What are your favorite ways to deal with squabbling siblings?

[laurad1125]

Right now I'm about to pull my hair out. Younger wants everything older has when he has it. He also wants to be with older constantly. Older doesn't even want younger to breathe, much less move or talk when they are in the same room. For today, I've grounded them from each other. They aren't allowed to be in the same room. But that's not a very workable go-forward plan. So, tell me, what has worked at your house?

[Mandy in TN]

Duct Tape

[laurad1125]

Duct Tape

 

:lol:

 

Do I tape them to each other or tape them to the walls in separate rooms?

[Mandy in TN]

Ceiling

[Mandy in TN]

Seriously, my two big boys are two and a half years apart. When they were very little my oldest was like a super hero- my second son thought his older brother could do no wrong. Then, they went through an adjustment (read lots of bickering) when 2nd ds realized that the oldest wasn't a super hero, but the oldest didn't want to let go of his super hero status. Then after a while they settled into a relationship where 1st ds was not all that but was certainly still elevated to above human. Often when my boys were driving me crazy with the bickering it was because they were going through a period when they were adjusting their relationship with one another.

 

Although the two boys are now approaching adulthood, currently 1st ds still has older brother status- not above human but still very much the "big" brother. 1st ds is looking manly these days and 2nd ds still looks young. 2nd ds has more than caught up to his brother is height, but 1st ds has nearly 50lbs on him. The difference in muscle mass through the chest and shoulders makes 1st ds look dramatically older than 2nd ds who is a string bean.

 

I suspect the final relationship adjustment will not be a bickering one. Some day in a couple of years 1st ds will come home from college for Thanksgiving and see his "little" brother as an individual with whom he has a very special relationship. OTOH- I don’t know exactly when or if the big brother/ little brother relationship ever fully disappears.

 

Oh, and I do think that this dynamic may be more apparent in siblings of the same gender- especially boys.

HTH-

Mandy

[CookieMonster]

Do I tape them to each other or tape them to the walls in separate rooms?

 

Yes.

[eternalknot]

My kids are five years apart in age, so we sometimes get that hero-worship thing also. We do pretty much the opposite of the OP though -

 

In the military they occasionally made us attend "mandatory fun" events; things we had no desire to go to or to do, but had no choice in opting out of either. Some times we even ended up having enjoyed ourselves despite our initial disinterest. I'm lucky that my kids don't squabble much, but when they do I institute Mandatory Fun/Together Time. They don't have to enjoy each other's company or quirks, but they have to learn to live with and function around them - and those of other people as they mature and become active members of society.

 

I give them a few minutes (by timer) to come up with something they want to do together ... if they can't or won't agree, I select an activity for them. Mine usually involve chores I'd rather delegate than do myself ::grin:: and they've come to anticipate that by self-selecting a joint activity. The art of compromising has been an indirect benefit from this exercise.

 

For 30 or so minutes, they know that this is their Mandatory Fun & Together Time. More times than not they'll begin to enjoy their activity together and stop naturally after my preselected time period. Some times they count down the seconds until the torture is over. Either way, they know that if they can't themselves moderate how they handle their squabbles and different needs then I will step in to help them learn this very important life skill.

 

It's all very non-chalant and matter of fact; it's not an overt punishment, the mandatory spending of time together. I think this is key in making it work and realize our ultimate goal of cherishing the sibling relationship. I liken it to the sometimes forced, planned "date nights" that people are always telling married couples to take, in an effort to rekindle what's already there but hiding under daily stresses :)

[abbeyej]

One of the most effective I've used is to have the kids write a "love letter" to each other. Basically, it's a list (I give a set number -- maybe 3-5 things) of "reasons why I like you and am glad you're my brother/sister". It has been even more effective when I've had them follow up with a list of "three ways I can serve / be kind to my brother/sister". For a child who is not yet capable of *writing* all that, I'll sit with them and write what they tell me.

 

Obviously it's not something you can use for every single nitpicky thing they say or do to each other. But as an occasional exercise, it really has helped with sibling relations.

