Plateau Mama
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Posts posted by Plateau Mama
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he has to be driven. School is 5 miles away on a non-walkable road. If he doesn't get a ride from sister I either have to disrupt our morning or he has to stay home. If he stays home it would take him several days to get caught up. His grades are important to him. He doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up but he definitely wants to go to college and be a successful adult.What consequences will the school impose if he's late? Detention? Losing sports?
How far is the school? Do you HAVE to drive him if he's late, or can he walk but will then be even later?
What about if assignments aren't handed in?
Is it important TO HIM to get good grades? Does he have plans for the future? Or does he not care?
You have 3 1/2 more years to help him find ways to deal with his functioning issues. I would work on setting him up with supports to help deal with his function issues since you say he CAN'T get anywhere on time, not that he won't. Identify what the issues are, read about what kind of supports help with these issues, give him time to find what works for him, and then back away. Let him have real consequences to his actions once he has the support in place.
I have tried and tried to help him with his EF issues but he is absolutely resistant to anyone telling him what to do. We helped him make his own plans/routines but he never follows them.
. I have even working very hard at asking him to clean up his messes. It takes 3/4/5 times and hours to get him to do even the simplest thing. Then he gets upset because we keep telling him to do things.Baby steps, and letting some things slide while you're working on other areas? I can't really say, since I don't know exactly what's going on in the other areas. If he leaves a mess in the bathroom, can you call him in, completely unemotionally, and say, "Hey, you left X, Y, Z....." Would he balk at even that, or would the tone change help him be more compliant?
We have the problem with the kitchen too, since I mostly only cook dinners anymore. So I do the above there as well. "Hey J, you forgot some things in the kitchen after you made lunch. Can you go clean them up? I'm trying to get the kitchen ready so I can make dinner on time tonight."
What if you picked a good day when everyone was in a good mood and talked about this with him? If you explain that you're going to try handing off more responsibility to him, bit by bit--that you'll be there to support him if he asks for it, but that you think he can manage X, Y, and Z by himself now? Do you think he'd respond well, or is he just prickly and rebellious and nothing you say is right these days?
Others have given good advice about dealing with EF issues. Both of mine have EF issues for sure, but it may be that your son needs more direct assistance from an outside source. Without knowing him, I couldn't say. I think you said earlier that he agreed to evals? (I may have read that somewhere else.) If so, that may be a good step toward solving some of this.
Of course, it also may be that you just have to hang on and get through the next 3 years in any way you can manage until he gets out into the real world. You certainly won't be the only one :grouphug:
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I don't want the electronics in my room. For many reasons but the two biggest are I am a very light sleeper and if I get woken up I have a hard time getting back to sleep. So, if the devices aren't totally powered off for whatever reason I am the one to suffers. Drs. Orders I am to get more sleep at any cost, nonnegotiable. Second is my husband is usually still asleep when they are up in the AM. I don't want him woken up by someone (even me) rummaging around in the dark to get devices. I also don't want the kids coming in and out of my roomEven if there was a spot for them to charge in my room, which there isn't. We could lock them I the office but I don't think my husband will go for that because he'd be the one that has to lock/unlock the office all the time. Even if he agreed I doubt he'd be consistent about it.
I won't lock the door. I sleep with the door open because said child will decide to get up at midnight to watch TV or play Xbox or cook and I need to be able to hear him so I can shuffle him back to bed.
I agree I need to figure out where to put these devices where he can't get to them but I can't picture the logistics. If they are In a locked room and daughter has to leave at 5 am I don't want to get up at 5 to get her devices. I a trying to make the rules the same for both because if I don't then he claims unfairness blah blah blah.
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but how do I do this and not have chaos reign in my house. Other areas we battle are getting out of the house on time, picking up after oneself, especially after cooking in the kitchen, keeping room so it's safe (not clean, simply safe to walk in), bathroom clean enough so guests can use it.Oooh, he sounds just like mine. I have so much sympathy for you. I'm encouraging mine to go into real estate with her dad or event planning (she would crush that, but says she's not interested, even though she's constantly planning party ideas, making banners and signs, putting together menus at home, etc. Ooookaaay?)
