If you have adopted or were adopted through foster care...

[MamaSheep]

What one piece of advice would you give a family about to recieve their first placement? We've just been approved as the foster/adopt family for a 5 year old girl. We've met her already, once just dh and I, and once with the kids, and she seemed to get along well with our children. We don't yet know what the transition plan will consist of, but we have been told that a hearing has been scheduled for November, at which her birth family's rights are expected to be terminated, so DCFS was looking for a permanent family for her and we've said that barring anything majorly catostrophic and unforeseen we would love to adopt her if/when that happens.

 

I would love to hear from people who have BTDT from either side, or any side--adoptive parents, adoptees, adoptive siblings, birth families--about things we should be thinking about at this point, and ways to make the transition go smoothly and with as little trauma as possible for all concerned. Is there something you've done as a foster family that has made a difference? As a foster child was there something a foster parent did for you that was helpful or meaningful? What should we avoid doing?

 

Since it's pretty much a done deal that she will be moving in with our family in the next little while, I would most appreciate advice about making that transition work. Advice along the lines of "What are you thinking? Don't even go there!" is just not going to be helpful at this point.

 

Thanks!

Edited September 30, 2009 by MamaSheep

[Impish]

SpecialMama would probably have more advice, since she's gone through all the training, etc for adopting via foster care.

 

I can speak as the wife of an adoptee though. An unhappy adoptee.

 

First, NEVER introduce her as 'my adopted daughter'.

 

As with all children, be consistent...children coming from foster care have had little consistency in their lives. Even the fact that she's coming from a foster home to you guys is yet another change in her young life.

 

Expect a grieving period. For her, for you, for your kids. Your lives are changing forever, and even when you think you're prepared, the reality is rarely what you thought it would be. Even if you were having another bio child, there would be jealousy, etc on the part of your other children.

 

Get yourself a book on RAD, and implement those exercises. Even if she doesn't have full blown RAD, they're a good thing to build attachment.

 

Don't expect gratitude, or anything like it. Your other bio kids aren't grateful that you're their parent, so it goes with adoption.

 

An adopted child has a history. Parents, family...even negative, the child still loves them.

 

Children live up or down to expectations. "Oh well, she is adopted." doesn't help anyone...it just sends the message to the child that she's not really yours.

 

All of the above isn't from any hands on experience, but taken from my husband's. We've talked about adoption before, and these are some of the things he mentioned that he wouldn't do to a child that was adopted.

 

Some of the things are simple common sense, but he was raised by a woman with NPD...so common sense didn't exist in the slightest. :glare:

[MamaSheep]

SpecialMama would probably have more advice, since she's gone through all the training, etc for adopting via foster care.

 

I can speak as the wife of an adoptee though. An unhappy adoptee.

 

First, NEVER introduce her as 'my adopted daughter'.

 

As with all children, be consistent...children coming from foster care have had little consistency in their lives. Even the fact that she's coming from a foster home to you guys is yet another change in her young life.

 

Expect a grieving period. For her, for you, for your kids. Your lives are changing forever, and even when you think you're prepared, the reality is rarely what you thought it would be. Even if you were having another bio child, there would be jealousy, etc on the part of your other children.

 

Get yourself a book on RAD, and implement those exercises. Even if she doesn't have full blown RAD, they're a good thing to build attachment.

 

Don't expect gratitude, or anything like it. Your other bio kids aren't grateful that you're their parent, so it goes with adoption.

 

An adopted child has a history. Parents, family...even negative, the child still loves them.

 

Children live up or down to expectations. "Oh well, she is adopted." doesn't help anyone...it just sends the message to the child that she's not really yours.

 

All of the above isn't from any hands on experience, but taken from my husband's. We've talked about adoption before, and these are some of the things he mentioned that he wouldn't do to a child that was adopted.

 

Some of the things are simple common sense, but he was raised by a woman with NPD...so common sense didn't exist in the slightest. :glare:

 

 

Thanks, this is what I'm looking for. We've given a lot of these issues a lot of thought already, but it's always good to be reminded. Was your dh older when adopted or was he adopted as an infant? I have a brother who was adopted as an infant, but that's not quite the same, as he has no memories of his birth family at all, whereas this little girl will.

 

I'm not anticipating anything resembling gratitude from any of my kids until they're at least 35 (though they do pleasantly surprise me now and then) and I'm not really expecting things to truly settle into their new version of "normal" for at least a good six months, if not longer, and I know there will be new challenges and adjustments popping up for the rest of our lives. It did take ds a while to get used to having one sister, and I definitely anticipate some rivalry and jockeying for position going on around here over the next year or so. I'm also anticipating some regression in all three of them, and have begun to see a little of that in my current 2 kids already. But as you say, that is to be expected to some degree even with a new bio sibling. It'll be different in some ways with a 5yo than with a baby, though. Babies are fairly non-threatening and give you awhile to get used to them before they start taking your stuff.

 

I definitely don't intend to draw distinctions between my children based on where they came from. If you're my child, you're my child; sorry babe, that's all there is to it. My view on it is that God sent her to us every bit as much as He sent our others to us, just via a different route (though of course at this point we don't know for sure whether He sent her here permanently, or just temporarily).

