Adult sibling boundaries & money

[Carrie12345]

I have been struggling with this situation for over a week, and I'm no closer to sorting things out. Maybe the hive can help.

 

FTR, we are not a religious family. Just to point out that "pray on it" isn't very applicable.

 

About a week ago, I was on the phone with my 25yo sister. I was rambling on about the decision dh and I made to do the Total Money Makeover, mostly talking about the yard sale I'm setting up to light the flame, and the things I'm shocking myself by selling (my Cricut, my treadmill, a camera lens... ouch!)

I tell my sister she should get a copy of the book. She works for the state and her fiance works for a car company, so I figure they could really benefit from a solid financial plan. Out of the blue, she says "Yeah, well, S (her fiance) is filing for bankruptcy, so it doesn't matter."

 

A little background: S has been on his own since he was a teenager. His mother has always been extremely neglectful. Yet the kid opened his heart and his wallet (er, credit) to take out a mortgage on a house for his mother (in addition to his own house). His mother never EVER paid the rent in the year+ that she was living there.

 

My sister tells me the house has been foreclosed on. She says S's lawyer says he has to file for bankruptcy. This is all after she tells me she just came home from a nice dinner, which they drove to in her Lexus. They have his and her cameras in the mail. She just spent a fortune on a decorative hair comb for their wedding day. They have tickets for a concert next weekend.

 

Add to that the things I already know: She gets her nails done weekly. She vacationed in France last spring. They're having a country club wedding in August. They vacationed in Miami earlier this year. That type of thing. They've continued to spend (charge?) on expensive fluff, rather than cover the mortgage they don't seem to understand was ultimately his responsibility.

 

Now, she tells me all of this, but COMPLETELY resists even my suggestion to look at the FREE Dave Ramsey website to get some inspiration. She just "doesn't have time to look into it, let alone read a book", yet she has plenty of time to play on Facebook and go out with friends.

 

She's also lacking the financial details. Despite the fact that she's marrying this guy in August, has been living with him for nearly 3 years, and has been dating him for almost EIGHT years, she claims that the house situation is between S and his mother. His money is his money (which pays for most of her lifestyle) and her money is her money (which pays for graduate school and a few odds and ends).

 

I've always wondered how they were able to afford their lifestyle, but I've never said a word about it. Suddenly she drops all of this on me, but doesn't want me to comment.

This has not prevented her from commenting on my financial situation, fyi.

 

I'm terrified for my sister. Dh and I made many financial mistakes when we were first married, and we're still paying for them. But they were NOTHING like hers! I can't imagine where she's going to be in a few years.

 

Just last night, I read DR's advice on talking to others about his program. My interpretation is that, once the door is opened by the other person, walk in. I feel like she's opened the door, but left an invisible forcefield in the doorway!

 

So, wwyd?

My mother refuses to talk to her. She says it's my sister's life and none of our business. I'm wondering how she'll feel when they both show up on her doorstep with duffle bags.

[snickelfritz]

Now, she tells me all of this, but COMPLETELY resists even my suggestion to look at the FREE Dave Ramsey website to get some inspiration

.

 

I would drop it and just listen and nod appropriately when she wants to vent. If she ASKS you for advice....THEN you can start giving advice.

[Danestress]

None of your business. And you (and she) have no obligation to take anyone in who shows up on the door. That fact that you love her and probably WOULD take her in, though, doesn't give you any special rights of interference now. I know that's hard. Loving people is hard, especially when they are making bad decisions that you feel those decisions could have an affect on you.

 

However, if she keeps bringing it up, I would seize the opportunity to say, "You know, I'm so worried about you. I'm just sick worrying about your financial future. Can I recommend some good things to read?"

[Carrie12345]

None of your business. And you (and she) have no obligation to take anyone in who shows up on the door. That fact that you love her and probably WOULD take her in, though, doesn't give you any special rights of interference now. I know that's hard. Loving people is hard, especially when they are making bad decisions that you feel those decisions could have an affect on you.

 

However, if she keeps bringing it up, I would seize the opportunity to say, "You know, I'm so worried about you. I'm just sick worrying about your financial future. Can I recommend some good things to read?"

 

You're right, it's very hard. It'd be so much easier if I could tell myself I'm just a nosey/gossipy neighbor or something. KWIM? Instead, I'm hurting for her.

 

:::sigh::: I need to pamper my first born more. Birth order stinks! :tongue_smilie:

[LaxMom]

Ooh, that's a tough situation. If I were you, I would let it go. Really. Just continue to share your progress - not in a crazy zealot way, but in the "Yay! We just paid off X debt! It feels great! Next up is..." general conversation way when it comes up naturally, like talking about your yard sale.

 

(As an aside, you're not really going to sell a Cricut and camera lens at a yard sale, right? You're going to put them on Ebay or something?)

 

It sounds to me as if you opened the door and she shared the information about bankruptcy as a way to shut down discussion on that path.

 

Until people come to that place themselves, it has been my experience that they resent people suggesting they give up their spendy lifestyles. There's something there that suggests that the speaker is really saying they're a bad person for getting nails done, going out to dinner, etc.

 

Really, the bottom line is that she is not interested in looking at her financial situation - she's got wedding spending to do, after all - and you continuing to pursue it directly is only going to make her less likely to come to you for the name of that book when she finds they're in some deep hot water in a couple years.

 

Sorry, I can imagine how tough it is to sit by and watch.

[lynn]

I agree with your mother. Your sister likes her lifestyle and will learn from her mistakes and it will be painful for you to watch. All you can do is listen and if she asks about DR you'll have the info for her when she's ready.