trouble schooling one of my kids

[Elizabeth Conley]

I guess because I have one of those problem -> solution oriented "male" minds, I keep going back to the question of how to keep your daugher from destroying a computer.

 

I think if she decides to damage it, she will. I doubt there's any way to make a computer sturdy enough to resist the efforts of a determined child. Still, I'm going to think about this and do some research.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Hmm...

 

http://www.peeweepc.com/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=70&idcategory=2

 

I'm thinking maybe I need this baby. I'm at least as destructive as the average child!

[Denisemomof4]

Oh, you've had some terrific advice from some moms who've really been there! I really enjoyed reading through the thread and have stored up some of the advice for myself! Who knew that there were so many moms in similar situations on this board...moms with good, practical advice to offer. I feel supported just reading their posts of support to you!

 

I particularly like the posts that focus on setting limits while disengaging. I try to do that with my daughter as well. There are some things we do together (math is one for us, because she has a tendency to panic with numbers due to her SPD), others that I insist she do herself because engaging her would become a game. Rewards and limits must be dispassionately applied so as not to be sucked into the manipulation. I, too, am the focus for her games because I'm the "stand-in" for the mom who abandoned her. My job, especially with school right now, is to balance offering her love and attention at appropriate times with dispassionately enforcing the rules for behavior. She has a list of chores...I don't get involved with their completion (she's completely capable of doing what is asked) but DO withhold allowance if they aren't completed. I hand back work done sloppily or deliberately below her abilities and state that it must be redone or she will not have afterschool privileges (friends, TV, extracurricular activities, etc.). No hand-wringing, no sitting beside her and babying her through it, just a dispassionate "this is what is expected of you, I will not allow you to sell yourself short. I believe in you...I insist that you believe in yourself."

 

DD consistently tries to require my hand-holding or to try to get away with a lower level of work than she is capable of doing. If I feed into it, we'd be sitting there for hours with DD trying to yank my chain all the way along. So, it's a balancing act of lavishing love, attention and lots of unconditional acceptance whenever possible with demanding she live up to her potential, period. Tough love, tough to do, draining on mom but necessary.

 

Hang in there, honey. God would not ask you to do a job that He didn't think you could handle! He's got your back. :D

 

now look at how eloquently and gracefully you posted what I was trying to say. Thank you for posting your experience! We are doing the same thing here that you are doing for your daughter. I told my dd today that she's so smart and I love her too much to allow herself to ruin her school experience. We've had a lot of college talk in the house lately because oldest ds is going to be going next year and he's applying for scholarships right now. So she does understand about college. I told her that I expect her to do her best in school at home so she can do well in college later in life. And, I told her I know exactly what she is capable of doing. She gets it.

 

As I said yesterday, I could see the stress cracks in her and felt that I could start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Guess what? Today was a PERFECT day and she did superb on her school work. I made a fantastic lunch to reward her - only she has NO CLUE that it was a reward. That, too, would fail her. I gave her a BIG hug, told her, "Nice job!" and made a huge spread for lunch.

 

Her tummy is full and she's....... in the bathroom doing what needs to be done WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE DONE. :party::cheers2::hurray::hurray::thumbup:

 

Today is a GOOD day. :001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

I guess because I have one of those problem -> solution oriented "male" minds, I keep going back to the question of how to keep your daugher from destroying a computer.

 

I think if she decides to damage it, she will. I doubt there's any way to make a computer sturdy enough to resist the efforts of a determined child. Still, I'm going to think about this and do some research.

 

thank you very much but honestly, if it ever came to having to resort to a computer program (which I am STRONGLY resisting for now because ultimately we interact more when we're doing the schooling together, which she needs!) there's probably no other way than for me to be in the room with her. I can't leave her out of my sight. This is also something I hope one day I won't always have to do - constant supervision.

 

I'm hoping, praying, keeping my fingers crossed, holding my breath, crossing my toes. I really want to avoid a computer program but am very realistic and know it may be a necessity one day.

[Denisemomof4]

Dear Denise,

 

I've been silently following this discussion, and my heart goes out to you.

 

 

 

I have had significant exposure to emotionally ill children, mentally ill people and personality disordered adults. For this reason, I too would say that mental illness is the one thing that I would find extremely difficult to cope with. People think I'm unkind to say this, but only if they haven't been there. I sympathize with you, because I have been there.

 

I think you are wise to set your daughter up with lessons on the computer. She can't emotionally manipulate the computer. Unfortunately, there's a very high probability she will damage the computer to get to you. How does she treat her own possessions? If she has her own computer, will she destroy it?

 

There is a lot of advice written about how to get kids with RAD to stop lying. I hate to pass this advice on to you, because I suspect that you've probably read it all and tried most of it. If you're interested in reading some of this, I'll send you links. I think the lying is a major issue. You're right to avoid placing her in contact with gullible people. Frankly, most people are gullible when it comes to the type of lying emotionally ill children and personality disordered adults engage in. If you can possibly correct or mitigate the lying problem, then it would be easier to get outside help for her other issues.

