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cave canem

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Posts posted by cave canem

    RAD kid

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    15 hours ago, bethben said:

    she probably needs counseling, but we can afford it for one person and that person is me.

    YES!  This is where I missed the boat.  Taking the child to therapy twice a week, other programs, and the time commitment even during residential treatment kept me immersed in the unrelenting chaos. 

    I haven't seen this child for over two years, but a brief phone call (always hostile) brings back the racing heart and feeling of suffocation. I have made a lot of progress using self-help books, but if I could go back I would put on my own oxygen mask first.

    It may be (hard to say) that DBT has helped this child be a more successful young adult, but it has not helped any of us heal from the damage inflicted.  While you parent this child, prepare yourself for a healthy life in the future.

    • Like 1

    11th grader dropping out--WWYD?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    On 10/1/2018 at 8:13 AM, PeterPan said:

    You might want to let him pursue this further. He only needs to be 18 and he must finish his high school diploma or have the equivalent to do the training. It might take a while to develop a practice that is a living wage, but it might better than you think. Around here, people earn minimum wage at the Y but with that personal trainer cert (1 year thing), they can clock out and do private at $45 an hour. Not shabby for a one year cert in something he actually likes.  Do you know where to get the cert?

    When you say his fixation is unhealthy, is it the gym itself (drug use culture, something, whatever that is red flagging to you) or is it that he seems to have a perseverative interest? Have you ever wondered if he was on the spectrum or had ADHD? I can tell you that a LOT of people who work out regularly at the gym are ADHD. Like, not to state the obvious, but that's why they're there. And if you watch a big longer, there's a contingent that is on the spectrum or maybe VERY ADHD with the social thinking deficits that push toward spectrum. I've been told there are some other sports (biking for instance) that attract spectrum.  I haven't had a child without a perseverative interest.  Is this considered bad of itself?  I have never heard of that, but I don't think it is hard to imagine unhealthy interests.  There is no way this kid is on the spectrum, but I suppose attention problems are possible.

    I think you can try to take people away from perseverative interests, but they are who they are. Sometimes it's easier to harness it and work with it. If he sees that finishing his high school diploma with you could get him something he wants, he might be more inclined to do it. You might be able to tweak his remaining courses to fit with that personal trainer interest. For instance, it would be pretty logical then to do some anatomy and physiology. He is not going to do any courses like these, or the business-related ones mentioned by other posters.  School has nothing to teach him.

    I would give him credits for what he's doing at the gym. Maybe have him do some job shadowing. Maybe have him get a job at a supplement place that caters to bodybuilders. Those people might give him some straight talk too. The people who work out where I work out are pretty successful, focused people. It takes focus and dedication to make a plan and stick to it with your weight lifting, and they carry it over to their personal lives. There's a lot of setting goals and kicking your butt to do it. Might be a GOOD environment for him, because these are people who do hard things. At least where I work out that's the culture. Maybe help him find another gym if where he's going isn't healthy.  We all understand the benefits of working hard toward goals.  A different gym would be nice but hard to find so far.

     

    • Like 1

    11th grader dropping out--WWYD?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Thanks to everyone for your suggestions.  We have been on a roller coaster this month.  For now he is continuing the CC classes and seems to be passing them.  He hasn't looked at the Oak Meadow workbook.

    He still threatens to quit school.  We don't react.

    The arguments for getting a diploma are well known in our household.  We haven't pushed the GED route, of which he is aware, because he once planned to enlist in the military, and I wouldn't be surprised if he came to that again.

    We have talked about mental health evaluation/support with him and he adamantly REFUSES to cooperate with anything like that.  I understand that theoretically he cannot make that decision, but practically I don't see how to effect this without his cooperation.  He loves to tell us that he is only X months away from 18, as if this is meaningful when X doesn't equal zero.

    He is not easy to live with.  For my own health I don't think we can allow him to stay after he turns 18 if his behavior doesn't change.  Some days he is eager to leave, but others he says he wants to stay past his birthday.  He has researched places to live and thinks he can make it in his min wage job, but this is a high COL area.  I am skeptical.

    He spends a lot of time researching business ideas, but I am not sure whether it is substantive or just browsing entertainment.  I told him we could work up some sort of credit for that he would log what he is doing.  We have offered relevant CC classes.  I have advised him to look into some legal aspects of his intended business, and we could fund some early launching expenses if he would write up what they will be.  He did warm to that for a bit but is now saying he'd rather not have any help.

    Thanks for letting me know it isn't crazy to insist on certain minimum achievements.

    • Like 4

    11th grader dropping out--WWYD?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    On ‎10‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 7:58 AM, mom@shiloh said:

    Ideally, I would say that finishing high school, or at least getting a GED would be a non-negotiable term for continuing to live in your house. 

    That is not an option here since he just turned seventeen.  We are not at liberty to make him leave for another year, but we cannot require him to be in school either.

    11th grader dropping out--WWYD?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    On ‎10‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 4:09 AM, J-rap said:

    She's a musician and also was just promoted to managing an entire country club.  (She started as a waitress.) 

    This is the sort of thing I could see happening with him. 

    Or, starting as a teller and having a management position in a bank branch, if bank teller-ing had not become a college degree job.

    • Like 1

    11th grader dropping out--WWYD?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    This kid is smart but not at all interested in academics.  First entered public school for 10th grade after homeschooling.  Hated it and wanted to drop out.  Just *hates* school.

    For 11th grade he is homechooling again with two CC classes and one class at home using a curriculum that only requires grading from us.  We thought he could stick out eleventh grade with this sort of course load.  He has been planning to accumulate a minimal number of credits so he can get a diploma from us, which would be faster than dealing with public school.  He works a minimum wage job, takes driver education, and goes to the gym every day. 

    His plans for supporting himself seem unrealistic to us for his skill set--things like starting a company in an industry that seems cool but that he doesn't have expertise in and that most people get a specialized degree for or being a youtube personality. He does not want training in any sort of trade.

    He has interest in being a personal trainer but may be on the young side for that.  There are also some unhealthy aspects to his fixation on the gym.

    Without knowing my kid at all, what do you think your impulse would be in this sort of situation?  Pressure him to finish school?  By withholding something?  Knowing all the reasons we think this idea is terrible has not dissuaded him.

    Would you change your expectations of him as a housemate?  I know he plans to work a lot of hours, but I still think he would likely be a disruptive presence for the younger student trying hard to master difficult subjects. 

     

      

     

      

    Boys and girls

    in The Chat Board

    Posted · Edited by cave canem
    sounded a little presumptuous, not my intention

    2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

    Maybe.  But why even bring it up to me?  It isn't like I was there or would know who paid for what.

    If he is trying to deceive you, this would be a classic way of setting up fake context in which you interpret the rest of his words and actions. 

    I have seen this so many times.

    I don't say that he is doing that, but it is an answer to the question "why?"

    Are college fraternities a “white boy” thing?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I have experience with racially diverse fraternities going back to the 80s.  I also knew fraternities whose membership was all black or mostly Jewish.  Sometimes this had to do with the organization's historic mission at the national level.  Sometimes the national targeted a minority group for membership but the local chapter rushed ethnicity-blind.

    I don't think any ethnic group is excluded from the Greek system.  I don't know whether individual fraternities are not open to nonwhites.

    • Like 1
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