Hmm, well, the more you tell us, the more I think I'm starting to agree with your DH. However, that means that any and all rules are probably going to be counterproductive. Honestly, in your case, I might experiment with giving him more responsibility rather than less, and start letting him fail on some things. IME, rules just make these kids fight more. Would that be possible at all? I know he has EF issues, and you could offer support on those kinds of things, but no (or limited) rescue, no berating, no yelling. Just simple encouraging statements designed to prompt, but then walk away. Maybe?
I was trying not to be a total gatekeeper. Even if they are in my room he will come in while we are sleeping and get them.Change the rule so that there are no electronics allowed from the time you take them in the evening until you hand them back in the morning?
Honestly with a kid like that all you can do is update the rules to exclude loopholes. If you post your rules and example of loopholes here, we can help you re-write the rules to exclude loopholes.
This kid will make an amazing lawyer.
ETA: We put electronics in our room at night, in a drawer out of sight, and with one stubborn kid we literally locked them in the safe for a few weeks at a time, to prevent sneaking.
I don't have a way of charging them that isn't a total PIA and he needs it for school. Also the random alarms and alerts keep me up all night.Only regarding the phone and laptop issue, you haven't said why you can't just lock them into your room at night? I understand difficult and persistent kids will find workarounds if they don't like your rules, but you still have the ability to take things away from him. Just because he made you miserable while he was without access doesn't mean you should give them back so he'll bother you less...
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my dh thinks this is totally normal boy behavior. He keeps taking things away for a day or two. Repeat.What does your DH think you should do about what happened last night? What does he have to say about the fact that, in the long term, things aren't improving? Does he have some kind of backup plan?
What do you think would happen if you let the electronics thing slide for awhile but stopped helping DS get out the door in the morning and stopped making sure his work gets done? If you tell him that you're done fighting about it, but that means that you're assuming that if he's mature enough to take responsibility for his own electronics, then he's also mature enough to take responsibility for his own schedule and schooling?
Oh, also, why were the rules put in place to begin with? Inability to control screen use, or was it a "getting into undesirable content" problem?
He would never get out the door. I'm sure of it. If I don't nudge him along he is usually 20-30 minutes late. If he doesn't get out the door and get a ride with his sister the I have to wake the homeschooled child up to take him and that's not fair to him (or me).
If I don't check in with him on his work he doesn't turn it in or doesn't do it. I just ask what he has so I can make sure he's not forgetting something. I don't check it when he's done. I didn't do this for two weeks last semester and his grades went from A/B's to B/C's and he spent the rest of the semester trying to get caught up. He cannot, and I mean cannot, not wont, manage his time. He is late everywhere he goes and I mean everywhere.
Rules were placed because daughter wasn't sleeping because she was texting bff etc. Son was inability to control screen use time, not content per say. We have strong filters and they'd have to try really hard to circumvent them.
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I have said this since he was three. Too bad he has the memory of a gnat. He'd never make it thru Law School.I would stop arguing about it. Just implement consequences. He knows knows knows he's being ridiculous and it's a game for him to see if he can convince you or dh he's actually correct. I would answer the question once, state the consequence, and move on. Maybe he has a future as an attorney :).
Dh won't turn the router off at night but we have been known to set his computer to only operate certain hours. But he just uses his phone on data and circumvents the router.If he's going online at night you can set up your router to turn off between certain hours. You can also unplug it and lock it away in your room at night.
any rule. Electronics is just the battle of the morning. I made a list of rules but dh thinks if I post that then we will just go round and round and that he's old enough to understand the rules and if he wants to write them down then he can.I would take unemotionally take all electronics for at least a week for that kid. All phones would be checked in/charging in my bedroom at night. Is it just electronics that are an issue or any type of rule? Rules would be clear on exact hours and usage. I wouldn't engage in argument and only one discussion would happen. I might even put the rules in writing somewhere.
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he is 14.5. He shows lots of signs of EF issues. I have him scheduled for testing in March. Do thinks it's a waste of time but after 3 years of me saying it's needed he has agreed to let me do the testing.How old is the child?
