MomSchool5 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 How do you punish for serious infractions? Like going around parental controls and looking at inappropriate things on the internet? His IPOD and computer privileges have been revoked for the next 2 months, but we did that last time.:001_huh: He has no friends, and doesn't go anywhere without us (He's 15) so what is the point of grounding??? Grounding from what? Banning him from family movie nights?? (No cable and don't watch tv?) Losing the privilege of working on Easy Worship/Power Point at church (which I hate to do when that is his only thing he does outside of home) Sigh.. I'm just not sure what to do. He is brilliant with a very high IQ. I mean, in 3 years he will be out on his own and do whatever he wants. He really likes computers and is good at them, but I worry.. I would love to sign him up for outside classes, but if I can't trust him then what?? Mara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Just because it didn't entirely cure the problem doesn't mean that you can't use that punishment or that you have to escalate the punishment. If he want around parental controls again, having no computer access for two months (again) seems like an okay punishment to me. But let me say that at 15, I think once the drama of the incident blows over, can you take some time to evaluate how his life is right now? It sounds very stunted. If he's not doing any sports, social activities or classes and has no friends and never goes anywhere without his parents, I might be worried. Being an introvert is fine and some kids don't really want to be "joiners" but is this the way he likes things? Would he like a part time job, a social circle? A chance to go on an outdoor adventure? Does he get physical challenges? Has he taken driver's education or done boy scouts or anything? I am not looking for things to take away, per se. I just know when my son was that way we had a hard time thinking of things to take away, because like your son, he didn't do much. As he got more active and involved with friends, had more independence, starting playing in a band etc, there was more to 'take away' but he also was just happier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I agree with Danestress. *I* wouldn't do a set amount of loss of computer time. It's not my style. I would just have it an indefinite amount of time and when I feel the situation has been handled, I'd let him be back on whether it was a week or a year. "Time served" just isn't part of our discipline toolbox generally. Past that, it does sound like he needs a life. There is probably SOMETHING he has an interest in even if he is quite introverted. A job or volunteer work sounds like a REALLY good idea. He needs to have other things in life to do other than play online (and break what few rules he has). Challenging his mind, body, spiritual growth, etc can all be VERY good for a child. Keeping them busy keeps them out of trouble. A boy feeling he's growing up with older teen/adult responsibility and opportunity makes it where he's proud of what he can do, accomplish, and be. That is a protection against things like violence, sex, porn, law-breaking, etc. I personally wouldn't use ANY of that as punishment against him either (of course, I guess it's clear we're just not punitive). I'd simply use them as ways to help him grow and to help him stay out of trouble. Idle hands? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomSchool5 Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 I am the only homeschooler in my church and we are very active and have been for 15 years. We love the pastor. He does some youth group stuff and went to a youth leadership camp a couple of weeks ago that he loved. But the youth group is really small and made up mostly of girls. There are 4 boys who are seniors who are nice guys but loud (he is quiet) and there are 4 or 5 junior high boys. All of the adults LOVE him and talk about how cool he is. He gets along well with adults, but has nothing in common with the young people. They all have cell phones, go to ps, etc. Not old enough for driver's ed ( he is actually 14) We are part of a homeschool co-op in a neighboring town, but he never bonded with anyone there. Once again, there were boys older and boys younger but none his age. Plus, most are from that town so you are talking 30 minutes away. I do plan to have him do dual credit starting next year as a 10th grader. But I have 3 other children and a disabled parent that lives here that I have to take care of as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I think sticking with the same punishment is fine. It's consistent. When my dd totally lost my trust (over another issue), we talked a. lot. about trust. The damage that losing trust can do to relationships long-term, the ways that we feel when someone lies to us, the damage we can do to ourselves and others. I tried to focus a lot on how to earn trust with others once it's lost and how we could work back to a position of independence and trust. Honestly, I think that's the lesson that has stuck with her the longest, all of the talks we had about trust. As we were talking, I invested a lot of time and energy into preserving our relationship and keeping that bond with her. For a couple reasons. First, because we are more likely to honor those with whom we've got a loving and trusting relationship. And also because I didn't want her to feel that in losing the trust she'd lost the relationship. I wanted her to know that the trust I wanted to have in her was a result of love and stewardship, not control. With your son, were I in your shoes, instead of asking, "How can I put him in outside activities if I can't trust him?" I'd re-frame the question: "How can we work together to re-establish trust so that he can go to these outside activities?" Make it a mutual goal. You get so much out of this approach....It's positive rather than punitive. (After all, he's already got the consequence.) It allows you to focus together on earning trust. And he has an opportunity for outside independence, which is really important at his age. Re-earning trust is hard work, and you will probably always have worries in the back of your head. But once re-earned, my guess is that he will treasure that trust and the accompanying independence because it's been such a challenge to get there. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoriM Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 I typically involve my teens in setting their own consequences. My goal in discipline with teens is discipleship...leading them to making better choices, respecting herself and our relationship, and counseling her with appropriate new habits to replace bad choices. Plus, I want to train them as parents of my grandchildren how to respond to the people they'll have to live with later! GRIN. Anyway, my daughters usually come up with service projects they can do to serve the family (pressure-wash the concrete, lawn work, weeding, etc.) as well as imposing restrictions on their time or privileges. We have talked about it, and decided it was a two-pronged approach that not only eliminated their sense of entitlement (selfishness is usually the reason they make a disobedient choice), but also filled their time productively and gave them a better sense of self-worth. I guess my recommendation to you would be to figure out what you can have him DO to repair the relationship he's damaged, not just take things away from him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 How do you punish for serious infractions? Like going around parental controls and looking at inappropriate things on the internet? His IPOD and computer privileges have been revoked for the next 2 months, but we did that last time.:001_huh: He has no friends, and doesn't go anywhere without us (He's 15) so what is the point of grounding??? Grounding from what? Banning him from family movie nights?? (No cable and don't watch tv?) Losing the privilege of working on Easy Worship/Power Point at church (which I hate to do when that is his only thing he does outside of home) Sigh.. I'm just not sure what to do. He is brilliant with a very high IQ. I mean, in 3 years he will be out on his own and do whatever he wants. He really likes computers and is good at them, but I worry.. I would love to sign him up for outside classes, but if I can't trust him then what?? Mara As far as the internet stuff, this won't be popular here, but I'll say it anyway. I'd cut off the internet. (No TV here and only cell phones for dh and me.) That's what we did when we discovered one of our ds's had been looking at garbage on the net. No way was I going to become his 'intenet police' and hover over him while he was using the net. So we just unhooked the whole thing and when we have to use the internet we go to the library to use it. We've been doing this for years now and it's worked well for us. It has the side benefit of keeping most of us from wasting gobs of time surfing the net, too. Guess it depends on your family situation - and your library system. We have a pretty good library. The internet is just so very, very tempting to a boy that age. For us, it just wasn't worth it. HTH, Kathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.