Quick WWYD? (child with some nervous problems)

[SnowWhite]

My ds is away at Cub Scout day camp for the first time. It's his first time away from home for a long period at all. He comes home every evening, but he complained last night that he didn't want to go today. Come to think of it, he did the same thing Tuesday night too. He has been complaining of his stomach aching. Last night he got himself all worked up over the gold coins they were finding and using to buy little prizes and vomited. (he wanted 11 coins so he could keep one as a souvenir, he has only 10). The past two mornings he has gotten up and lay around, ready to go but not eating. He said he felt better as soon as he got in the car yesterday though. He does have bad allergies and I have found out he's not drinking water at all during the day (sent a water bottle and hope that will remedy that).

 

He comes home with lots of happy stories... passed the highest swimming test, did a snorkel exercise, caught his first fish, learned how to play volleyball properly, hit the target 3 times in bb gun shooting, hit the target with archery, thinks archery is "really cool", says they are "going to have a fishing contest", bragged about getting to be buddies with two other expert swimmers and they "got to swim for two hours and go in the deep end".

 

Now today after he left dh talked to the scout leader and he said Joshua has been sitting down and crying during the day. Joshua tells him he doesn't know why. Should I go over there and get him or check on him? Tomorrow we are going to leave together and come home together (Camp Family Day).

 

Of course we also have a new baby at home so there are big changes happening, and this ds does not deal well with change. When his middle brother was born, we moved to a new house and his grandparents had to move out of state he had some very nervous problems (at age 4) which caused us to worry he might be OCD. His severe symptoms quickly went away at that time (I changed a babysitting schedule so that I could spent more time with him, plus the prayers of many friends and family were felt!)

 

So WWYD?

[Blueridge]

:grouphug: Is it possible one or more of the other boys are bullying him? You never know. Perhaps he is seeing or hearing things around him that are upsetting him to the point of tears. I just have girls so I can't know the proper response to take with boys, but I would surely talk to my dh about just pulling him out of the camp. Will your ds talk to you about any of this? That would be helpful if he could verbalize his concerns. I'm sorry he is having such a difficult time.

[JudoMom]

I would not go get him. Since he has been coming home with happy stories at night, I would let him get through the day. I would talk with him tonight and try to figure out what was going on and why he was getting upset. It could be that being out of routine is upsetting to him, or he could be hot or hungry, he could be overtired, he could be missing you and his siblings. My boys tend to cry more when they are about to grow or when their brains are about to make another leap. But since he's full of adventure stories when he comes home, I would let him stay the day and enjoy Camp Family Day with him tomorrow. :grouphug: (And congrats on the baby! He's gorgeous!)

 

ETA: What does your dh say? I'd definitely follow his lead on this one.

Edited June 18, 2009 by JudoMom

[MamaT]

Your son sounds so much like my oldest ds at that age. One day he was just "different." He just stopped being nervous and worried about things. He was about 10. Finally he told me he just "decided" that he was tired of living like that - I think he got really, really angry with himself - and told himself that he would not live that way. He has been a very confident person ever since. It was an interesting thing to watch.

 

He is still a very senstitive person and he can still be OCD about some things, but realizes it and catches himself (or listens to dh and I when we out him about it).

 

I would not make him go back to the camp. It sounds like he is very unhappy. I remember feeling that way about places my parents would make me go when I was a kid. I hated it.

 

It is painful as a mama to watch your kid worry and fret to that degree. I hope your son outgrows his nervousness. I think that's probably what really happened with my ds. :001_smile:

[SnowWhite]

I would surely talk to my dh about just pulling him out of the camp. Will your ds talk to you about any of this? That would be helpful if he could verbalize his concerns.

 

I had no idea he was crying at all (except for the gold coin incident) until AFTER he left this morning. No, he doesn't give any reason for not wanting to go. I asked if anyone was mean to him and he said no. I asked if he was homesick and he said no. The scout leader said he couldn't tell him why he was crying.

 

 

ETA: What does your dh say? I'd definitely follow his lead on this one.

Dh called to see what *I* thought. He gave the scout master his cell number. So hopefully they will call if it happens today. I talked to ds Tuesday during the day because they called to get special permission for the snorkel exercise. He seemed fine at the time.

 

I would not make him go back to the camp. It sounds like he is very unhappy. I remember feeling that way about places my parents would make me go when I was a kid. I hated it.

