What happens at your co-op when a child hits? (or hurts...)

[SonshineLearner]

Hi There,

 

Do you have consequences , at your co-op, for students who hurt others during recess? I'm thinking that at the least, if you hurt another child (on purpose) one week... the next you don't get to play at recess..

 

What do you think? What do you do?? How many times before the student gets asked to not come back?

 

I'm looking for any hints:-)

 

Thanks!

Carrie

[SonshineLearner]

:lurk5:

[Spy Car]

Are you talking 4 year olds, or 14 year olds?

 

Bill

[Stacie]

It depends on the age of the child. Younger children are corrected. Older children are corrected and repeat offenders are sent to a discipline committee who assess a punishment, which may include loss of a privilege (such as recess), a letter of apology to the other child, a verbal apology, time spent in a special room working on classwork at the supervision of a committee member or any combination of the above. The parent is always present for these visits, and all parents and children must agree to abide by this prior to the first day of co-op. Thankfully this type of correction is very rare since the reminder that this is the next step during the first warning is usually enough to stop the behavior.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Stacie
typos

[SonshineLearner]

Are you talking 4 year olds, or 14 year olds?

 

Bill

 

 

Hey Bill,

 

Good Question! This was a 5 year old, and it wasn't just a little problem. The one who pushed hadn't played with the little girl before... (so no prior anger that might be reflected upon) and it was a "mean" thing to do.... versus just a reaction.

 

And, I'm not trying to be judgemental. I have a 6 year old son, who has done mean things, and we are VERY strict about not hurting others. (Since we first started doing outings he has once kicked and twice bitten... in a total of the last year and a half. When he kicked.... he was just mad. When he bit, in his mind he was "helping" the little kids get free from their "pirate" kidnappers:-) I didn't put him back in the situation of playing with such older children.... I felt like it just wasn't a good situation for him. (or the kids he bit)

 

For us, that means that although I tend to be a talk through everything else parent... and some Love and Logic... that hurting others carries punitive penalties.... (not necessarily physical, but regardless of if spanked or not "no discussion needed about that" we do other penalties like giving a favorite toy to the hurt child.... etc....)

 

What I need suggestions about is what is done by a schoolish/Principalish person. This is the position I hold in the group. What should the penalty be for children who hurt others, on behalf of the group? (And of course, I have to remember that my child may push next... I need to be humble, as I don't care for Humble Pie:-)

 

Thanks!!

[Miss Marple]

The way we've handled it in the past is that the student must stay by the side of the adult in charge of recess. He/she is not able to participate until he/she is "big enough to be kind". Child is told that recess is a privilege - and he/she lost that privilege for poor behavior. If said child continued to have problems, the parent is responsible for accompanying the child at all times. That usually solved the problems.

 

If the problem occurred in the classroom, we did a similar thing in that we had said child sit next to teacher *or* the parent must accompany child and sit next to him/her.

 

We also have a 3 strikes policy. If the behavior continued, the family was told they could not bring the child back. It isn't fair that the other students dread co-op due to the bully. We've only had one instance where we had to enforce this.

[angela in ohio]

At our old co-op, there would have been a big meeting about how children have been hitting, with mandatory attendance even though many of us had to miss other things and drive a half hour just for it, and there would have been new rules that no children could be within ten feet of each other. Then we would have found out through the rumour mill that it was the leader's children doing it, and everyone would have been mad. Oh, wait, you wanted productive ways to handle it ;) ...

 

I would have a policy that they have to miss a certain amount of classes or activities. I would expect the parent to have them apologize, but if not, that would be part of it, too.

[jujsky]

I guess it depends on how large the co-op is, and how well it's being policed. Ours is a small co-op where we rotate houses (5 families, 9 kids when everyone is there). We made it sort of an informal rule among the parents that any of us will step into a parenting situation. Usually if the child's parent doesn't see the poor behavior, one of the other parents has,a nd will tell the child's parent. The parent will then discipline their child in whatever way they deem appropriate (usually a time-out, or they lose whatever toy they're playing with, and an apology is just one of those unspoken, mandatory things).

 

If it's a large co-op, I do think you need to have some set behavior rules. Behavior like that which went unnoticed/undisciplined was one of the reasons we left another co-op.

Edited November 12, 2009 by jujsky

[SonshineLearner]

At our old co-op, there would have been a big meeting about how children have been hitting, with mandatory attendance even though many of us had to miss other things and drive a half hour just for it, and there would have been new rules that no children could be within ten feet of each other. Then we would have found out through the rumour mill that it was the leader's children doing it, and everyone would have been mad. Oh, wait, you wanted productive ways to handle it ;) ...