Does he show signs of executive function difficulties (messy/disorganized, trouble with initiating/completing work, poor sense of time, inpulsiveness?)
he is my 2nd of 3. My oldest is unhappy about it but has followed the rule. She just isn't talking to her dad if she doesn't have to. Every time he argues with my husband he make child write down the rule/expectation etc and sign it. I have all kinds of papers with random things and kids signature.Is this your eldest child? I'm guessing that either this is your eldest, thus your inexperience with this, lol. If you have other kids who don't/didn't do this sort of thing as a preteen/teen, then you're really, really lucky!!
I've got 3 kids. First one didn't do this sort of thing. She's an angel. Full stop, lol.
Both #2 and #3 have done this sort of thing routinely. #2 made it his life's work to evade my rules. #3 does it more just to get what she want as opposed to #2's doing it for the pure joy of disobedience (read: independence in his hormone addled brain)
Drastic things will not help, in my experience. (And, I have a lot of experience, lol)
For your example, I'd simply impose whatever consequence you would for breaking the rule. His "2AM does not equal night" is nonsense, and you don't need to argue it. Your rule, you are the judge, your definition, not interested in debating it.
You can try to be more specific on that sort of rule. That'll help some for the future. I've learned not only to be very specific but also sometimes to make my son write the rule in his own hand (or text it to me!) and sign and date it . . . My electronics rule was "No laptop or phone in the bedroom or bathroom between 9PM and 5AM" Another electronics rule was "Laptop and phone must be plugged in on the kitchen desk between 9PM and 5AM. No exceptions."
Get used to being exhausted. Try not to get crazy. Just set the rule, STAY CALM, and enforce the rule according to your best judgment, consistently, tweaking as needed. Don't bother debating the specifics of the rule. If the kid seems genuinely confused about the rule, then clarify . . . But go ahead and enforce your most reasonable interpretation of the rule at that time . . . (I.e., clearly 2AM is breaking the rule, so enforce the consequences accordingly, no matter what nonsense the kid argues . . .)
((((hugs))))
This, too, shall pass . . .
. He went about two months Oct-Dec without phone/computer. Didn't help anything. All we had was two months of him doing everything possible to make my life miserable.I have at least one of these. It is exhausting.
Framing things in terms of what is allowed versus what isn't has sometimes been helpful. Electronics may be used downstairs between the hours of 8:30 am and 6 pm after you have completed your work and chores.
That kind of chicanery and deliberate obtuseness would make me say you know, this electronics stuff is causing friction. We are on an electronics break. Try again in February.
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I will have to check out that book. Thx. And yes, outside of the home people just afore him. He also is the first one to point out when others aren't following rules.Have you read the book "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child?" I have a rule negotiator and the advice in this book really helped. With kids like this you have to be very specific about exactly what is expected, very specific about consequences, and always follow through.
Hugs. I know how exhausting it can be. Funny thing is, this kid is a great rule follower outside the home. She would never give grief to a teacher, other mom, etc. But with dh and I, everything is up for argument in her mind.
He is 14.5. He goes to school (because I could no longer deal with the arguing/debating every little thing. That being said I'm the one making sure he gets out the door I the morning and making sure homework is done etc.How old is this child? And are there negative results to him spending all night reading on his electronics? Results YOU have to deal with, not DH (e.g., in terms of daily schoolwork, attitude when overtired, getting out of bed, getting places on time, etc.)?
If there are negative results you personally have to deal with, I would unilaterally override DH on this. As the teacher and parent who is with this kid all day, I would not allow the parent who doesn't have to deal with the bad attitude to dictate how I deal with that attitude.
However, if the concern is more about content and this kid can still be cheerful, get schoolwork done, etc., then I'd probably insist on parental/content filters and then leave DH to deal with it. I would remove myself from the situation entirely and let DH be the one who wrestles with him.
Personally, I have one of those kids, and I am of the "if you don't like the rules, you don't get to have the privileges" mindset these days. I recently told this child that I can no longer live with the level of overall conflict we have in the house anymore, so if I have to, I'm just going to start eliminating the sources of those conflicts. She knows I will, too. Things have improved some. But my DH is fully on board with me, so I don't have that to contend with.
:grouphug:
. I did point that out and he started down the line well it was technically morning so I didn't break the rules. I told him he knew what we expected and I wasn't going to play that which just set explosions off all morning.In this specific case, I'd probably point out that at 2am, he's supposed to be asleep because that's what's best for his body, and even if he doesn't care you are required to care by law.
And then I don't know what all else I'd do, but it'd probably involve locking things up next time I had to confiscate them.
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How do you parent a child who thinks rules are optional? Or who looks for all the loopholes? Honestly I'm exhausted. Consequences don't work with this child.
Here is our current issue (among many).
We recently enacted a rule that says no laptops in bedrooms. All electronics (phones etc) must be out of rooms by 9 pm. So Friday, child was in his room on both laptop & phone at 10. Lost both Saturday. This morning his phone is on his bed. When I ask him why (knowing it was put in the classroom at 9 last night) he tells me he got it at 2am and wasn't breaking the rules because it was morning. He know we don't want them in their rooms while they are sleeping, we've talked about that but since we just said "till morning" and technically 2am is morning he argued that he didn't break the rules. Then it turned into my fault he couldn't sleep.
I could give nonstop examples but this is our entire life. Him spending his days ignoring our rules and then when caught telling us all the reasons he didn't break them, telling us he didn't understand the rules, or telling us the rule is rediculous and it shouldn't be a rule.
What can we do? My husband is perfectly content going around and around with him. I'm exhausted and want to do something drastic but do won't let me.
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The ablation was the best thing I ever did. PMS was never a huge issue for me but the one downside is it's harder to track that now since I have no bleeding. I will say after 3-4 months PMS didn't seem to be an issue at all for me but since I was never super hormonal maybe I just don't notice it anymore since I don't have anything to line it up with.
Is it possible to do the pill after an ablation? If it were me I'd do both if I could (and needed it).
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The issue isn't long division. He can do long division. We spent a couple of months doing problems on the whiteboard together.
The issue is
1.) showing his work. I don't care if I ask him to write down 1+1 or 36x7. He gets upset having to write it out. I have no idea why. He knows the steps he just doesn't want to write them out. He says it takes too long.
2.) he is a perfectionist so he freaks out if he doesn't know how to do something. (In general, not just math. I think this is a maturity issue.)
We are on a couple of review lessons. Then I guess we will do fun math till we get back from vacation next month.
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Is he usually pretty compliant for other areas?
Super compliant. This is the kid that hid under the bed, on more than one occasion, because the thought he was going to get in trouble. This kid never breaks rules. The only place he ever pushes boundaries is going to bed. (He's a night owl.)
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Problems 2 & 3 are what sent him into meltdown. I wrote every problem on a whiteboard and had him copy it to his paper and then do the math, while I did it on the whiteboard. I tried just having him tell me but that caused more tears.
Never mind. I can't figure out how to resize on my phone. ;-(
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He struggled with learning long division. Took us a couple of months for him to remember all the steps. He now can do long division with no problem. He is not bad at math. He usually picks up topics very easily. He just doesn't want to write the steps out. He knows the steps. He just thinks it's too much work to write them out.
He does not struggle with writing. I really think it's more he thinks it's a waste of time to write the steps down. As for cutting problems he only had 8 and he started crying after getting the first two wrong and having to redo them. he only did 2 before I corrected him. I then sat with him the entire time and worked every problem with him. It wasn't that the work was hard for him that made him cry. It was that I wouldn't let him do it in his head (because he was guessing/getting the wrong answers).
Yesterday he had 6 problems and blew through them. It melted down when I made him go back and label them all. (Which was simply adding g for grams to all of them.)
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Not willingly.What happens if he dictates the steps, and you write them down? Will he do that?
He is very independent and does not like to be helped with anything but gets frustrated very easily if he is not successful the first time (or I make him correct his work.)
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So, for a different perspective... He can do mental math! Great! Why does he need to show his work right now?
Is showing his work so important that it's worth making him hate math?
Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk
Because he is not getting the correct answers. And even when he does it is taking him a super long time to get the answer. I'm talking things like dividing 743 by 13. Not simple things like 32 divided by 16. If it's an easy problem I don't make him show his work.
The struggle is he can no longer do a lot of these problems in his head but he is fighting the "extra" work of showing his work.
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Not sure what to do. Math everyday is either complaining about how much he hates math or a down right meltdown. He refuses to show his work and tries to do everything in his head. When I make him write out the problem we go into meltdown mode, no matter how easy/hard the problem is. He is not struggling with the concepts. He is knows all his facts. He just doesn't like it.
We did Saxon until the middle of 3. - He complained daily of how easy it was. I was bored silly by the repetition and the teacher involvement time.
We switched to Math Mammoth. That brought him to tears daily. We quickly switched to Singapore.
We did 2a & 2b last year with no issue. Started 3a in the summer. 3b in January.
Today we were learning converting pounds to ounces and back. Full blown meltdown. I sat and did every problem beside him but held firm he had to show his work. Once he writes the problem Down he has no problem doing it.
So, do I just stick with Singapore tears and all and teach him that he needs to show his work? Do I go back to Saxon which was easy and bored him silly. Or try something new?
Help!
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Or maybe they just never really thought about it. :confused1: I take the tax amount and double it for my base 16% tip, then add a little more to that which would mean I use the pre-tax amount. It's just how I've always done it and I've worked in a restaurant before.
This is what I do as well. Only our tax is 9.5% so that is 19% and I usually just round to nearest dollar.
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Thanks for all the input! I was hoping some of you might share some of your favorite GF meals too.
Disneyworld is the best place ever for allergies (Disneyland, not so much). My son never eats better when we travel.
My favorite counter service meal is the 1/2 roasted chicken from Cosmic Rays Cafe in Magic Kingdom. Easily feeds an adult & child. Favorite sit down is O'hanah. My son had several allergies beyond gluten. The chef made him everything we were eating. There was only one sauce we had that they couldn't replicate for him. The Kona Cafe is also a favorite.
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I've been seeing the same thing. I chalked it up to snow blowing off my trees in the backyard. ??
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NOT FAIR!!! My children would turn green with envy. It would be a very long drive for us, so I am trying to figure out if it is worth it. I'm thinking it could be a really neat birthday experience for my oldest son. If it works out.
That's one of the big questions I had. I guess I couldn't believe that it would be free and thought I must be missing something.
Thanks for the link. I had seen it but didn't see anything about the cost other than the shuttle fee. I also really wish I could talk to someone who has been there. If we do go are we just going to be one of tens of thousands way up on some bleachers barely able to see or would we maybe, just maybe be able to interact with the players. Maybe get an autograph or something like that. If so, it would be more than worth it.
I guess what I am saying is that I don't want to make a huge deal, raise a ton of expectations, drive 8 hours and then have a disappointing experience.
Thanks everyone.
I don't know how many people exactly but it's not a super huge event. It's not in a stadium or anything like that. Just a big warehouse type building.
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I've never done it but I have a lot of friends who do it. Here's the link for this year.
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A filled in application to be a phone sex operator!!!
I'm going to have to add this to my list! Here's what I've come up with for her next visit.
1. Names of divorce lawyers.
2. Home listings. In Alaska.
3. Webmd printouts for a terminal (male) illness.
4. Drug rehab brochures.
5. Boarding schools. In Europe.
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eta: and your husband is telling you *you* should call her on it? she's HIS mother!
He wasn't home. He was just saying he would have been ok with me callin her on it.
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There are much bigger problems and whether I confront her or not she is going to do whatever she wants to do and justify it later.I think that anyone who cannot be confronted for inappropriate behavior without making Christmas miserable has a bigger problem than being a snoop.
Saying nothing sends the implicit message that the behavior is enjoy your Christmas and let her decide if she's going to enjoy hers.
It all just depends on how much of a ruckus I want to make the day before Christmas.
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Parenting a child who thinks rules are optional
in The Chat Board
Posted
Personally I don't understand this being late thing. I am never late unless someone else (i.e. Son) makes me late.
He has 3 alarms. He had 4 but w/o phone now 3. He knows I may or may not come to make sure he's awake.
He is supposed to be downstairs fully dressed 20 minutes before departure.
We tell him 10-15 minutes before actual departure so we have a chance of being on time.
I try to point out the time when he gets in the car and praise him if it's on time (or w/in 5 minutes).
He can be all ready 20 minutes before and still be late. I don't get it.