 

It is painful as a mama to watch your kid worry and fret to that degree. I hope your son outgrows his nervousness. I think that's probably what really happened with my ds. :001_smile:

 

Thanks for your story, that gives me hope! I worry dh will blame hs for ds's nervousness (although his first episodes were at age 4!). It's too late not to make him go today... he's already there. I could go get him, but I haven't decided to do that, yet. I'll go for sure if dh gets a call from the scout master. Tomorrow we are all going together (ds, younger brother, baby brother, and me) so I am certain ds will be fine then and probably in rare form showing us everything.

 

I am feeling that this *could* be a really positive thing if ds can get past the homesickness or whatever is causing him to cry. The stories he tells are so positive that I have no qualms whatever that he really is enjoying the majority of his time there. It's not like I have even had to ask questions. His mouth goes a mile a minute once he gets on the topic, telling me all about this or that (and he's usually not very forthcoming, for example I have no clue what goes on in Sunday School). Maybe he won't cry at all today... I can hope!

 

Thanks so much everyone for responding, it has helped me think more clearly. (postpartum brain isn't very efficient!)

[jplain]

Sounds like this experience is a little too intense for him right now. In a year or two it might be a much more positive experience, but right now I'm guessing he's not quite ready.

 

I'm not a fan of letting kids get through it just because they come home with positive stories. Those positive stories don't cancel out the awful feelings that accompanied vomiting and crying. :sad:

 

I'd rather give a child the option to bow out and do something else during that time. And if nerves to the point of vomiting and crying were involved, I might make an executive decision: let's try again next year, no reason to feel bad about it, and now let's find something else to do!

 

Edited to add: I'm not opposed to nudging a child past his/her comfort level. But when the resistance goes beyond mild/moderate verbal complaint into physiological distress, I have to draw the line.

Edited June 18, 2009 by jplain

[Angel]

Your ds's reactions sound exactly like my dd's reactions, at that age and even now. She has Asperger's with mild anxiety and sensory issues. The anxiety is VERY real to children. For my dd, it is the unknown that usually has her anxious, like what is the schedule for today, what are we going to do, how will I know what to do, what happens if ... (fill in the blank). The unknown causes so much stress. Dd has been known to get sick or fill sick. She frequently (even today) cannot eat before doing something new. She is able to verbalize it better now that she's older and she does deal with it better because she is aware, but it still doesn't make it any less real.

 

Here is what we did to make her more comfortable. Maybe a little late for you since tomorrow is the last day, but the info is there if it happens again. First I try and find out as much as possible about what is going to happen, how and when and let her know. Even down to the tiniest thing like what might be for lunch (she worries over not liking certain foods and feeling bad that she doesn't like certain foods). If she is still feeling anxious, we talk about the fun she's will have and how we will give it a try. Unless she was VERY bad, I always tried to have her go. Second, I let her know that she can come home ANYTIME she wants. I let her know this and then I let the person in charge of the activity know this and leave my number. This allows dd to have an "out" and it makes her more comfortable knowing that if it gets rough, she can call and come home. If she comes home then we talk about how she felt (she wasn't good at this when she was younger) and then talk about if it's worth it to try again.

 

I was doing this with dd before I know that she had AS. I thought she was my quirky, over sensitive child, and (at the beginning) with a new baby in the house. By helping her like this, she was able to gradually go back to places and friend's houses that she liked and eventually those places became enough of a comfort zone that she could go with only mild anxiousness or none at all. There were some things that she was never comfortable with, even after trying and we didn't push her to continue. She became more comfortable with trying new things because she knew we would keep our promise and come get her. Only once did I tell her I wouldn't come, and that was last year when we paid $550 for horse camp:D She was sticking that one out 'cause we didn't get a refund.;)

 

I hope this helps some. I know what it's like wondering what is the right thing to do.:grouphug:

[lgm]

I would let him go b/c it sounds that hydration is the main issue and he's past humpday. I would call the leader and ask that s/he check on hydration frequently...at our camp it's part of the leader's job to make sure the boys drink, simply b/c it's usually hot enough that we'd have heat stroke/heat exhaustion if they didn't. There is water at every station and the counselor reminds the boys to drink. I think your son will have a totally different day if he's hydrated, had a good breakfast and has sufficient snacks. I found that out the hard way myself when I went to resident camp.

