Stepmoms - how do you deal with missing your stepchildren?

[*********]

I love my stepkids. We get along great. We're very close, and I try hard to be very open with them. We speak openly with each other about our feelings. According to both of them, their mother is unmedicated bi-polar. They love their mother, as well they should. I encourage them to have grace with her, to be good children for her, to be respectful and loving to her. I know she loves them, and tell the kids so. I'm just an open ear to listen to them vent if/when they want to. I've also told them then can call me anytime, anywhere; either to just chat, or to ask me to come get them, and I will, no questions asked (never without their mother's approval, of course.) We give hugs, snuggles, spend time hanging out together. I help them with whatever they need. Can you tell I love them? :D

 

When they're at their mom's, I miss them a lot. A lot. It's very hard; it's like a part of my family is missing. I know they both need and want to spend time with their mother, and that it would be an UNhealthy sitation if they didn't, or if they didn't want to.

 

Still, I miss them.

 

Any advice? Anyone BTDT? Any tips on how to stay connected with teenagers that won't make them feel 'smothered'? We got my stepdaughter a cellphone, and she and I text. DSS is not quite responsible enough for one yet, but maybe in a year or two. Dh and I call them in the evening about every other day when they're not here. They spend a lot of time at our house during the summer, but every other week we go 6 days without seeing them during the school year. (court determined schedule that their mother does not want to change. Can't say I blame her, I wouldn't want to, either.)

 

This morning is hard. Dh took dss to school after he spent the last four days with us. Dss and Dsd won't be back until Thursday.

 

I miss them. :(

 

ETA: Dh and I have been married for 8 years, so it's not like this is a 'new' thing.

Edited October 19, 2009 by bethanyniez

[myfunnybunch]

I have a teenage stepdaughter. She's lived with her dad/us full time since she was three. She went to live with her mother this year so that she can have a chance to have a daily relationship with her mother before she's grown and off to college. It is a good thing for both of them, and we knew it was likely to happen in her teen years.

 

But I miss her horribly. I miss her voice, I miss her smile, I even miss having to tell her for the umpteenth time to do her chores. She was home for this weekend and I didn't want to let her go.

 

We're a blended family, so lots of back and forth with both our teens. I won't say you'll get used to it, because I never really did. But you learn to deal. Acknowledge being sad and missing them, then move on with your day. It's just part of this life. Text a lot, call, keep listening, keep on loving them. It sounds like you have a great relationship with them, so keep doing what you're doing.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Carrie12345]

I'm not a stepmother, but I just wanted to say that you have some very lucky stepchildren.

 

As a bio-mom, I don't *like* having to "share" my son, but I know how important it is for him to have a relationship with his father, stepmother and other siblings. Sadly, he's lucky to hear from his father even once in between EOW visits, and even less frequently from his stepmom.

 

I know they love him. He knows they love him. But they're all obviously missing out on the closeness your family shares.

 

:grouphug: I wish I had some actual advice!

[*********]

I'm not a stepmother, but I just wanted to say that you have some very lucky stepchildren.

 

That's very kind of you to say, but honestly, I was afraid someone would say that.

 

Dh and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8. Dss and dsd were 2 and 5 when I met them.

 

I'm so ashamed to admit it, but there were times, in the past, when I prefered when my stepkids weren't here. I've had my rough times, relationship-wise, with each of them.

 

I don't know how it is for other stepmoms, but I didn't *love my stepkids when dh and I got married. I *liked them, they were cute and fun and all that. But I didn't miss them when they were gone.

 

Then, dss and I had a rocky time for a while. He was almost 6 when Zee was born, and he didn't handle that well. It was hard for both of us.

 

Then a few years ago, dsd and I had a rough patch, right around when she hit puberty. I think she went through a time where she felt she was in some way being 'disloyal' to her mom by liking me, so she had to not like me to prove how much she loved her mom.

 

I'm ashamed to admit that there were a few years that I looked forward to them going back to their mom's house. Of course, I never told them that, but still, I'm ashamed.

 

So I've not been a perfect stepmom. But I've put a lot of hard work and prayer into it, and I feel like I'm doing a good job now. :)