 

I think it's the nitty gritty daily life specifics of it that have me a little baffled going in--HOW do I make it work? What does it look like in real life? And I think some of that will just have to wait until we get to know her a little better so we know what kinds of things will make HER feel loved and included. Your suggestion of getting a book on RAD is a good one. She has definitely been through some disruptive times in her life and could probably use some support in forming bonds, even though she doesn't have that diagnosis.

 

The birth family thing is a bit mysterious to me too. I have met her birth mom and my heart SO goes out to her. I can tell she loves her daughter as much as she knows how, and she's clearly had a hard life herself to get to this point. I do want to honor this child's attachments to her birth family, but also help her to understand the practicalities of WHY they were unable to keep her--which isn't going to be easy or pretty. And I know that her understanding of her circumstances will probably change over the years as she grows up and gains a more mature perspective on the whole business.

 

We're definitely not expecting it to be all hearts and roses and violin music, and I think the expectations we do have are fairly realistic. We've had quite a bit of training, both through DCFS and through other sources over the years as we've learned to deal with some challenging parenting issues with our son. We feel fairly prepared (and know that SOMETHING will come up that we're not as ready for as we thought, but we have some good resources for when that happens). I'm just trying to figure out some of the little things to do and say so that she knows we're on her side through all of the changes and emotions. It's...really something...

[MotherMayI]

We have adopted through foster care, but our dd was a newborn when she came home so our experience was very different from yours. I have many friends who have adopted older children- and each of them in their own way parented their f/a child in a calm, consistent, and loving manner. No matter what the child threw at them, they stayed calm, let the child know that nothing they said or did would change the fact that they loved him/her and that this was their home. In my observation the first year was really challenging, but after that year marker they seemed to turn a corner. It will be hard work- but so worth it!

 

Best wishes on your journey!

[Impish]

My dh was placed with my MIL just shy of his 2nd birthday. He'd been in foster care from the time he was 6 months old.

 

One thing I'd like to say, that others completely disagree with, is for the love of all things holy DO NOT CHANGE THIS CHILD'S NAME.

 

My husband was stripped of the only family he ever knew, placed with a stranger, and had his name taken from him as well. Talk about damage.

 

Its one thing to change the name of an infant, but the first name (in dh's case, entire name, first, middle, last) of a toddler and older that KNOWS their name is imo, selfish and cruel. Last names change, yup, got it. Can even see changing or adding a middle name. No problem. But to have "Jane" placed with you and suddenly start calling her "Lisa" because that's the name YOU always wanted is simply cruel.

 

Dh didn't initially understand why I started foaming at the mouth when I made that discovery. Then when Tazzie was two, I said, "You know...I'm tired of the name 'Tazzie'. Lets call him "Brian"." He looked at me like I was insane and told me that was impossible, Tazzie knew his name, etc. Then the light went on. Children are not pets to be renamed.

 

I know there's a tonne of folks that disagree with me on this, I can just tell you the effect it had on my dh. Even before he was able to pinpoint why (demonstrated again with Tazzie at 2) the incredible feeling of loss, strangeness, etc was something he associated with being placed with MIL. Realizing the name switch had all sorts of lights go on for him.

 

Course, the fact that she's plain NUTS and has (according to the symptom lists) NPD doesn't help at ALL.

 

Oh, and another suggestion. Please do not discuss her adoption story with her in ear shot. Its internalized as being 'different' and 'not really yours' by the child. Trust me. My husband is 41, and his mother STILL launches into his adoption story with anyone and everyone...I'm talking cashiers at the grocery store. She's done it his entire life. He has a feeling of being a 'trophy' "her entrance into the Mom Club" and has often wondered what would have happened if her 2nd (brief) marriage had produced a child.

 

I'm just warning of potential, unthought of pitfalls. His adoption was positive in that he didn't spend his life bouncing through foster care the way most of his bsibs did. That's about the only positive he really counts. I've asked.

 

ETA: I've heard that making memories, fast and furious helps. Lots of pics, in an album of their own, including any you can get from foster care, bmom, etc. It gives a sense of history and belonging, that they didn't just suddenly begin life with you.

Edited September 30, 2009 by Impish

[LNC]

We adopted through foster care. I could write a book on this, but I would encourage you to cultivate a tender heart towards the entire birth family. Sometimes the most compassionate result for everyone is termination and adoption. Yet, throughout the process it takes work to cultivate a tender heart of compassion, especially when you want to adopt. Yet, I believe that helps not only the child the most - but it really is the whole purpose of the foster care system. We saw it as a ministry to the entire birth family, that after a long painful process led to the adoption of our wonderful son.

Edited September 30, 2009 by LNC

[MamaSheep]

Oh, you all are great for helping me think this through!