 

Sometimes though, they are sad because they don't have a buddy and they feel alone in a crowd. (indication of needing make a friend skills) Other times, they are overwhelmed sensory-wise and really need some down time. Sometimes they just realize they can't be an instant expert at a new situation and need to cry to cope. A calm observant adult is really really helpful. The old timer at BBs for us acknowledged my son's tears (ds figured he couldn't follow the directions and hit the target after watching two groups in front so he froze with tears in the eyes) and talked ds into giving a try. His words on 'do your best' were helpful to...sometimes boys think 'do your best' means be perfect.

 

A suggestion for the leader is to ask "What can I do to help?", rather than "What's wrong?". Sometimes sitting out one of the activity rotations and having the chance to relax is helpful for those that are on sensory overload. He shouldn't sit to the side by himself though..near a calm adult who is modeling chilling is good. Once they start commenting on the clouds, the insects walking by or whatever they'll want to join in & may need adult help to get back in the game.

 

With the gold coins..this is a tough thing for this age group. If he talks to the leader of that activity, he'll probably find that he can have one as a souvenir the last day.

 

When you go tomorrow, make sure you hydrate yourself and eat a good breakfast.

Edited June 18, 2009 by lgm

[9GreatKids]

Coming at this from a different prospective. As the Mom of three college age students who have/are spending their summers as camp counselors. This summer, at SPACE CAMP and as a camp manager for a Russian Immersion Language Camp. My recommendation would be to have him stick it out.

I am a big believer in the fact that camps can add a great deal to the richness of a child's life, if chosen well...and if they stick with it.

The one thing I know from speaking with my children about camp is that camp counselors see and deal with a LOT of homesick kids. The children are in a new environment, doing new things, and almost everything is not predictable. I know that the counselors tend to be very sympathetic, most of them having experienced homesickness themselves at sometime in their own camp experience. They talk to the children, allow them to phone home, give them the extra attention they need to move past the moment. It is a compassionate forum.

Of the seven of our children old enough to attend camp…seven have had an episode of homesickness…and all seven had to stick it out. It was rough on both child and parents. Once worked through, they became ardent camp and travel fans.

As the Mom of a college student who as a child could go from start to puke in five second flat.... I can tell you there is a lot to be gained by the child by working through the moment.

[camibami]

Your ds's reactions sound exactly like my dd's reactions, at that age and even now. She has Asperger's with mild anxiety and sensory issues. The anxiety is VERY real to children. For my dd, it is the unknown that usually has her anxious, like what is the schedule for today, what are we going to do, how will I know what to do, what happens if ... (fill in the blank). The unknown causes so much stress. Dd has been known to get sick or fill sick. She frequently (even today) cannot eat before doing something new. She is able to verbalize it better now that she's older and she does deal with it better because she is aware, but it still doesn't make it any less real.

 

 

OMGosh, how did you get my daughter in your house??? Seriously, she asks me what's for dinner every morning, first thing. And woe to the person who orders impromptu pizza!!

 

To the OP, my youngest has a tough time articulating WHY she feels a certain way. Why, I don't know. She just does. She has also hidden what I feel to be serious abuse and bullying by adults/kids in group settings. So now, I take her reactions to things VERY seriously, even if she can't tell me why, exactly. Only you know what his threshold is for this stuff, what the crying signifies, etc. I just know that if it were my (admittedly odd) kids, I would not take them back or I would stay and check on them.

[SnowWhite]

I figured it out! Talking to ds he revealed that the crying happened when "he didn't know what he was supposed to do". For example there was a relay or some sort of race and without being sure of the instructions (brings out competition issues and performance anxiety) he was just supposed to DO it. This kind of thing drives him crazy and he's not very good at asking for help (thinks he should do everything perfectly without asking any questions).

 

I should clarify that vomiting happens really often with this ds, and it's mostly physical and not psychological in cause. He has been skimping on his allergy meds so that contributes, as does the lack of fluids all day.

 

He had a GREAT day today. So I am glad he went. In a way, I suppose the reason for his crying is hs related, because he has always had his own personal instructor for everything. It is a far cry from having to pay close attention in a group to a (perhaps unskilled) instructor. The competition issue... well, that is not going to go away soon. This ds just does not like to compete, period.

 

Thanks everyone for your input.