Adding on--- ds bleached his hair (which is an annual wrestling tradition around here) but this time he said he wanted to dye it green. He wants to pierce his ear and lip. He talks about the drugs (both using and selling) at the school. Definitely more disrespect, anger, cursing. It's been a baaaaaad year. He himself says he is not happy this year, but he blames dh and myself for making him so angry and not letting him do things that he wants to do. I see his not being happy as a result of his environment. Also have wondered at times if I am too focused on him and should maybe get more of a life??? Hard to do when I see my sweet boy going down hill fast. It's like watching an out of control train that hasn't crashed yet, but you know it will.

I am going through something similar here. Ds, 13, wanted to go to Ps this year, so we sent him. There has been nothing overtly horrible, but a lot of not good. I want to pull him but he is adamant that he does not want to homeschool "ever again". My compromise is private school. I can only afford it if we get a good scholarship. That will perhaps work for next year, but if we pull him now and try to put him in private school, I'm sure there would be no scholarship. I had thought to hs the rest of this year and then try private next year. He strongly does not want that. Although I know ultimately as his parents we need to do what is best for him and make the decision, I'm not sure if pulling him now without another school to put him will be in his best interest. And yes, we started counseling but I have temporarily put it on hold as I don't think he was hs friendly and was undermining my choices. Also, ds who has been a wrestler just got a concussion. We were just told today that he is done for this year and next with wrestling. As I was saying good night tonight he said, "I'm losing everything I care about....... the place I want to be, my friends, wrestling...". So, although I've been pretty down on the school and the choices ds makes there, I'm not sure what to do at the moment. No help here, but definitely empathy. Listening to your replies from others.

How can you tell the difference between typical teenage moodiness and the possibility of something like bi-polar? I really am not sure what is "typical".

Okay, so where do you all stand on girlfriends/boyfriends for the 13ish age? Maybe this should be a new topic. He has said he wanted to break up with the girl he was "going out" (not dating) with. He already likes someone else. She likes him. He hasn't broke up with the first. Lots of interest (I just learned about this yesterday) with girl #2. Personally, I feel that going out at this age is: --generally fairly innocent --at the same time can be a huge distraction I think all the drama can make it hard for him to do all the rest that he needs to do. However, saying "you can't have a girlfriend right now" doesn't stop him from thinking about her, etc.

At this point, the weight loss has stopped and I think that it might've been due in part to wrestling and his wanting to wrestle at a lower weight. He has evened out, but I don't feel that he is at a healthy strong weight. At least he is not losing any more at this point. He has 12 days off for Christmas. I can take him to the doctor and will consider that. I don't understand what would be the reason for getting a sick note. As a homeschoolers, my attitude is why not just pull him out with the possibility of his going back next year?

I watched Thirteen the other night. Not really news, but I can definitely see the connections to the middle schoolers here. Maybe not a good time to see it because I felt more sad afterward. It is not possible to attend just 1 or 2 classes at the ps here. Nor can you participate in any school activities (drama, band, sports, etc.) I do sense that he values the other kids' opinions more than ours at this point. He has made it clear how much he wants to stay there. I do not think if I bring him home at this point that we will simply and peacefully move into homeschooling. Also, he still strongly wants those friends. I am really trying to sort through how "bad" it all really is and how much of it is just not what I dreamed of for our life. Does that make sense? I chose to hs for a reason. I really think it's better in many ways. It's also about values. I feel there is such a compromise of values in letting him be there. However, I also know that at some point kids start to make choices for their own lives that parents may not agree with or like, but need to accept. I was prepared for that further down the road, but not at 13. At least not to this degree. Truly, I see that the family and our values really become secondary to him. Friends and their culture are primary. I wish I felt better about that world. He is also making it very clear he does not care about "getting an education". He "doesn't see himself going to college." Doesn't "see a future." Granted thirteen is young to see such things, but I didn't hear him talking this way just a few months ago...........

I am wondering how it works if you pull him out, it seems really disruptive and difficult to pull him out and put him back the same year. Do you mean putting him back next year? I am considering that as an option (next year) as our town is planning to open a magnet middle school. It will be ready by next fall, but they haven't decided if they will start with just 6th or 6th and 7th or all three grades. It will be a global studies program and will have about 300 students total (versus the 1200+ students at the school he is at now.) It seems the smaller student population and the academic focus might be a better option for him.