 

I would have a policy that they have to miss a certain amount of classes or activities. I would expect the parent to have them apologize, but if not, that would be part of it, too.

 

I have been STRESSED thinking about this from bed till now. This at least made me laugh!! If it was my child, it would be SOOOO much easier... just embarrassing!! My husband would take care of it....(just listening to a lecture from him is considered a punishment) and my son would be stuck to my side the next week. I think that everyone knows me well enough to let me know... not if... but when my son is naughty!!!!! :lol::lol::lol: :D

 

 

And, BTW, I wanna know how all kids stay 10 feet away from each other.... That's funny~~

Carrie:-)

[Spy Car]

Hey Bill,

 

Good Question! This was a 5 year old, and it wasn't just a little problem. The one who pushed hadn't played with the little girl before... (so no prior anger that might be reflected upon) and it was a "mean" thing to do.... versus just a reaction.

 

And, I'm not trying to be judgemental. I have a 6 year old son, who has done mean things, and we are VERY strict about not hurting others. (Since we first started doing outings he has once kicked and twice bitten... in a total of the last year and a half. When he kicked.... he was just mad. When he bit, in his mind he was "helping" the little kids get free from their "pirate" kidnappers:-) I didn't put him back in the situation of playing with such older children.... I felt like it just wasn't a good situation for him. (or the kids he bit)

 

For us, that means that although I tend to be a talk through everything else parent... and some Love and Logic... that hurting others carries punitive penalties.... (not necessarily physical, but regardless of if spanked or not "no discussion needed about that" we do other penalties like giving a favorite toy to the hurt child.... etc....)

 

What I need suggestions about is what is done by a schoolish/Principalish person. This is the position I hold in the group. What should the penalty be for children who hurt others, on behalf of the group? (And of course, I have to remember that my child may push next... I need to be humble, as I don't care for Humble Pie:-)

 

Thanks!!

 

Children at 5 (while more mature than children at 4 or 3) are still testing the limits of their worlds, and sometimes confuse the imagery they may be exposed to in "fantasy violence" in books, cartoons, video games, and the like (for our kids I know it's only books :D) with "real life". Your own son's comments about freeing a child from pirates is a perfect example of this.

 

So we have to help them understand the limits. And we need to do so immediately and with clarity. A child who has hurt another child needs to know such behavior is unacceptable. No doubt about it.

 

While we need to make the limits absolutely clear, we also have to realize we are modeling behaviors not only to the child who has transgressed, but for all the children who are witnessing the discipline.

 

So the challenge is to make the transgressor clearly understand his or her behaviors are unacceptable, but to do so without "flying off the handle" and becoming "reactive" or "semi-violent" ourselves. If we reach inside for our "biggest grownup" and find a calm, yet firm well-reasoned response, then such incidents become teachable moments for everyone. Including us.

 

So an immediate calm (yet firm) reprimand. A clear articulation that the actions were unacceptable. Possibly a time-out or "naughty-chair" if the rebuke is not well accepted. With a sincere apology offered to the offended party.

 

And at the end of the day, another calm but firm recap of the rules, and some sort of invocation of the "Golden Rule", where the child acknowledges the way he or she treated another is not how he/she would like to be treated. And the discussion ending that he/she understands where they went wrong, and the hopefully ends in a spirit of optimism (and expectation) that they will do better in the future and will transgress no more.

 

That will work pretty well for 90% of children most of the time. Where there is a clear "bully" stronger actions maybe necessary, while still remembering that we should strive not to become "reactive". A child who won't listen may have to be sent home for the day. Or even suspended. But most children need (and desire) that boundaries be drawn. And do better if they are transgressions are dealt with immediately. Followed up on after the heat of the moment has passed (but the same day) and are then ask forgiveness and are forgiven.

 

Multi-day suspension of "recess" I think is counterproductive, as (especially for boys) this is a time to get their "need to move" impulses out of their systems. And it is hard for kids to connect with punishments that happened days before, and they (and their classmates) tend to start thinking of themselves as "bad" and that really undercuts the advantage that most children really do strive to be good.

 

My 2 cents.

 

Bill

Edited November 12, 2009 by Spy Car

[angela in ohio]

This at least made me laugh!!

 

Oh, good. I was hoping it would sound amusing instead of bitter (cause I'm not bitter at all, no, no.) ;)

 

Life is much simpler when all dc are ten feet away from each other, I'm sure. :D