 

Support from other adults in the community could really lighten your load.

 

Please don't get discouraged.

 

well, now you've done it. I'm sobbing - and on a day she's doing fantastic! But they're good tears, I'm really touched by your words.

 

Trying to get her PROPER help has been hell on earth, which is why I've had to resort to buying tons of resources and studying I'm sure thousands of hours. Honestly, I should have been paid to teach some of the therapists I've brought her to. I don't remember specific instructions on how to deal with the lying and would be very interested in reading off the links! Thanks SO much!

 

Honestly, I have a FABULOUS husband who gives me plenty of time away. He will take her to work, I will go away on a weekend day or for a weekend. We can leave together, a DATE, while oldest ds is here for another year, and hopefully younger ds will eventually become more mature/responsible so we can leave him in charge. I really do have down time and have also learned how not to be sucked in (I have my weak moments!). I just hope and pray that we can avoid a horrific teenage experience with her (my mentally ill brother was SO hard on my mother as a teen that ultimately I think is what destroyed her health and caused lots of physical suffering and premature death) by homeschooling and keeping her out of PS. She would absolutely fail there. We have very special "girl days" since boys are in PS, and I think this year is ultimately going to turn out to be a great year. Now that I've put my foot down HARD and steered my daughter away from the negative spiral, I think things will get easier. I can assure you with almost certainty that tomorrow she'll try something small to get to me, SMALL, and I will just redirect her and move on. Today was THE breakthrough I was waiting for. I knew it would eventually happen.

:grouphug:

 

 

I knew she would turn around. A therapist I spoke to on the phone told me if I got her to the point where she was doing fantastic for 8 - 9 months before, I can do it again. We had so much to deal with this past year and I only started to give my family my FULL, UNDIVIDED attention in September.

[Lovedtodeath]

as is common for most adoptive mothers with kids with severe issues, I am tired of defending myself. Unless you have a RAD child, you just don't understand.

 

I will not be addressing any more responses that encourage me to fail my daughter.

With all due respect, you did not say that she had RAD in your OP. Many of us only read the OP and not the other posts. Don't let posts that don't understand your situation bother you. :grouphug: Ignoring them seems to be your best move. Maybe your OP should state that you only want responses from those familiar with RAD?

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug:, Denise.

 

I've not read through the whole thread yet...just the first and last pages, but I had to stop here and just send you a hug. I can say with confidence that I understand your pain and my heart goes out to you! I, too, am home schooling an adopted child with attachment issues (amongst several other issues including SPD) and I am SO often misunderstood, judged, blamed, given well-meaning but ill-informed advice, etc. It hurts. So much so, in fact, that there are many days I'd like to just shut all the doors and windows and just keep my family away from everyone. Before I read your post, I was sitting here by the computer discussing just that with my DH! You are right when you say that unless someone has walked in your shoes, your situation is impossible to fully understand. Even with the similarities in our situations, I can't and wouldn't ever say that I completely understand your child and the choices you face. I can only say that I hurt with you.

 

As far as well-meaning but ill-informed advice goes, I try to let it be like water off a duck's back. Most opinions fall into this category, save the few that are intentionally nasty or judgemental. Those whom I trust and whose opinion I value get listened to and their opinion weighed, but roundly ignored if they just don't get it. Unless you've walked in my shoes, it's impossible to understand. I'm the only mom this kid has got, I know her best and understand her difficulties better than anyone...I've got to make the choices I feel are best for her. No one else can walk this path for me.

 

Want to vent? PM me anytime and I'll just listen without offering advice. I've learned to be good at that. ;)

 

and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to you and feel free to PM me, too!

 

I have really come to understand that I FULLY need to trust my "gut" (or what ever you want to call it) in everything. I have followed the advice of a therapist, against my better judgment, only to find that it wasn't right for her. I have also learned through the years what will or won't work, and then hear some things and think, "Hey! That's a GREAT idea!" Like you, just weighing all the options.

 

Thanks SO much for your understanding and encouraging words!

[hornblower]

I will not be addressing any more responses that encourage me to fail my daughter. I will NOT sit by her side and watch her do her math or phonics because I, as her mother, know that is the absolutely worst thing I can do for her. For all who don't understand, so be it.

 

 

You know what - I get that you're stressed & this is a lot to carry. But this was just not kind to Lizzie & to some of the other folks who posted.

I don't think anyone who responded on this thread wants anyone to fail their child. People take the time to offer something because they're trying to help.

 

I think this thread should have been either in the special needs section or more clearly labelled 'only people with RAD kids can reply'. All there was in the OP was one line about this being an adopted child. Nobody ever knows your full circumstances & most people are trying to be helpful even if you don't find it so.

 

I do hope you find some solutions & I'm glad you're having better days.

 

I have two adopted nephews & one of them is definitely a difficult child - I'm not going to get into his dx's beyond that as it's not relevant.... but I know it's a hard path you walk. You sound really stressed & I hope you find the support you need.

