please help me provide feedback for essay, grade 6.

[Noreen Claire]

This essay assignment was from WWS1, week 22: Sequence of a natural process.

This is his first draft; I haven't read through it yet, but he has been reading sections to me out loud while he was composing it this week. He hasn't yet proofed it for spelling, etc yet, either. Any help you can give me to help him would be great. Thanks!

 

Octopi are intelligent and curious creatures. They can also squeeze through very small openings. These traits mean that it is very hard to catch and hold octopi.

People have known about the octopus for a long time. For example, more than two thousand two hundred years ago, Aristotle studied them. But unfortunately, octopus research has lagged behind other sea animal research. Most things we know about them are from only two species.

Adult octopi have eight arms connected by a thin sheen of skin. The legs connect directly under the eyes and over the beak. Connected to the back of the octopus’ head is a sack of skin holding all its internal organs.

Octopus eggs have shells for protection, cushioning materials, and yolks for nutrition. After the eggs are laid it takes seven weeks for them to hatch. When they look like smaller versions of their parents. After they hatch they float around in the sea. During this stage in their life many octopi are eaten. After floating for a while, they settle to the sea floor.

After settling to the floor, an octopus lives in creavases and caves. While living in caves,it leaves only to hunt. The only other reason it leaves its cave is to find a mate.

After mating a male octopus starts to die. While a male dies it sometimes grows white sores on its bodies. They also sometimes go crazy. 

After mating a female octopus finds a den, blocks the entrance, and lays her eggs. After laying her eggs the octopus guards her eggs, washes them with water and does not eat. After seven weeks the eggs hatch.

After the eggs hatch the mother dies. Octopi do not look after their young. Octopi live short lives.

When the baby octopi hatch, the cycle of life starts again. The babies float around and then settle to the sea floor. They mate then reproduce and start the cycle over again.

[Not_a_Number]

So... I don't know if there are explicit rubrics for these, because if there are, I wouldn't want to go against them. 

Purely as a composition, though, I would expect better transitions and a bigger variety of sentence structure. I'd also expect a few more sentences per paragraph, given how short the sentences are. 

I might like a less abrupt introduction as well. 

[caffeineandbooks]

Wow, I just looked at the instructor guide and this was fairly complex!  Do you have that book?  I find it helpful to have sample answers to compare and rubrics to gauge level.

As I understand it, the assignment has a few moving parts.  The first day, the student read some information about octopi, generated a list of 14-23 facts, and separated them into major life stages: embryo/egg, hatchling/young, mature, reproducing, old age.  Then they were to write six paragraphs about these stages (I only see 5 stages, so I presume the 6th paragraph is about the fact that the eggs which were laid will hatch and the cycle will continue in the next generation).

The next day, the student will preface these paragraphs with a 2-5 sentence introductory paragraph, focusing on the octopus as either intelligent or fascinating to people, and another paragraph about the state of scientific knowledge about octopi.  They will add a brief (3-6 sentence) physical description either next (ie in front of the paragraphs they wrote yesterday) or at the mature octopus stage of the life cycle.

I think I would start by acknowledging that your student has successfully navigated some fairly complicated instructions.  He has understood the topic, closely followed the directions given, and met all the requirements of the assignment as I understand it.  

I appreciate the effort your student has put into trying to vary his sentence structure. I see that he remembers the earlier instruction about using time and sequence words to connect ideas - you might draw his attention to the number of times he says "after" and direct him back to the list to help him generate some alternatives.  If this was a hard assignment and represents his best effort, I would say he has completed the assignment as directed and no more needs to be done. 

If you think he has the emotional capacity to make more improvements, he could think about his opening paragraph.  It does *say* that octopi are intelligent, but there was some great evidence in the reading that he could have included and didn't: I loved the parts about an octopus that escaped from its aquarium and was found in the library, turning book pages (I'm picturing Professor Inkling from the children's cartoon The Octonauts right now!) and the Jacques Cousteau anecdote about an octopus planning and executing its escape.  I think a worthwhile discussion could be had about the way those stories draw the reader in and generate curiosity about the topic - one of my boys would also be inclined to summarize this similarly to your son's "they can squeeze through small openings" and not think about the fact that the vivid telling of the story is what makes it impactful.

How are you finding WWS?  I'm working through it myself at the moment ahead of assigning it to my son, and each time the book ramps up in difficulty I mentally push back the time in my mind when he might start or the speed at which we would try to progress 🙂  How much time does it take you as the instructor to discuss and provide guidance?  

[Noreen Claire]

19 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

Purely as a composition, though, I would expect better transitions and a bigger variety of sentence structure. I'd also expect a few more sentences per paragraph, given how short the sentences are. 

I might like a less abrupt introduction as well. 

Yes! I agree with this, but I don't know how to guide him in making the changes. I haven't had to write anything more complex than a grocery list since I left my doctoral program ABD 12 years ago, and I'm out of practice. 😞

15 hours ago, caffeineandbooks said:

Wow, I just looked at the instructor guide and this was fairly complex!  Do you have that book?  I find it helpful to have sample answers to compare and rubrics to gauge level.

As I understand it, the assignment has a few moving parts.  The first day, the student read some information about octopi, generated a list of 14-23 facts, and separated them into major life stages: embryo/egg, hatchling/young, mature, reproducing, old age.  Then they were to write six paragraphs about these stages (I only see 5 stages, so I presume the 6th paragraph is about the fact that the eggs which were laid will hatch and the cycle will continue in the next generation).

She notes that one stage is the male's death and the other stage is the female's death. DS originally had them together, but we read the instructor notes that they should be separate and he added the 6th section.

 

15 hours ago, caffeineandbooks said:

I think I would start by acknowledging that your student has successfully navigated some fairly complicated instructions.  He has understood the topic, closely followed the directions given, and met all the requirements of the assignment as I understand it.  

 This is something I would have skipped right over! Thanks for pointing it out.

 

15 hours ago, caffeineandbooks said:

I appreciate the effort your student has put into trying to vary his sentence structure. I see that he remembers the earlier instruction about using time and sequence words to connect ideas - you might draw his attention to the number of times he says "after" and direct him back to the list to help him generate some alternatives.  If this was a hard assignment and represents his best effort, I would say he has completed the assignment as directed and no more needs to be done. 

He is actually pretty good at the assignments that require him to rewrite sentences, he just doesn't incorporate that into his writing automatically.

 

15 hours ago, caffeineandbooks said:

If you think he has the emotional capacity to make more improvements, he could think about his opening paragraph.  It does *say* that octopi are intelligent, but there was some great evidence in the reading that he could have included and didn't: I loved the parts about an octopus that escaped from its aquarium and was found in the library, turning book pages (I'm picturing Professor Inkling from the children's cartoon The Octonauts right now!) and the Jacques Cousteau anecdote about an octopus planning and executing its escape.  I think a worthwhile discussion could be had about the way those stories draw the reader in and generate curiosity about the topic - one of my boys would also be inclined to summarize this similarly to your son's "they can squeeze through small openings" and not think about the fact that the vivid telling of the story is what makes it impactful.

Thanks - this is exactly the wording I am looking for, the 'how' to explain how to improve it. He acknowledged that the opening section could use work, but wasn't sure how to go about it.

 

15 hours ago, caffeineandbooks said:

How are you finding WWS?  I'm working through it myself at the moment ahead of assigning it to my son, and each time the book ramps up in difficulty I mentally push back the time in my mind when he might start or the speed at which we would try to progress 🙂  How much time does it take you as the instructor to discuss and provide guidance?  

