Should I forgive and forget?

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

Hi everyone,

 

I don't post often around here, although I do check this forum several times a day. Others have said you all are like a bunch of great, supportive friends...and I couldn't agree more. We're military and I haven't lived in this town too long. I've learned so much from you all and it has helped me tremendously in this first year of hsing.

 

So, I hope you don't mind if I pick your brains a bit on a non-hsing related issue. Several years ago, at a different duty station, I had a falling out with someone I thought was a very good friend. Well...that's not even all the way right. We were good friends for a while, but then (closer to the falling out) I started to feel like all the time we spent together, we spent gossiping about the neighbors, neighbor's kids, husbands, etc... So much so, that I often felt "dirty" after one of our get togethers. Plus, I knew that if she was so willing to share other peoples' secrets with me, then who knows what secrets of mine she was spreading around. I guess I started to become less forthcoming with any personal information. Maybe she picked up on this vibe, because not long after this we had a big blow up about something that (I thought) didn't make a lot of sense. Pretty much ended the friendship, and we never really spoke again. We moved away, and that was the end of that. (I thought.)

 

Fast forward 2 1/2 years. Dh is looking on a roster of incoming personell, and guess who's name is on there. This is a small base, so there's a very good chance I would run into her. I did not want that kind of confrontation in the middle of the commissary. (maybe not a confrontation, but it would certainly be awkward....and I'm the queen of avoiding awkward situations.) So I sent her an email asking if we could call a truce. I told her that I'd learned she was coming out here through dh and moving is hard enough as it is, so it might be nice to see a familiar face. I also gave her my number and asked her to call me if she needed anything.

 

A week passes. Then I get an email from her this morning. It's friendly enough. Nothing like, "I can't wait to be best friends again!" but more like, "Thanks for the info, and I'll probably see you when we get there."

 

Again, I don't like confrontations or awkwardness. My intention was just to have a civil relationship with her in case we found eachother at the same functions.

 

Another factor is that before we were across-the-street neighbors...and the neighborhood was pretty much the center of social life. She told me she has found a house in a different neighborhood, about 15 minutes away, so we probably wouldn't even know the same people. And our husbands will be working in different units (unlike before.) Gossip loses it's luster if you don't know who they're talking about.

 

For you (lucky!) civilians, old friends are a rare luxury in military life. It's unheard of to have local friends who have known you longer than three years, so if we patched things up it would be a real treat. From her response, it doesn't sound like she wants this. But if she does, I'm not quite sure I could fully trust her even though it would be wonderful to have an "old" friend.

 

I realize this totally sounds like something out of junior high. (I can't believe I even said "totally!") Sometimes military life can be like that. I guess I thought as adults we wouldn't have these wierd friend issues. Are there any words of wisdom out there on how I should handle this, or if I should do anything at all at this point?

 

-Mrs. F

[eight_gregorys]

Mrs. F,

 

I've been there. My husband and I both are prior service and sadly I know exactly what you are talking about. Honestly there are more wives with the gossiping, bring everyone around you down mentality, than not. I think that is how some deal with the all the things that come with being a military wife. I always told my husband it was harder being married to the army than it was being in the army in the first place. Even after my tour in Iraq, I still stick by that.

 

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom. I just wanted to give hugs. :grouphug:

 

Have a blessed day,

[FriedClams]

I am a military wife and former military member - and I vote for just letting it go. Be kind. Be friendly. Drop by with some cookies when you are on your way somewhere else and can't stay for more than 5 minutes when they arrive. You're there first and you already have a network set up. Smile a lot - say nice things about her and to her and never let anyone else know about the history. It's too easy to poison the well and accidentally start something you'll regret later - and it's a small base and you will spend time together. I wouldn't let her into the inner circle of your life again (she's proven herself not up to that) but I wouldn't sweat over it an I wouldn't be against building a friendly relationship. People change and grow up - you never know how a couple years have affected her.

[Mari]

Hi. Military wife here. The neat thing about PCSing is that you get a chance to start over again with each move. Your past with your friend will make a "do over" seem awkward but if I'm understanding you correctly, you don't really want to have her as close a friend as before anyway. You've already sent out a peace offering and contact info should she need anything. The ball is now in her court to contact you if she wants.

 

It sounds like you have enough distance between you during this assignment so it will probably work out fine. I agree with everything SWM wrote except if you don't want her in your inner circle, don't go out of your way to make her feel otherwise.

