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NorthwestMom

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Posts posted by NorthwestMom

    Sigh. ... am I not normal?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    7 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

    Well, we're right there with you. I don't do heat, humidity or crowds. All three at the same time get a definite, hard "no" from me.

    We're planning on our usual--a quiet weekend at home. 

    Introverts unite!

    I am with you, Pawz4me - but in separate, quiet locations! 😂

    • Like 1
    • Haha 11

    Education Therapist degree

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I am not sure this would change the job market for you. I have not heard of this job title before - have you looked for job listings in your area? I have a BS in Special Education for people with Moderate-Severe disabilities and a Masters in Special Education in Applied Behavior Analysis. I currently work as a BCBA. With your previous degrees you already have the credentials to teach the skills described in your linked article. You probably don't need to pay more money for a third degree to qualify for this job.  There is a HUGE market for 1:1 coaching for the skill deficits described and you could get clients quickly. Good luck!

    • Like 5
    • Thanks 1

    Those of you who have been through divorce….

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    13 hours ago, I talk to the trees said:

    Thankfully, dd is in college and if all goes well, and the Covid cases don’t surge again, she should have a sort of normal senior year on campus. Everyone is saying to get a lawyer, but what if that backfires and he really is serious about just waiting until dd has graduated? I don’t want to be the aggressive b1tch who ruins the only normal college year dd will have. 

    Get a lawyer and have a consultation at the very least. His timeline works for HIM, not you and not DD. You don't have to act on anything but make sure someone who is ONLY CONSIDERING YOUR NEEDS gives you advice. 

    • Like 9

    estranged adult children and weddings

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    10 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

    I have quite a few situations like that in my family.  My step-brothers who cut off all contact with their abusive bio mom. My dad who cut off all contact with his abusive father. My maternal grandfather whose father was cut off from all of the kids because he was abusive. When they cut contact, they cut contact all the way. No invitations to weddings, holidays, graduations, baby showers, funerals, etc.  No updates sent to them about life events of their adult children.  Nothing.  We're talking abusive parents, not difficult parents. 

     One of them was my former sister-in-law was emotionally and spiritually abusive to her daughters that have ongoing PTSD issues from it. (She had another child by a previous marriage who cut off all contact with her when he became an adult 15sih years before my nieces did.) No, former sister-in-law was not invited to either of their weddings, baby showers, holidays celebrations, etc.  There is no managing that dynamic in a wedding setting without it sucking the life and joy out of the adult child. When nieces cut off contact, they cut off all contact.  Anyone who has earned cut off contact from an adult child is not entitled to invitations for celebratory life events or holidays because they have spent years demonstrating they are unwilling or unable to uphold standards of the most basic decent behavior in interacting with family members they claim to love- behavior that normal people wouldn't do to their enemies. 

    Invitations for celebratory life events and holidays should only come after an abusive parent has demonstrated repentance with:

    1. confession that they were abusive
    2. articulating some understanding of how and why it was so damaging, a willingness to change and be held accountable
    3. demonstrating a consistent pattern of changed behavior/attitude over a long period of time-as in at least a couple of years

    Until all of the above 3 criteria have been met, no invitations should be issued.

    Only invite people who are on board with saying nothing about the event to the abusive parent and are willing to completely disengage from the abusive parent the way the adult child does.   It's common for people in those situations to have very small weddings so they can be sure their celebratory event stays celebratory.  Yes, there may be collateral cuts to guest lists for the sake of fairness if it becomes too complex to pick and choose from concentric circles of relations. If anyone wants to be angry about that reality, they should direct their anger to the abusive parent that caused the complexity.

    Anyone still stuck in an antiquated mindset of weddings being about established (as opposed to selected) community, relationship status, wealth status, social payback, traditionalism, etc. should be immediately eliminated from the guest list.  They're not people in a mindset to support the abused adult child because they prioritize the wrong things. Adult children of abusers bear huge internal psychological burdens that take years of specialized therapy to adequately address, so life event celebrations and holidays are potential flashpoints if they don't carefully cull people around them who might add to their ongoing internal struggles caused by the abusive parent.

    I attended a church where uninvited abusive parents of the bride were removed by law enforcement when they showed up. The staff was notified of the potential problem and was watching for them.  They were asked to leave.  They didn't.  The police were called to remove them. ( I wasn't invited to that wedding, one of the musicians was a friend of mine who told be about what she witnessed.)