DS has made ENOURMOUS progress in writing with WWS. It really is scaffolded well, both so that he can learn from the exercises and so that I can help him. The time it takes him per lesson varies from 15 minutes to an hour, depending on the assignment. We schedule it Monday through Friday so that he can break up a long assignment (say, rewriting or copying a longer essay) into two days. He brings me his work whenever the directions tell him to, and we chat about the answers using the instructor's guide and then he goes back to the next part.

Up to this point, it's never taken more than five days per "week" of assignments. However, we've had some stuff going on this week and have already pushed a couple of other things to Saturday (we never work on weekends!) and I told him we would go over this essay tomorrow, after his other work, and I would help him think about ways to improve it.

[Not_a_Number]

47 minutes ago, Noreen Claire said:

Yes! I agree with this, but I don't know how to guide him in making the changes. I haven't had to write anything more complex than a grocery list since I left my doctoral program ABD 12 years ago, and I'm out of practice. 😞

You know... I always want to remind all the boardies how much time they spend online communicating with other people! That DOES count as writing practice. It absolutely does keep your hand in. 

I've read your posts over the years. I'm 100% certain that you're more of an expert at thinking about your audience, writing compelling introductions, and connecting different thoughts than your student. All you really need is some more faith in yourself. 

I always try to treat this as a discussion -- I'd point out what the issues are, and then we'd brainstorm together. I'd make sure they understood WHERE my criticism was coming from, and I'd always phrase this in terms of the reader they are trying to reach. What is he trying to communicate? In what ways is he succeeding? In what way could he improve his essay? 

Since it sounds like he's made excellent progress with this program, I'd keep the tone very positive 🙂 . But I do think there's room for a gentle and helpful discussion. And I absolutely think you're qualified to lead it. 

Edited February 26, 2021 by Not_a_Number

[caffeineandbooks]

4 hours ago, Noreen Claire said:

DS has made ENOURMOUS progress in writing with WWS. It really is scaffolded well, both so that he can learn from the exercises and so that I can help him. The time it takes him per lesson varies from 15 minutes to an hour, depending on the assignment. We schedule it Monday through Friday so that he can break up a long assignment (say, rewriting or copying a longer essay) into two days. He brings me his work whenever the directions tell him to, and we chat about the answers using the instructor's guide and then he goes back to the next part.

I'm so glad to hear this!  Thanks.  It's taking me generally 10-40 minutes to complete the assignments, with straight narrations and outlines being easier/quicker but the compositions requiring more thought, and I was wondering whether doubling that time would be a reasonable estimate.  It sounds like it might be about right, allowing for time to stare into space and tell me he hates writing 🙄 

I really like the carefully graded progressions SWB always creates.  Where I tend to not notice a bunch of little skills and attempt to crash right on into the next big one, then have to back up, I think she does a great job at providing specific, incremental instructions, modelling what's expected, and repeating new things (eg you don't just do the thesaurus lesson and then never come back to it again - she specifically reminds students in multiple later lessons to dig it out and search for alternative word choices so they're not plagiarising).  It doesn't waste time having you write travel brochures or interviews; it just plods along building strong, flexible academic writing skills that you can apply to those other areas yourself.

[Noreen Claire]

On 6/17/2022 at 6:49 AM, Bronson Hayes said:

Well written, but there are nuances. I would say that for a sixth grader this is acceptable. The truth is that there is always room for improvement. For me, the phrases are too simple. He should learn to build more beautiful constructions from words. In addition, as for me, it is written too in an artistic style. Perhaps a more scientific style would be more appropriate here. If he does not change his way of writing, he will often have to look for sites like https://www.essaywritinglab.co.uk/do-my-assignment/ in the future at university to get his work there. Because his personal work will be of inadequate quality.

Welcome to the board. Thanks for telling me (a year and a half later) that my kid's writing is so bad IN THE SIXTH GRADE that he'll need to pay other people to do his work for him in college. Fuck right off.

[KSera]

 Was clearly a spam post, so I wouldn’t take it at all seriously. The purpose was to get people to click his link.