

 

Often the last people to recognize and respond appropriately to dementia issues are the person's own children/family. My personal (very painful) experience has been that denial can be taken to staggering (unhealthy, dangerous) levels in situations like this. As I watched this type of scenario unfold with both my senile grandmother and my aunt (aunt is dying of a brain tumor--there were years, prior to diagnosis, of bizarre behavior and an inability to cope that I thought were mental illness), I was absolutely dumbfounded at how many strangers and outsiders to the family could see and were alarmed by what was happening, and even more dumbfounded with the level of denial shown by family members.

 

Take mil to the doctor. Tell the dr ahead of time what your concern is and ask for an evaluation.

 

Have a heart-to-heart with dh and brothers about this. It truly is better to be safe than sorry--dementia accidents are heartbreaking, and the guilt is not worth it.

[BookFanatic]

Oh, I feel your pain, concern. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: My dad lives with us and he has end stage dementia. I would agree, get her to the dr. right away and possibly go with her if she is open to this. I had to start doing this with my dad, and he was fine with it. It started when he got out of his dr. visit and couldn't remember what the dr. told him. Tell the dr. your concerns and go from there.

 

I would be concerned about her forgetfulness/episodes. What if she goes home and has some kind of episode/or episodes escalate to other worse things and no one is there to help her. There are definite safety concerns!!! I know I have been through them ALL. You may not know the dangers of living alone as you start to lose your mind, and what seemingly everyday objects could be so dangerous(i'll figure out spellcheck one of these days...) And driving! Telling an older person they cannot drive anymore...heartbreaking. But you have to think of their safety and others.

 

Family members might be in denial, and usually the person with dementia is completely oblivious and has no clue they are losing it. These are hard things to face for other family members. There are options for your family. Can you get some home care for her? Usually a dr. can order this. Can she live with you? Can she live with another family member? Can someone move in with her? Things to consider now.

 

Also, she probably will be better at home in her familiar surroundings, but these spells could be an indicator that something else is going on, like early stage dementia. There are meds she could start taking, and your family can start making safety plans for her future. Like you go to her home and make a safety inspection.

 

These things are so hard to face/deal with. Better to get all the info you can and make informed decisions, then have regrets because you did nothing. You love her, and it might be at the point that you have to look out for her best interests because she might not be able to anymore. This might not be the case either, just speaking from exp. Good luck, and many prayers.