They do not have a team leader. I also am unaware of the school having a school psych. Perhaps I'm missing something. As far as the class went, he said, "It wasn't my fault........I wasn't throwing things......... Other people do these things and don't get in trouble....... There's assigned seats in that class and the people who sit near me talk a lot."

We went to a counselor last week. It was not an ideal situation and ds is very much against going back at the moment. He minimized what happened today and said he hadn't been the one throwing things. Even so, the fact that the teacher would've have even thought it was him, combined with his deteriorating behavior in her class is a bad sign. Dh said "pull him now". I'm at my other ds' wrestling practice right now and just spoke to a dad with a son at the same school. They both have the same guidance counselor. He said "She's useless.". She does have responsibility for 400+ kids. The teacher said today, I don't want to waste your time and have you come in just to tell you the same things. ???? I'm at a loss and overwhelmed with their system and pretty fed up with the emails, calls, etc.

Hmmm..... more to say on all this, but got a call today from one of his teachers. He was throwing things and cursing in her class. A couple of the other students complained and said they weren't able to work near him because of how he was behaving. The teacher said his behavior has been steadily declining in her class. That it wasn't just today, but that today was particularly difficult. It is also happening in other classes. Dh thinks it is his way of saying he wants out or that he is just basically done there.

Academically it's a mixed bag for him. I do see some positives--some classes he likes and generally does well in, some things that I might have trouble teaching myself (though I could work that out for hsing). However, his focus is not on academics ("that is not what I mainly went to school for"). Some classes are boring, work that is busywork, too big a school to have people really notice kids having problems, etc. He got mostly As and some Bs at first. Since then it is inconsistent, but currently has several classes with D averages. This is frustrating because he is bright and is capable of better grades, but doesn't really care about the work (although he does --somewhat--understand the implications of not getting good grades) he just doesn't care to do the work if it is too boring. From the social standpoint, he likes it, but I don't consider that necessarily a good enough reason. He would also like to eat dessert all day, go to parties every day, never clean a thing, etc. The girlfriend/boyfriend thing is huge there. Lots of pressure to be involved. Lots of talk, etc. about sex, lots of swearing. Kids he knew from baseball last year that are now both doing drugs and selling. I don't think he would easily be pressured into doing drugs, but the rest of it...... He so wants to be part of it all... thinks all of this is cool, normal, "what every 13 yo does". I want him to have friends, socialize, etc. but so many of these kids are not nice, morals and values? I'm not seeing so much. We are not in a big city, but this school does have a sort of inner city/tough kid feel to it. We have cut out the social media which helps a lot. Outside of school he mainly wants to see these kids at the mall or at dj skate. "Drop me at the front." Who are these friends? He doesn't want to invite them over. So, mostly I don't know them. Dj skate is basically 200+ kids, both middle school and high school--unsupervised. I let him go once, but not again. I've encouraged him to hang out with the few good friends he's made, make his own plans (have them over, go to the movies, etc.) He doesn't want to do this and only seems to want to be part of the crowd--the crowd that is texting, online for hours, having girlfriends, swearing, back stabbing etc. Also, he has had three migraines since Sept. And only a couple in previous years. He says he is tired all the time. He told me last week, "I'm just not happy.". "I'm angry all the time." He has started stuttering. He lost weight. And yet, he's happy there. And adamant, "I do NOT want to homeschool!"

Tumtum and Nutmeg The Melendy Quartet Paddington books

Ds13 is in ps this year. It was his choice to go. I supported it because I thought if I continued to say no, he would resent it or always wonder what might've been. Although there are several things I am not happy with, I think my biggest issue is the total immersion in a social network and environment that appears to me to be unhealthy. I am about ready to pull him, but he is not happy about it. I am concerned also that I cannot replace the amount of time with other kids and the large number of kids he is around. Obviously these are reasons I am pulling him out, but if he could be around a lot of kids in a healthier environment I would be more okay with it. There are several coops around, but one meets only every other week. Another is a bit far. There are some other options, but nothing will be like seeing the same kids for 6+ hours a day five days a week. One day a week or different kids every day of the week may not meet his social needs, which is mainly why he wanted to go. Private schools may be an option for next year, but most likely not this year. So, the dilemma is do I leave him in till next year? Pull him now and have an angry unhappy kid? Try to scramble and find things and hope he just feels its better after the fact even though he doesn't want it now? Thoughts? Btdt? Or are doing it now?

