Housecleaning rant! Advice PLEASE!!

[MomLovesClassics]

Here is my rant. I asked my daughter several times pick up the toys that were all over the floor in the dining room. There is no table in the room, basically an empty room. Except we had some old bedroom furniture in there, that has been in there for six months. My daughter got new furniture about 6 months ago, so we put the old stuff in the dining room temporarily. It has been difficult to clean in the room with toys all over the floor, and furniture in the middle of the floor. Today I gave her the choice pick up the toys or they go in the trash. She didn't pick them up, so I trashed them. My husband was supposed to get all that furniture out six months ago. So today I pick up, drag, and everything else to get it outside while everyone else sits on their behinds. My son is 10, so he should be big enough to make his bed, sweep the floor in his room clean it up etc. So I have to give him instructions more than a dozen times, of I asked you to move this from here to there. Oh and forget him picking up a broom. Then my husband wonders why I was in a bad mood. I told him I am so tired of everytime I ask for any help with cleaning, everyone acts helpless, and it wears me out, and if he wants me in a better mood give me some help sometimes. After moving lots of heavy furniture, sweeping, mopping, dusting, scrubbing bathrooms, changing sheets on beds, I am exhausted. If I don't do these things it does not get done. To top it off, my husband babies the kids and never makes them lift a finger. My living room once looked nice, but it is now a disaster. I give my husband storage bins, and he has print outs of this and that and books stacked, and it looks so tacky and junky, he does not use the bins. I did not grow up in a messy disorganized house, I don't enjoy living in a messy disorganized house. I don't think my husband sets a good example for our kids. I suggest chores, and it goes in one ear and out the other. I should not have to cook, then do dishes everynight. Not to mention all the other chores. I understand my husband has a job and works hard. However, I can't constantly pick up after everyone all the time. I am the only one who ever feeds the cat, gives the cat water, and changes the cat box. Someone give some suggestions of what sort of chores a 10 year old boy, and a 6 year old can do. I give up on the husband. They don't even make up their beds! They are driving me insane.

[dangermom]

Bummer. I'm sorry to hear that. I know that bad mood very well!

 

First: don't just tell them to do a job and then leave the room and expect it to get done. Tell them to do the job and then watch them do it, and inspect it. (This is known as "they do what you inspect, not what you expect.") If they're watching TV or whatever, they cannot continue that until the job is done.

 

I frequently use small bribes, almost. We can't do whatever fun thing is planned until the jobs are done. This can even be a meal, though often kids are too hungry to be able to deal well with that idea. For example, after lunch every day my kids have certain jobs to do, and once the jobs are done, they can have the otterpop or the game or whatever it is they want to be doing.

 

We do chores at breakfast, lunch, and evening. Breakfast is things like getting dressed, making beds (they're spotty with that one!), teeth, etc. Lunch is more the house chores like sweeping, taking out trash, etc.--they have different jobs for every weekday at lunchtime. Evening is a general tidy-up and jammies, and we don't read bedtime stories or watch TV until they're done.

 

I would ease into it, and be really diligent about enforcing. Like you could start with daily bedmaking for a week or so. Stand there while they do it, and don't allow fun stuff till it's done. And, control your temper. I practice ruthless cheerfulness--if you never lose your temper and sweetly, cheerfully repeat yourself ad nauseum without ever losing your cool or giving in, you will get better results over time. This is not easy for me, but I'm improving. I grit my teeth and think how aggravating I must be for them! :D

 

You might like to read the Love & logic parenting books, I really like their attitude. I use Managers of their chores for job ideas and organization, but in a very relaxed way, I could never do the actual method they advise!!

[Crissy]

Maybe a longer conversation with your husband is in order when everyone is in a good mood. Set aside a time when you can sit down together and talk about the issue. You *really* need his support and his positive example. Find a way to make him understand the message your kids are getting from his lack of help and support.

[Peela]

Training kids to do some chores is far more work than doing it yourself, for a while, sometimes quite a while. You have to be motivated...sounds like you might be :)

 

Every time you set a chore or a task, you have to follow up to make sure it is done, and give a consequence if it isnt. And you have to have saint like patience because a lot of the time, it wont be, until they realise you really, really mean it and its not worth not doing it.

 

I woudl start with one or two small things and get them established, Things like making your bed are habits. It takes a few weeks to form a habit so you have to be consistent.

 

Flylady helped me with *my* stinky attitude towards the rest of the family's lack of desire to clean. I learned to make routines for myself. I learned to keep my room as a peaceful haven (and my family still think its thenicest room in the house- I keep it clear and tidy). I learned to keep the kitchen sink area clean. Things spread out from a few basic routines I learned- and I did it for *me* rather than expecting anyone else to appreciate it.

I learned to go in and help my kids clean their rooms so they knew how to clean their rooms. It's too overwhelming for a kid to be jsut told to clean their room unless they know how to break it down into small parts.

 

A 6 year old can make their bed and pick up their toys that are on the floor anwhere in the house. They can put their dirty clothes in a basket. They can learn to put something away when they get it out, before taking out the next toy. They can put dishes away, and set the table.

 

A 10 year old can do all that, plus wash the dishes, make a salad to go with dinner, feed the animals, tidy their shelves, sweep the floor.

 

But, it is still overwhelming. Tasks need to be broken down until they are 2nd nature.

 

I tihnk keeping your own attitude light is important though. Recognise your own responsibility to train your children, and the fact that you may not have been following through. They are jsut being normal kids. Put on some fun music and put a timer on for 10 minutes and promise you will stop when the bell goes off, and clean with them. Turn it into a game.

 

And...husbands can be annoying, but you do have a right to have some spaces in the house that are clean and clear of clutter, and a husband has a right to have some spaces that are his to be cluttered if he chooses. Find a compromise, and ask for what you need.

[Rosy]

It sounds like you're asking for help from the kids, but you're not insisting on it. When they know you mean business they'll get to work.

 

I agree with the Love & Logic recommendation. They would say you go to the kid and let them know what you need done, and say "I need this done before your next meal. You can decide which one that will be," and don't remind. Then when dinner is ready, they don't get to come to the table if their work isn't done. If they miss dinner, you say "Gee, that's too bad. I hope you're able to have breakfast with us tomorrow. But that's up to you." I do that with my son and he rarely misses dinner. :)

 

I think it helps to make lists of daily and/or weekly chores, and set aside time when you & the kids work together. Try to make it fun.

 

Also (and this might not be a popular opinion), you really should be able to get most everything done without your husband's help. Your kids should be able to set and clear the table, do dishes (or at least help with them), and help with dinner. If you can get good routines established with the kids, after a while the house should stay clean without too much effort. And he might even surprise you--a lot of men are more likely to help when they're not overwhelmed by clutter--especially school stuff and kid stuff that they don't know what to do with.

 

In our house:

 

4yo picks up her toys and clothes, puts silverware away from the dishwasher, can help set table.

5yo sets and clears table, empties dishwasher, picks up her toys, school stuff and clothes.

7yo does all of the above, plus bringing baskets of laundry upstairs, putting wet clothes in the dryer and starts dryer, scrubs counters, and helping with outside projects.

8yo does all of the above, plus folding and putting away laundry, loading dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, Swiffering the floor, and making breakfast & lunch. Now, she doesn't do all of these all the time. She does do pretty much all the laundry folding though.

 

We're able to keep things clean enough that DH generally doesn't have to help unless he wants to, though I have to admit, summer has been tougher because we haven't been home as much as usual.

 

Hope you're able to see the change you're looking for soon!