Need advice re: group prayer

[Sasha]

I have long struggled with this issue and it struck me last night that some people here might be able to give me some insight. I am an atheist. My dh is some form of agnostic. We've raised the kids atheist and learn about religion as a way to understand people better.

 

My family, however, are all various breeds of pretty fervent Christians. They have gotten more observant after the death of my grandmother (the family matriarch) a couple of years ago--one uncle is born again and very excited about it, one aunt is very active in a New Testament church, and so on. It's a big family; my mom is one of seven and all of them have a few kids, most of them have a few kids, et cetera, so the sheer numbers can be overwhelming.

 

Anyway, I love my family and, for the most part, really enjoy the times that we are together. There is one exception--I hate the group prayers.

 

They pray a lot.

 

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I don't have a problem with people praying. My problem is that it's expected that everyone participates. And the prayer itself is rather long and very...specific. Lots of "Heavenly Father's" and "In Jesus' name". It makes me uncomfortable. I don't care if *they* do it, I just feel weird standing there holding hands as if I'm praying as well. I tried looking as if I was busy when they were gathering for prayer (they waited for me) and I tried just quietly focusing on how glad I was that everyone was healthy and able to be together. Still, it feels as if I'm being dishonest and also as if I'm coerced.

 

When we're at a specific relative's house I just grin and bear it--it's their home and if they pray, we'll pray. But when we're at, say, the park for a family reunion or something I feel a bit resentful. For example, we went to Tennessee last month to visit the spot where one of the uncles died in a motorcycle accident. At every place we stopped to eat they would join hands and give this prayer. Again, I don't mind them praying but, you know, my food is getting cold! And I don't want to pray!

 

While I've never said outright, "I'm an atheist," all of them know that I'm not a Christian. They know that we are unconventional (I have dreadlocks, we're organic farmers, we homeschool, socially liberal) but I've never had the opportunity to just be "out". But they also don't invite me to church (they all like to go to church together) or any of the church-related activities that they often do as a group.

 

So I'm asking, as it seems like most here are Christians, how would you prefer a family member like me to behave? Would the dishonesty of standing in on your prayer bother you? Would you prefer that I stand aside? How can I do this without appearing...rude? (Since it's obviously expected that we all pray together) Once dh asked, after their prayer, to give his own prayer and that was accepted--his was a "thank the earth for the food" type of thing but it just seemed so forced (I mean, we thank the earth for our food but the prayer itself seemed disingenuous).

 

I want my kids to grow up knowing that it's okay to just say "No thank you, I'm atheist and don't pray," because it *is* okay. Why can't I, then, just say so?

[Laura Corin]

I am an atheist but went to Christian schools (very common in the UK). We have relatives who are Christian and I sometimes go to services for various reasons - we attended a Remembrance Day service this month. I don't want to pray, but I'm happy to show respect by holding hands, bowing my head and thinking my thoughts whilst others pray. If my relatives were actively hostile to my (lack of) beliefs then I would feel differently, but as it is there is an atmosphere of respect that I am happy to sustain.

 

Laura

[olan719]

I am a Christian, and I think you are being very gracious to your family. For me personally, I would take your actions to mean that you were just being respectful of my beliefs (especially when I am in my own home) and I wouldn't take it as you were being "dishonest" by participating...as pretend as it may be. This is really a touchy situation in the sense that you may call more attention to yourself that you would like by choosing not to participate. I would probably continue to just deal with it as long as I could, and talk with my children about it privately. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it, IMO, but I do want to say I find it very commendable that you are so tolerant of your family's faith. And that they also seem pretty tolerant as well, in that they are not trying to "convert" you. Now that would be another story....:tongue_smilie:

[Pip]

Conservative Christian here.

 

I would tell them politely that you have no problem with them praying amongst themselves, but your family will respectfully sit out. Then leave it alone. As Christian, I would feel very incomfortable with this, but I am not one to wear my emotions out for everyone to see, and that is what I see this as being. You may be pleasantly surprised at the response. Others may feel the same way and are just going with the flow. Some people may not know how strongly your feelings on this run.

 

I have a very large family and the group dynamics things is intimidating. All my sisters tend to be wild and crazy. At my niece's wedding in Sept. they were all out on the dance floor doing a conga line and I refused to join them. It's just not me. I got all sorts of looks because I didn't join in, but I had to be myself. I had my parents pull me aside to see if I was in a bad mood. I told them I just didn't feel like dancing. They understood, my sisters didn't. It is hard to break away from your family. Especially when care for them. But just because you have share some dna doesn't mean you are cut from the same cloth.

[Brilliant]

I am Christian. If you were in my family, I would not have a problem with either of your solutions (to continue to "participate", or not).

 

If you choose not to, I would mention it to a couple of people BEFORE prayer time that you/your family will not be praying because of your belief. As long as you are not planning on chowing down on the food while they pray, I don't think it's rude. :)

[Chris in VA]

My son is not a Christian--pretty hard in a clergy family! He does hold hands with us as we say grace, and he does believe in a Higher Power, just not a Creator--he's leaving it up to Mystery at the moment.

I like that he holds my hand--it completes my circle and makes me feel that he is part of my family, even if his beliefs are different. He also doesn't go to church very often, and I don't expect him to--but when he does, he is quietly respectful and, although he doesn't go up for a blessing at communion time, he is there to support me and the rest of the congregation in the only way he can at the moment.

For you, I guess you should do whatever is most loving towards your family--if you feel you are not being loving when you feel disingenuous, then don't join the circle. If you feel you can join the circle as a show of support, then do so.

Either way would be ok with me, if I was in your own family, but I'd probably feel better if my son (and others who are not Christian in my family) would come hold hands. I'd probably also tone down the prayers, too, out of respect for those who believe differently--not denying God, of course, but being gentle in my faith. Praying out loud can be a turn-off, intimidating, and rude, imo. This is said as one who LOVES to pray out loud, but realizes it's God's job to reach the hearts of my loved ones. If my example of faith is off-putting, what good is it?

Anyway, I sympathize, and think you are being kind to your family.

[Sasha]

I like that he holds my hand--it completes my circle and makes me feel that he is part of my family, even if his beliefs are different.

 

This really spoke to me! Thank you. :)