He has been saying for the last few days one of his eyelids is droopy. Related? I am pretty sure it's mainly stress (though I will look into some of the other possibilities mentioned here). Briefly, he started ps this fall. He likes it, though I do think it is stressful for him. Also, I DO NOT like what I see going on and my unhappiness with the situation is also stressful on him. Probably need to start another thread on this topic, but we are leaning heavily toward pulling him out.

Thank you. He definitely has a lot of stress in his life right now.

What might start ds stuttering at age 13 when he never stuttered before?

Hmmm... well, a couple of people mentioned counseling and I thought it sounded reasonable. Also, due to the specific nature of several of the searches I was more concerned. Maybe that was more lack of understanding something rather than a specific interest. I think there has just been a lot for him this fall, adjusting to school--friends/acquaintances shoplifting hundreds of dollars worth of goods, kids he knows who are getting arrested, selling drugs, etc. He seems to have a personality which seeks out risk (like myself so I understand it). Maybe we won't go that route. Thinking that through. Also, it's been a lot for me to absorb. Still breathing deeply. Listening to all. Thank you again.

Ugh. I have typed a response two times and lost it each time. Thank you to all of you who have answered here. I am currently still in calming down mode. Quickly, before I lose this again: --calming down -internet access limited --going to communicate --finding a counselor --not so much a lack of supervision, but lack of understanding about electronics etc. on my part. He bought a pay as you go smart phone. Since we didn't have WiFi,I assumed he would not have internet access. However, he figured out how to "hijack" the neighbor's WiFi. As to the girlfriend and my not knowing about that: he has started public school this year. I do not know too much of what goes on between 8 and 3. I try, but it is a very separate world. I believe he does not see her much outside of that time. I was told by another mom 2 weeks ago about the girlfriend. Posting this now, before I lose it again.

I wanted to add that I had a friend whose son searched for something online, but sounded so much more innocent than this. I really am wondering without some introduction to this, how one would even think to look for some of the things he did. I want to have a really direct honest conversation with him about this, but I am almost positive that will not happen. He has a hard time being really open about even more innocuous subjects.

The last few weeks have been full of some unpleasant discoveries in relation to my son. I definitely feel there has been some big mistakes on my part. I can't belive I've let some of this happen this way. Just two weeks ago I was very surprised to find out my ds (age 13) had a girlfriend. It was a wake up call because I realized there was at least one thing going on I was unaware of. He did not really open up to me, so I've been doing some "research". I come to find tonight that he has been looking at a fair amount of pornography, particularly over the summer. He will no longer have access to computers, phones, etc. except to type a paper. We will have some serious discussions about the negative and unrealistic side of porn. It does seem as though since he has had this girlfriend there has been much less of his looking at the porn sites. I had been thinking that 13 is young to have a girlfriend and had talked to him about this, but let it go for today. (this was prior to the other discovery ) Maybe it's......??? I don't know even where I'm going with that. What do I do now?? How did this start I am wondering. I know curiosity is normal. So perhaps with the access to the internet , maybe friends gave him ideas., maybe he just searched on his own. Maybe that doesn't matter. What matters more is now. I can't erase those images from his head. Any suggestions of how to handle all this? Where to go from here? I followed some of the links to what he was looking at. I am horrified.........

Pinterest is great for this. You can create separate boards based on subject area or year (grade) you would use them.

Understood Betsy Five Children and It The Melendy Quartet (The Saturdays series) Half Magic (and series) The Borrowers The Witch of Blackbird Pond

Another one to consider (though probably not for another couple of years) http://www.greatbooksacademy.org/curriculum/good-books-program-literature-study-guides/ Also look at their homeschool curriculum book list and look at the literature suggestions for the earlier years. They focus on the classics.

Anyone else dealing with this transition? Ds wanted to go to school this year. He started in 7th grade. He's adjusted fine and is happy there. I'm the one having a hard time. Just wanted to see if anyone wants to share on the subject.