After 30 years, my husband noticed

[teachermom2834]

My dh is awful with gifts. Like it would have caused divorce with a woman who cared more about gifts. Embarrassingly bad. I want to defend him and say he has tried but there really isn’t an excuse for some of his fails and his refusal to learn to do better.  I have tried so many things over the years to get some kind of something that is workable that doesn’t leave me angry/ frustrated/ disappointed. Finally my kids are old enough that I don’t feel like I have to have something from their dad to me under the tree for their sakes.  They know the deal. I don’t really care. I am not buying something for myself and wrapping it just to have something to open. 
 

But I am not getting him anything either. So I really don’t feel bad or angry at all. This was the best year ever because we just gave up. After 26 years of marriage neither of us even attempted anything for the other. It was great. I bought myself a pair of shoes and some sweaters I wanted two months ago and I’ve been wearing them. I didn’t want to wait for Christmas. I didn’t want to pretend to like something he totally should know I wouldn’t like just to be polite. It was nice to have all that removed. 
 

But it would be better to have a normal gifting relationship! I am not that into gifts but I do see now that these are opportunity points in a relationship. My dh’s inability to pull it together for holidays or birthdays or anniversaries is really okay with me because I am not sentimental. However, over the life of a relationship with many years and ups and downs these moments are opportunities or touch points and it is a shame to have removed them completely from our lives. Of course there are other things and people that don’t do these things can find other touch points. I just think it is a missed opportunity.

 

[marbel]

Re: MILs who can't be pleased: I am not sure how it happened that I took over taking care of gifts for my MIL. I think he and I tried to shop together for the first few years of marriage and realized it was hopeless to find something she might like. Then, I think somehow it became my responsibility. I'm not blaming my husband for that - I apparently just never said "I'm not going to do this; she's your mother; get her a gift." So for many years it was my thing - he took care of his dad. I'll be honest, the day she died one of my first thoughts was "I'm free of the gift quest!" She was not a terrible person, but very difficult to please in many ways. 

Re: home-related gifts like cookware: my son loves flan and I make it occasionally. And I tossed out the comment once in a while, usually around gift-giving times, that having a real flan pan would be fun for me.  I always thought my son would get me one. One year he asked directly for ideas and I said "you know I would love a flan pan" and he said "yeah, I know, but I don't feel like I can get that for you because I would be the main one to benefit from it." 💗 I assured him that was not the case, but... still no flan pan. Maybe this year I'll just get one.  Seemed like a no-brainer gift to me!  

Edited December 27, 2022 by marbel