 

Lisa, I've been told that the first year is the toughest, and that makes sense to me since not only is everyone adjusting to living with new people, but you also have lots of firsts that year--first birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., in the new family (and/or away from the old one(s) )and that has to be complicated emotionally. This is probably not the best year imaginable to throw that chaos into our lives, but we'll deal. It's always something around here, and it might as well be this. We've already had some good practice at remaining calm under stress with our son (he's much improved in recent years but has been very "educational" for us to raise) and honestly it takes a lot to make us twitchy these days. Some of the things foster mom says are driving her up the wall seem fairly tame on our scale of things to get worked up about.

 

Impish, I'm with you on name changes for older kids. This little girl is proudly writing her name her very own self in Kindergarten (she showed me and she just GLOWED!). I can't take that away from her. On the other hand, her current name is typically a nickname for a little girl and we may (if it doesn't seem too traumatic for her) change her first name to the grown-up version of the same name and continue using her current name as a nickname until she's older. But that's the most we'd change her first name. Middle and last...we'll have to wait and see what's most meaningful to her. In our family girls typically don't have middle names until they marry, but if it seems like it will matter to her we'll keep them and just tack our last name on the end (assuming it goes all the way to adoption). I THINK foster mom said she has a memory book already with photos and whatnot, and we would definitely keep that for her and look at it with her and talk with her about her past as needed. It seems like a difficult balance to strike. We don't want to shove her background in her face to the point where she feels like an outsider in our family, but we also don't want to erase it and make her feel all adrift and like it's taboo to talk about. She'll be processing it for the rest of her life and we want her to be able to talk with us about her adoption story, even the painful parts, while still making sure she feels connected to us and knows we love her no matter what. (And it's funny, I DO love her already even though I hardly know her...)

 

LNC - I do feel for the family. I've met the mom, and while I'm excited for us, I am also heartbroken for her. It's an odd set of feelings to have at the same time. I haven't met the birth father and it sounds as though he has not been very involved even though he could have been, so I'm having a harder time feeling very sympathetic to him. I gather there's a grandmother sort of on the fringes of the scenario, but we don't know much about her yet. I feel for the foster mom too, who loves this little girl but can't keep her due to circumstances in her own life. There are a lot of people who care about this little girl, and that's wonderful, but that also means there will be a lot of heartache and things to mourn in this transition, as well as (I like to think) some happy ones. I imagine that the mourning will overshadow the happy bits much of the time for a while. We're coming into the scene pretty late in the game, as there's already a termination hearing scheduled (which, of course, may or may not result in termination). DCFS has been working with the family for quite a while, and I do think, from reviewing the file, that termination is probably the best for all concerned--but it's very sad that this is the case. Especially for birth mom, who has already lost other children. I just cannot imagine, and my heart SO ACHES for her! If you have more thoughts on connecting with the birth family at an appropriate level at this point in the situation, I would definitely LOVE to hear them.

[Ottakee]

We adopted 3 through foster care and fostered over 100 others.

 

On the name thing, I would not change her first name, maybe a middle name. We DID change the names of our youngest 2 but they were infants and we called them by those names since they came. With our son, he came at 7 1/2 years old. We ASKED him if he wanted to change his middle name or not. He chose my husband's first name as his middle name. Interestingly though, his bio sisters were adopted at 11 and 14 and they WANTED to change their first names (a sign of a fresh start for them) but the adoptive family didn't do it as they were advised not to---I think the girls still now as adults wish they could have changed their names.

 

Do not plan anything major for at least the first 2 weeks she is with you. Try to keep things VERY calm and simple, the less visitors and big outings the better. This is a huge adjustment for all.

 

Make sure to give your other kids some 1:1 time as well---maybe 1/2 hour at night after the younger one is in bed, etc. Esp. for your daughter she is going from the only girl and baby of the fmaily to the middle child and 1 of 2 girls.

 

Join adoption support groups and get to know other adoptive families in your area.

[LNC]

Oh, you all are great for helping me think this through!

 

 

LNC - I do feel for the family. I've met the mom, and while I'm excited for us, I am also heartbroken for her. It's an odd set of feelings to have at the same time. I haven't met the birth father and it sounds as though he has not been very involved even though he could have been, so I'm having a harder time feeling very sympathetic to him. I gather there's a grandmother sort of on the fringes of the scenario, but we don't know much about her yet. I feel for the foster mom too, who loves this little girl but can't keep her due to circumstances in her own life. There are a lot of people who care about this little girl, and that's wonderful, but that also means there will be a lot of heartache and things to mourn in this transition, as well as (I like to think) some happy ones. I imagine that the mourning will overshadow the happy bits much of the time for a while. We're coming into the scene pretty late in the game, as there's already a termination hearing scheduled (which, of course, may or may not result in termination). DCFS has been working with the family for quite a while, and I do think, from reviewing the file, that termination is probably the best for all concerned--but it's very sad that this is the case. Especially for birth mom, who has already lost other children. I just cannot imagine, and my heart SO ACHES for her! If you have more thoughts on connecting with the birth family at an appropriate level at this point in the situation, I would definitely LOVE to hear them.

 

Mama Sheep, I was speaking in generalizations! Not about you personally - you have a wonderful heart for foster/adoption and that will serve you and everyone involved well!