How did YOU stop being defensive??

[SonshineLearner]

Hi There:-)

Ok, so I've always been defensive. I try to breath, and take the same steps and angry person would be.

I mull things over in my mind.

I think about what I did that was wrong, or WHY I think I was right. Even if I was right, I'm not sure telling other people ever works.

I have a combination of pride, defensiveness, and I'm a people-pleaser, too.

How do you deal with it, when someone says something about you, that makes you feel that whole combo of sadness/defensiveness....etc.

 

Anyone have ideas about how to let things go...and not be defensive?? (Or sad, or <insert here>???

 

Carrie:-)

[Cammie]

I try to focus on understanding why the other person felt the need to complain/point out something. What fault is there in their character that drives them to make such negative comments on other people?:001_rolleyes: I guess I try to make the whole encounter less about me and more about them. That way I have nothing to be defensive about!

[RanchGirl]

I find it very easy not to react to provocation (real or imagined) when I remember the following things:

 

(1) people just suck sometimes. They make mistakes, they act like jerks, they only see things from their own perspective, or they say something stupid/hurtful/insensitive without thinking. Sometimes all of the above. They might be having a bad day, or they may truly be a total jack***. Either way, I can't change them, and it doesn't have to affect me unless I let it.

 

(2) I have participated in some of the behaviors listed in #1 myself on occasion. So I'll cut them a little slack and hopefully someday they'll do the same for me. Since I can't control other people, the only person I can improve is myself. If I find myself dwelling on some silly interaction with someone, I can go put on some music and dance around the family room with the kids, or take the dog for a walk, and poof, priorities re-aligned.

 

and (3) I try to remember that my kids are always watching how I react to things!!

[Ibbygirl]

I try not to assume the worst and give them the benefit of the doubt. It's amazing how many times something simple can be misinterpreted and can be cleared up by asking for clarification. If I encounter a particularly negative (or provoking) person who has a record for being that way, I don't take what they say personally. They are like that to everybody and are not singling me out to be nasty. They're just that way. If they really really bug me, I just try to avoid them if I can. I'm a pretty easy going person and don't get ruffled too easily, but when I do these things work for me. :) HTH. :)

[Mrs Mungo]

What makes you think I'm defensive?

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: Just kidding! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[Mama Bear]

First, is the thing I'm thinking about true? If so, is it absolutely, certainly true with no other possible explanation for it? If there's some other possible explanation, it's useful to consider that thoroughly -- pretend it's true, if you will. Then, how do I feel when I believe the first thought? And the second? Which of those is more likely to help me get where I'm pointed?

 

From a Christian perspective... If we believe that Jesus died to save us, what else is there? Not one thing can touch us, damage us, affect us in the adverse and destructive ways that we often let them. If God is in His heaven, all's right with the world. Oversimplification? Oh, absolutely. And yet -- is it true? For me -- yes.

 

And when someone cuts you off in traffic? Assume that there's someone in their back seat, bleeding out. Or that the driver is just about in the middle of an exploding aneurysm. Really. My emotions then shift immediately from building irritation and annoyance to compassion. My blood pressure drops, my eyeballs don't want to explode, and I don't have to think uncomplimentary things about anyone's mother. And really -- is it true? How would I know? More often than not, some hideous thing really is happening for that other person. Even if they're just getting in their own way with selfish behavior, some hideous thing is happening or is about to happen to them. Reacting angrily ups the stakes in a game I don't even want to play. So instead, I've gone with a less angst filled series of thoughts. Most of the time. ;)

 

I think the ultimate secret is this: very few of the interactions we have on a daily basis are based exclusively on our own issues. If someone is behaving badly, it almost never has anything to do with you. (And if they try to make it be about you, boy is that a sign of even bigger problems than you already suspected within that person.) So if you can work yourself toward a place where your responses are almost always coming from the same place that you get the compassionate words you use for friends in crisis, I think you'll immediately see a difference. And who knows? Say a store clerk is rude to you one day. Maybe her cat died that morning. Or her grandma was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Or her apartment burned the night before and she's focused on the neighbor, in the hospital with third degree burns because he came to save her.

 

:grouphug: You will so get there, dearie. You will. Most people never even think to ask the question, much less wait, open to hearing the answers. :grouphug:

Edited September 16, 2009 by Mama Bear
clarity

[Amber in SJ]

what cured defensiveness for me is the intense therapy applied by my 15 1/2 year old dd for the past year or so. Once you have had every single decision, idea, belief, or notion commented on, most often in a way that implies a lack of intelligence on your part, by a person that you love and work hard for you learn to say;

 

"Thank you for your opinion."

"Huh, that is an interesting way to think about that."

"I love you very much, but I am going to go with my plan."

"I am aware of your feelings on the matter, you expressed them so well."

"I am sure you didn't mean to insult me because I know you love me."

"I am sorry you don't approve of XYZ, but it is my decision."

"I am sorry you are upset about XYZ, but it is not up for further discussion."

 

Without a second thought and you keep moving forward. Once you can say those things to someone in your immediate family the rest of the world is a piece of cake.

 

Who has the "Be the duck" in their siggy line? That is my current mantra.

 

Amber in SJ

[eternalknot]

How do you deal with it, when someone says something about you, that makes you feel that whole combo of sadness/defensiveness....etc.

 

Anyone have ideas about how to let things go...and not be defensive?? (Or sad, or <insert here>???

 

 

Like another poster said, I definitely take a minute to think of the CONTEXT surrounding thie comment. Is this person angry in general, and displacing it onto me? Is this person someone I trust, and is telling me what I need to hear - even if it's not in the most delicate way? Is this something I know to be true about me, but am not ready to face or admit? Is this coming from a person who has intentions just to hurt me?

 

More times than not, that lessens my need to defend myself. Because I know there isn't a real purpose in trying to defend myself against the opinions of certain people, nor against something that is true about me.

 

Most of the time, though, I just detach myself from the idea that every one in the world MUST KNOW that I'm right. Or WAS right. Or AM not x-that-I-was-accused-of-being. Or AM that person, but have my reasons for being so. Does this make any sense? I guess I'm saying that it has to be enough for me to know and feel comfortable that I am who I am (warts and all). If Sally doesn't believe this to be true about me, so be it. Hopefully I can use future actions to convince her otherwise; it's wasted energy trying to verbally convince her so rightthisminute - you know?

 

Along those lines, I guess for me it boils down to this flowchart: is this someone that would come visit me in the hospital if I were sick and dying? Out of genuine care and desire, not social or filial obligation.

 

If yes - then I would be remiss to not think about what they're saying. I might not agree at the end, but at least I can hope they're coming from a good place (however misdirected LOL).

 

If no - then seriously, who cares. I have no extra time to roam the world trying to convince the general population of who I am and why I'm not what they are accusing me of being. It's a losing battle, and there are more productive ways to spend my resources. Plus they ain't listenin' anyhow LOL. Internet forums would fall under this category ;)

 

It boils down to knowing and accepting that I'm not perfect - that others will identify my flaws, and maybe even broadcast them. Likewise, nobody else is perfect, and I'll be able to identify THEIR flaws. My journey is to work on not broadcasting those, regardless of how they acknowledge my own. I've found that through this mindset, I've felt less need to defend myself.