 

Another useful thing can be giving them a task that requires teamwork in order to complete. A chore around the house, maybe? Sometimes even a chore that's not given as *teamwork* so much as "side by side" work. Maybe even tell them, "you may not speak to each other during this time". So if you give 'em each a sponge and a bucket and this side (or that) of the room to scrub down, they'll start out glaring at each other and hating Mom's guts. ;) But eventually they're united in their hatred of Mom's guts, and at some point they giggle and make faces at each other, and maybe race to finish, and eventually somebody's going to ask for permission to chat with the other while they finish. (And by the time they're done, they continue to be united, but have likely forgotten why they hated Mom's guts till the next time...)

 

And, of course, giving them plenty of opportunities to do things together and work together when they *aren't* bickering.

 

I guess my main purpose is to build their relationship, not merely quash the squabbling. Day to day, sometimes the only important thing is to quash the squabbling. ;) I say, "Do not antagonize your sister/brother!" a lot! ;) But *overall* my goal is for them to become closer, not merely tolerate each other till they escape my home.

[Mommyof4ks]

My kids are five years apart in age, so we sometimes get that hero-worship thing also. We do pretty much the opposite of the OP though -

 

In the military they occasionally made us attend "mandatory fun" events; things we had no desire to go to or to do, but had no choice in opting out of either. Some times we even ended up having enjoyed ourselves despite our initial disinterest. I'm lucky that my kids don't squabble much, but when they do I institute Mandatory Fun/Together Time. They don't have to enjoy each other's company or quirks, but they have to learn to live with and function around them - and those of other people as they mature and become active members of society.

 

I give them a few minutes (by timer) to come up with something they want to do together ... if they can't or won't agree, I select an activity for them. Mine usually involve chores I'd rather delegate than do myself ::grin:: and they've come to anticipate that by self-selecting a joint activity. The art of compromising has been an indirect benefit from this exercise.

 

For 30 or so minutes, they know that this is their Mandatory Fun & Together Time. More times than not they'll begin to enjoy their activity together and stop naturally after my preselected time period. Some times they count down the seconds until the torture is over. Either way, they know that if they can't themselves moderate how they handle their squabbles and different needs then I will step in to help them learn this very important life skill.

 

It's all very non-chalant and matter of fact; it's not an overt punishment, the mandatory spending of time together. I think this is key in making it work and realize our ultimate goal of cherishing the sibling relationship. I liken it to the sometimes forced, planned "date nights" that people are always telling married couples to take, in an effort to rekindle what's already there but hiding under daily stresses :)

 

We do basically this same thing. The kids have learned to get along to avoid being stuck doing things things they don't want to do together :). If they don't want to get along at the moment they will find separate activities to do. Even my 4 year old caught on to this early.

[Sasharowan]

If I can catch them still at the bickering stage, but before the "Mooooom, He said...." then I'll put on loud music and the next thing I know they're all in here dancing and happy. If it gets to the mom's annoyed stage, then they get "grounded" from each other and sent to separate rooms with orders not to talk to each other. This usually leads to sending notes through the 3yo. and eventually agreement that mom is mean.

[nova mama]

When I hear things escalating in another room, I'll usually call one or more of the children and ask questions like "are you being kind?" (if no, go back and make it right) and "what are you doing to make peace?" (if nothing, I'll make some suggestions or ask child to think of some). I think that's the right thing to do and I'm going to keep doing it until they learn (I hope) to ask these questions themselves. But when I'm too tired or I've had enough, I separate them or take away whatever they're fighting over.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

Plus, I will often make them try out more appropriate behavior by explaining why something different would work better than what they are doing, and having them practice it on each other, sometimes even repeating it word for word after me. It helps build those connections in their brains to practice it- kind of a fake it til you make it deal.

[laurad1125]

I stumbled on a different approach that is working very well in my house. I'm just letting them handle it. If they annoy me with their squabbling, I separate them. If one starts to really injure the other, I'll stop that but I don't really anticipate that. I don't try to figure out who wronged whom. I've said a lot of "If you two can't get along, you'll have to stop (insert current fun activity here)." Magically, it seems, they figure it out. When one comes to me to complain about the other, I am sympathetic but refuse to take sides. Now that they can't get me on their sides, they seem a whole lot less interested in arguing. I came up with the idea out of frustration - I didn't know what else to do. The book Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! helped me firm up the details. Peace has reigned in this house.:eek: