how do I get this kid to accept compliments? and other self-esteem questions

[fried chicken]

I know, I know. Praise the effort. The process. The work. Not, "oh, you're so smart," "that must have been easy," whatever. Find something else to talk about.

But what about the stuff that doesn't take effort? The stuff they're good at? 

Kid is 10. Accelerated, good at the big-picture and the details at the same time. Forest and trees and probably the underbrush, too. But everything gets sort of brushed off, like it doesn't matter unless it's about them being smart, because they feel like people are making it up to avoid mentioning that. (Which isn't to say they want people talking about them being smart, that's somehow worse...)

What do you say that does appreciate their "intellectual gifts" or skills at something, even those they haven't had to "work" on? It's disingenuous not to acknowledge that they're smart, y'know what I mean? And then the other stuff...

Sorry-- rambling. We just had another small incident and I just don't know what I'm missing that would make it clear that the compliments are sincere, regardless of their subject. 

 

[Penderwink]

Without being more specific about the situation, it‘s tricky to know what is going on. 

I struggled to learn to accept compliments. A behavior I have learnt  is to see it as a gift, to say thank you (yes, I did work hard/do a good job/ yes, I liked the project), and to then take it or leave it. I still much prefer something like "Nice project! Can you tell me why…/can you explain how you did that?" A moment of sincere interest is and was more meaningful to me than "good job".

Another behavior which I learnt from my parents, and I am working to unlearn to avoid passing it on to my kid is the deflection - where if I was praised in front of my parents they would say something like "yes, she‘s good at that, but she‘s not good at this other thing/ but your kid is better at this other (more important) thing". I can see how this arose, but I was watching and listening the whole time, and I came to mirror that. ( I also internalized the idea that I wasn‘t supposed to know I was smart, and it was something to keep hidden.)

As a kid/teen I also got a lot of compliments for tidy work/being conscientious/ working hard - and they never really motivated me. I never felt I had worked or tried especially hard. Looking back, all those compliments seem to be avoiding the elephant in the room, that the work was fundamentally too easy. 

Possible alternatives I would have appreciated at that age would be things like "Nice work! I see you have an aptitude for this, here is a plan where you can cover this required work quicker and also get to do this new and challenging extra topic…" or "Great! Another 100%! If you like this topic, then, there is this magazine/competition/website which lets you know more…“

But I don‘t know if this is really applicable to your situation as your kid already has access to accelerated work. Maybe something here is useful anyhow. 

 

 

[Clarita]

On 12/21/2023 at 11:02 AM, fried chicken said:

What do you say that does appreciate their "intellectual gifts" or skills at something, even those they haven't had to "work" on? It's disingenuous not to acknowledge that they're smart, y'know what I mean? And then the other stuff...

Something like "That's a really clever idea. Can you tell me more about it?" Sometimes smart people brush off certain compliments because they don't want to be othered or be disingenuous by accepting praise for working hard when they really didn't. 

It might also be easier to come up with more genuine compliments by trying to praise the progress rather than just praise the process. If they struggle with perfectionism sometimes it's hard to know that someone is noticing your flaw-filled process. Plus your mind might kind of runs off at the mention of that to nit-picking the flaws and how you hope to improve it.    

[Drama Llama]

Can you give an example of what you have tried and how things went?

[Rosie_0801]

Is it a self esteem thing or is it just that verbal reallllllly isn't their love language?

[SFisher]

Here’s something to try when they do something well, but easily. 

say something like “you have a talent for xyz” or “xyz comes easily to you” and then say “do you enjoy xyz?”. 

Smart kids can be good at things they don’t really care about. This could open a conversation about what they do care about. 

You also might find that xyz is too easy or boring for them. They might need something more challenging. If they work hard at a challenge, they might appreciate the compliments more.

It’s  also not a bad idea to teach them to say “oh, thank you” even if they are irritated by the compliment. It’s a bit like getting a gift you don’t like.