[Paintedlady]

My dh & I are both former military (Army) and we lived on the tiniest base in CA, so I know what you're going through. That said, I agree wholeheartedly with the previous post. Be friendly, be cordial, be quiet about her to anyone else, but don't become "best friends" with her again. You can certainly forgive without opening yourself up to that kind of trouble again. And I assure you, someone who spends her time behaving that way is sure to get found out and stir up lots of trouble at some point.

Edited May 12, 2009 by Paintedlady

[i.love.lucy]

Maybe I'll be the one dissenter who says, go ahead and try. Like you said, it's lonely to have no friends where you are. She could use one, and so can you. I bet the blow up was something you both can let go as the past. Certainly you can stop by at some point, bring some cookies like someone suggested, and just see how it goes. I just think we can all use some loving kindness, some forgiveness, in this world.

 

As for the gossiping, I find that it's only a problem when I participate. IOW, if I change the subject or don't agree with what's being said, the gossiper has not found an agreeable audience and it dies down. Trust me, that is so hard to do! It's like complaining. If no one agrees with you or chimes in, it's not finding a receptive audience and loses it's charm. Like ignoring your kids whining. I think women are gossips mostly when they are insecure about themselves and need to tear down (or focus on) something else. If you keep the conversation to kids, parenting, gardening, decorating, cooking, the million other things women have in common, I bet you can rebuild that friendship - if it's worth it to you.

[ConnieB]

I currently have friends that I know not to reveal too much private information or it will be spread. But, I know this of these people and can still be friends with them, just not confidants.

 

I would imagine that she is feeling betrayed by you just as you are of her.....there is always two sides, after all. Because the military community IS so close knit, you really should make an effort to patch up any past problems (otherwise you both may become gossip fodder). I wouldn't however expect this to be a "long-last best friends find each other again reunion". I'd aim for friendly, but distant so that you aren't hurt again. If over time that friendship warms up, then wonderful, but watch yourself until you can be sure you trust her with your personal information. In other words, don't close the door, but be careful how wide you open it until you assess the dangers.

[swellmomma]

Almost 5 years ago I had a huge falling out with the person who had been my best friend since we were 10 years old. It was huge! Her mom was my kids daycare teacher for a while when I went bcak to college so I got little updates on how she was doing through her. Anyway, a couple years ago I got ahold of her on facebook. I apologized for my role in how the friendship ended, and she did the same. We will never be close like we were, too much water under the bridge for that, but we have forgiven each other and are civil to each other, send birthday greetings and updates on facebook.

 

I think that the relationship you have with this women will never be the same, you may forgive each other but I don't think things are ever actually forgotten. You have offered an olive branch to her, and now it is simply a matter of remaining civil and kind, but more in an acquaintence way, I doubt you and she will ever be actual friends again but only time can tell.

[Danestress]

You made a cordial overture, she responded cordially. It doesn't sound like she wants to be buddy buddy again, but it does sound like if you run into each other, it will be okay because you already said, "Hey" and she said, "Hey" back. I don't get the feeling she wants to be friends again. Do you?

 

I think you do need to forgive and forget, but that doesn't mean you spend a lot of time together.

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

Thanks ladies,

 

You all gave wonderful advice. Again, I'm so grateful for this forum because I don't have many "real life" friends here in town that I wanted to share this story of my past with. And many of you made a very good point that I shouldn't share this with anyone around there in the first place. Knowing her past, I can't guarantee that she'll reciprocate, but I can't control what she does. The people here have known me first, so hopefully that counts for something!

 

I think it makes very good sense to keep this person out of my "inner circle." I think deep down I already knew that, but it's nice to hear other people say it too. I just hope she doesn't try to get in, if that makes sense. She's kind of like one of those popular kids in high school. (and I was definitely not the popular kid in high school.) When you're around her she makes you feel like you're one of the "cool kids." I'm just going to have to tell myself that I'm not in high school anymore and being cool isn't that important anyway.

 

So, I think I will be friendly....but not too friendly. We shouldn't be seeing eachother everyday (like when we were neighbors) so I won't have to go out of my way to avoid her. Thanks for the vote of confidence that I've done the right thing by holding out an olive branch to her. I'll let you know how it all turns out!

[tex-mex]

I am a military wife and former military member - and I vote for just letting it go. Be kind. Be friendly. Drop by with some cookies when you are on your way somewhere else and can't stay for more than 5 minutes when they arrive. You're there first and you already have a network set up. Smile a lot - say nice things about her and to her and never let anyone else know about the history. It's too easy to poison the well and accidentally start something you'll regret later - and it's a small base and you will spend time together. I wouldn't let her into the inner circle of your life again (she's proven herself not up to that) but I wouldn't sweat over it an I wouldn't be against building a friendly relationship. People change and grow up - you never know how a couple years have affected her.

 

 

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