    My only issue with that scenario was the bride and groom choosing to be married at the church they regularly attended. All of that scene and stress could have been avoided if they simply chose to get married at another church or other location they didn't regularly attend. (You can still have a very religious wedding in a location other than a church.)  The pastor understood the potential problem and could've probably made arrangements with other churches in the general of the same denomination. And I suspect word got out through the guests when and where.  You have to give on something if you don't want the drama.  Give on guests of necessary and location and enjoy some much deserved peace or as close to peace as an adult child with PTSD can come to.

     Just take pictures with the supportive family that's been invited and attends. You make family.  The world is full of adoptive, step, and non-genetic family that people have made because family isn't DNA-it's behavior and attitudes of a commitment to loving support and care for each other. Usually people who share DNA are a real family like that but sometimes they're not, they' sick twisted versions of cruel saboteurs and traitors that don't deserve the status of family, so they don't get the perks of being in the family pictures at family events.

    I have built family that isn't DNA related with step-family and adopting my youngest. I have a sister-in-law who has never been married to any of my brothers. She and her husband are such close family friends, they're family.  Their kids call me aunt. We don't share DNA.  They're in our family pictures with my bio-brother and his wife and kids, my step-brothers and their wives and kids, my step-sister and her finance and their kids, my husband and kids, and my mom and step-dad.  

    I have 2 dads.  My step-dad who I lived with from the time I was 3-20 who is my dad.  There's no legal adoption, because I also have an engaged and loving bio-dad with standard visitation from a 1974 divorce and my adult relationship with him,  but they're both my dads, just the same.  DNA doesn't matter in this situation; I'm my step-dad's daughter the same as his bio daughter (he thinks, but might not be his because of his ex-wife's objectively confirmed ongoing adulterous at the time-he doesn't want to know if she's not his biologically because she's his daughter either way, but the courts wouldn't have taken that view during the divorce if she wasn't. ) He's my dad the same as by bio-dad because life isn't as simple as some people want it to be.

    Very wise words here.

    estranged adult children and weddings

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    If the wedding is still many months out, emotions may cool enough that even if parents are not invited, they are less likely to crash it.  If you really think they may crash the wedding, hire a security guard. 

    For family photos I would encourage the groom to have photos with people who have been important to him - his chosen family. Have people seated across both sides of the aisle no matter whose "side" they represent. I think you should talk a lot about how happy you are to have him be part of your family when you speak at the reception. I know that would mean a lot. You can just drop the "groom and his mother" dance altogether. My stepfather could not physically dance and we just didn't do it.

    • Like 16

    If you had a house issue, during Covid ...

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I am so sorry to read this. We had a similar disaster pre-covid and I am still traumatized when I hear water running unexpectedly. The workers were basically in our house one day for about 6 hours, setting up massive fans and removing drywall and ruined items. Having windows and doors open and avoiding the work area will facilitate the work they are doing anyway. One worker came to check the moisture levels daily and removed the fans when the subfloors were dry.  You definitely need to get this service done professionally or you will end up with bigger problems in the future.

    Your family can manage this one-day incursion; the question is, what will you do when you need to have workers repair the damage and restore to normal?  We stayed in a VRBO for 2 weeks; insurance paid for it and for the kennel for the pets. 

    • Like 2

    Here's a WWYD?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

     I want to add my story, which heavily influences my own thinking:

    My dad died of cancer when I was 8 years old, more than 40 years ago. I don't remember the last Thanksgiving or the last Christmas Eve or Christmas Day we spent together. I *DO* remember the exact day after Christmas when he and my mom left for the hospital so he could have the exploratory surgery that led to his diagnosis. I remember standing in the living room with the light blue carpet as they walked out the door. He never came home. If missing one of those holidays would have given me extra months or years with him, I would trade that in a heartbeat. I can't even remember his voice anymore. Don't overvalue Thanksgiving. Family time together is valuable, but risking your expected lifespan quantity of ongoing normal happy family time for a turkey dinner is not worth it. IMHO. The health and safety of family members is my top priority.

    • Like 13

    Here's a WWYD?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Don't go. You are high risk.  Missing one Thanksgiving dinner this year will be a disappointment.  If you get covid and can't get the right medical care because the hospitals are full, you'll miss a lot more than one event. Your family needs you alive.  Please don't go. 

    • Like 6
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