 

best wishes

[Denisemomof4]

With all due respect, you did not say that she had RAD in your OP. Many of us only read the OP and not the other posts. Don't let posts that don't understand your situation bother you. :grouphug: Ignoring them seems to be your best move. Maybe your OP should state that you only want responses from those familiar with RAD?

:grouphug:

 

I'm really sorry for posting what I did in that one post. I knew I would. :blushing:

[Denisemomof4]

Hmm...

 

http://www.peeweepc.com/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=70&idcategory=2

 

I'm thinking maybe I need this baby. I'm at least as destructive as the average child!

 

WOW!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely LOVE what I read!!! If nothing else, we can use this for educational software games! I'd really like her to have her own computer as all the other kids have already stated STRONGLY not to allow her to use theirs (they all share one) because they know she'd break it.

 

Dh is an engineer/manager - I'm going to have him look into this! THANKS!

[Lovedtodeath]

 

I'm really sorry for posting what I did in that one post. I knew I would. :blushing:

I, for one, understand. :grouphug: You might want to edit the OP so you are no longer bothered by those of us who aren't giving you what you need.

[Tree House Academy]

Okay...went back and read all other posts and realized more to the story than the OP. *HUGS* Denise...I can't even imagine how hard it must be. And my heart breaks for her too - for the abuse and life she lived before she came to you. God bless!

Edited October 6, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[Denisemomof4]

You know what - I get that you're stressed & this is a lot to carry. But this was just not kind to Lizzie & to some of the other folks who posted.

I don't think anyone who responded on this thread wants anyone to fail their child. People take the time to offer something because they're trying to help.

 

 

 

you are right, and I apologized. (hanging head in shame)

 

I don't expect everyone to wade through all the posts, but I got tired of having to address one thing several times. MY issue, I should have ignored.

 

I don't think this needed to be posted anywhere else. This is the place where your chances or responses are the greatest.

 

Again, I truly am sorry, Lizzie. I read the initial post all the time and respond without reading the replies. I was rude.

:sad::blushing:

[Tree House Academy]

Oops...bet I should read all the other posts now. LOL I will BRB. Definitely dont' mean to offend.

 

Done...edited post above. *hugs*

Edited October 6, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[Denisemomof4]

I, for one, understand. :grouphug: You might want to edit the OP so you are no longer bothered by those of us who aren't giving you what you need.

 

I'm sorry for looking ungrateful for the advice and looking bothered. Actually, I'm very touched, just got tired of the ONE thing that kept coming up - and that was my issue. I'm sorry!

 

How can I edit my original post now? There's no edit button for me..... I've never seen that before, where I couldn't edit?

[Denisemomof4]

Oops...bet I should read all the other posts now. LOL I will BRB. Definitely dont' mean to offend.

 

Done...edited post above. *hugs*

 

OH!!! I'M JUST TO TIRED OF THIS!!!

:tongue_smilie:

 

kidding!!!

:leaving:

[Elizabeth Conley]

Dear Denise,

 

I hope you're having a good week. Here's an excellent source of advice on RAD and lying:

 

http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/2008/02/lieing-and-rad.html

 

I am curious to know what your husband thought of the "kid-resistant" laptop. I asked hubby if it was right for me, and he said I'd need more memory than this laptop offered. Drat! I am harder on my toys than most kids. I would love to have a laptop that could stand up to my lifestyle!

 

I know life is rough right now, but I think you have a very good shot at radically improving your daughter's path for her entire life. When the patterns of behavior she exhibits become adult habits, they are nearly impossible to alter. Right now, there's hope. I'll be praying for you both - I mean that!

 

Blessings,

 

Elizabeth

[Denisemomof4]

Dear Denise,

 

I hope you're having a good week. Here's an excellent source of advice on RAD and lying:

 

http://reactiveattachmentdisorderlife.blogspot.com/2008/02/lieing-and-rad.html

 

I am curious to know what your husband thought of the "kid-resistant" laptop. I asked hubby if it was right for me, and he said I'd need more memory than this laptop offered. Drat! I am harder on my toys than most kids. I would love to have a laptop that could stand up to my lifestyle!

 

I know life is rough right now, but I think you have a very good shot at radically improving your daughter's path for her entire life. When the patterns of behavior she exhibits become adult habits, they are nearly impossible to alter. Right now, there's hope. I'll be praying for you both - I mean that!

 

Blessings,

 

Elizabeth

 

can't wait to dig into that article! We're really having a great week! She will be doing some minor testing in the coming days (I'm SO used to her patterns) but I believe we're on our way back to the incredibly long upswing we had before all the family crises. I know we'll get back to that place, hopefully soon!

 

Hubby said he needs to do the comparisons but that he wants to wait until I know for sure what I want to do. I'm still thinking we can buy it for educational games for her for now. She's the only one who's not allowed to touch the computer as it belongs to her two brothers.

 

I didn't realize I started my post saying I wanted a computer program. After a few days I forgot about the computer part. :blushing:n Honestly, I really would like to have it to "supplement" our days. I've made up my mind, I'll ask him to do the comparisons.

 

Thanks again so much! You're a sweetie!